Dear loyal readers,
This weekend I saw a sign that I thought I would share with you as I wait for more freaks to come along:
Better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psycho.
Happy Memorial Day!
~W
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Dear Jeff the Freakshow,
You were another eharmony match. Everytime you opened your mouth on eharmony, you inserted your foot in it.
Exhibit A:
You described yourself as a Christian. When I asked about your spirituality, you said you didn't believe in any God. Huh? By definition, then, you aren't a Christian.
Exhibit B:
I asked you to list ten facts about yourself. You listed that you were an excellent kisser. That should be a given, but its really kind of weird that you think that is one of the ten most interesting things about you. Or that i'd take your word for it. Listen, I've kissed many a fool, making me an excellent judge. It's kind of like being a lady. If you have to say you are, you aren't.
Exhibit C:
You sent an email to me. It read as follows:
Subject: sigh
Text: you are so beautiful and sexy
Seriously, you fool. Does this ever work? I mean c'mon. I closed the match without responding. Because my response would have been:
subject: sigh.
text: you are neither sexy nor amusing.
And my momma taught me if you can't say anything nice... BLOG ABOUT IT!
Happy Memorial Day! I'll be at the beach, remembering all our fallen soldiers.
-W
Exhibit A:
You described yourself as a Christian. When I asked about your spirituality, you said you didn't believe in any God. Huh? By definition, then, you aren't a Christian.
Exhibit B:
I asked you to list ten facts about yourself. You listed that you were an excellent kisser. That should be a given, but its really kind of weird that you think that is one of the ten most interesting things about you. Or that i'd take your word for it. Listen, I've kissed many a fool, making me an excellent judge. It's kind of like being a lady. If you have to say you are, you aren't.
Exhibit C:
You sent an email to me. It read as follows:
Subject: sigh
Text: you are so beautiful and sexy
Seriously, you fool. Does this ever work? I mean c'mon. I closed the match without responding. Because my response would have been:
subject: sigh.
text: you are neither sexy nor amusing.
And my momma taught me if you can't say anything nice... BLOG ABOUT IT!
Happy Memorial Day! I'll be at the beach, remembering all our fallen soldiers.
-W
Monday, May 23, 2011
Dear Ryan the Choir Boy (again),
I remember you having one really awkward phone call with me, before you turned psycho. As it happens, one of my friends D, is also on eharmony, and she mentioned talking to a guy named Ryan. I warned her, and as it turns out, you had creeped her out as well.
Here are the creep factors you never explained to her: you changed your profile to say you are a lawyer. You are not a lawyer. You work at a church, and it is unclear if you ever graduated with a degree in Parks & Tourism (read: one of the easiest degrees ever to walk the face of earth). I mean great, tell a girl you are lawyer, and I guess she'll be impressed. Or really pissed off when she figures out that you are actually a nutjob who lies about his profession to get a date. If you don't like what you do for a living, own it and change it.
You also failed to mention to D that you live with your mother. For real. Again, no shame in that, but given that you are pushing 30, you should probably disclose that fact. Lots of girls won't date guys who don't have their shit together. And living with your mom is likely a sign of not having your shit together.
So a bit of final advice for you Ryan. Neither D nor I will be going out with you. Turns out girls like us won't date creepers who lie about their education, profession, and living situation.
All the best,
W & D
Here are the creep factors you never explained to her: you changed your profile to say you are a lawyer. You are not a lawyer. You work at a church, and it is unclear if you ever graduated with a degree in Parks & Tourism (read: one of the easiest degrees ever to walk the face of earth). I mean great, tell a girl you are lawyer, and I guess she'll be impressed. Or really pissed off when she figures out that you are actually a nutjob who lies about his profession to get a date. If you don't like what you do for a living, own it and change it.
You also failed to mention to D that you live with your mother. For real. Again, no shame in that, but given that you are pushing 30, you should probably disclose that fact. Lots of girls won't date guys who don't have their shit together. And living with your mom is likely a sign of not having your shit together.
So a bit of final advice for you Ryan. Neither D nor I will be going out with you. Turns out girls like us won't date creepers who lie about their education, profession, and living situation.
All the best,
W & D
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Dear Child Custody & My Disclosures,
As promised, today's post includes a list of my initial disclosures. But first, let me tell you about the absolute freak show eharmony matched me with. On eharmony, you start out communications with 5 multiple choice questions, and then you move to open ended questions and then finally to email. This fool's opening open-ended question was "Do you know a good child custody lawyer?."
What?! Seriously, this is like the lawyer equivalent of being at a cocktail party and meeting a lawyer and immediately asking him/her about your STD. Seriously. Most lawyers won't touch child custody cases with a ten-foot pole. Especially this lawyer. Not to mention, it was a completely selfish question (read: did nothing to ask me about me) and it was just downright creepy. Child custody issues usually involve baby mama drama. I, frankly, don't want to get involved with someone with that much baggage.
Anyhow here is the list:
1. I am high maintenance. No joke. When I used to call my dad's office, his secretary would tell him "HM, line one."
2. I am southern. Therefore, I expect certain things like having car doors opened for me, men to rise when I approach the table, and my dates paying for me. (relationship status will probably entail me picking up the check every now and again, but lets be real here, most of the time the guy should be paying)
3. I am a picky eater. I don't like lobster, fish, or crab, but I love most other meat.
4. I don't eat vegetables, opting instead for junk food.
5. I drink, occasionally to excess.
6. I go to church almost every Sunday. I will expect you to accompany me.
7. I was in a sorority and some of my best friends are sorority sisters, so if you don't like Greeks, move along.
8. I'm a lawyer, but I'm not rich. But I expect you to be rich.
9. Boyfriend duties will include getting my car oil changes, gas fillups and washes. I'd hate to break a nail.
10. I know I'll get plastic surgery eventually, so you need to be ok with that and ok with paying for it too.
11. I am a tease. For real.
12. I work a lot, so I don't really cook. But to reward you for your bug killing, trash hauling, and lawn mowing, I will glady order us a mean takeout or make wonderfully splendid reservations.
13. You have to be ok with me turning heads and attracting freaks. I can't help it.
14. I have a dog. You must love my dog. We are a package deal.
15. I have a large, crazy (the good kind of crazy, not the bad) family. We are also a package deal.
Happy Sunday!
W
What?! Seriously, this is like the lawyer equivalent of being at a cocktail party and meeting a lawyer and immediately asking him/her about your STD. Seriously. Most lawyers won't touch child custody cases with a ten-foot pole. Especially this lawyer. Not to mention, it was a completely selfish question (read: did nothing to ask me about me) and it was just downright creepy. Child custody issues usually involve baby mama drama. I, frankly, don't want to get involved with someone with that much baggage.
Anyhow here is the list:
1. I am high maintenance. No joke. When I used to call my dad's office, his secretary would tell him "HM, line one."
2. I am southern. Therefore, I expect certain things like having car doors opened for me, men to rise when I approach the table, and my dates paying for me. (relationship status will probably entail me picking up the check every now and again, but lets be real here, most of the time the guy should be paying)
3. I am a picky eater. I don't like lobster, fish, or crab, but I love most other meat.
4. I don't eat vegetables, opting instead for junk food.
5. I drink, occasionally to excess.
6. I go to church almost every Sunday. I will expect you to accompany me.
7. I was in a sorority and some of my best friends are sorority sisters, so if you don't like Greeks, move along.
8. I'm a lawyer, but I'm not rich. But I expect you to be rich.
9. Boyfriend duties will include getting my car oil changes, gas fillups and washes. I'd hate to break a nail.
10. I know I'll get plastic surgery eventually, so you need to be ok with that and ok with paying for it too.
11. I am a tease. For real.
12. I work a lot, so I don't really cook. But to reward you for your bug killing, trash hauling, and lawn mowing, I will glady order us a mean takeout or make wonderfully splendid reservations.
13. You have to be ok with me turning heads and attracting freaks. I can't help it.
14. I have a dog. You must love my dog. We are a package deal.
15. I have a large, crazy (the good kind of crazy, not the bad) family. We are also a package deal.
Happy Sunday!
W
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply,
So, earlier today A and I were talking about how awkward first dates are, because you really don't know what to expect or at what point in the conversation the date is going to take a turn for the worst. So we were joking about how I should ask a series of questions to guys before I agree to go out with them. An application of sorts. So here is what we came up with. What would you put on your application?
1. What kind of car do you drive? This is a first impression, so it is important to put your best foot forward here. As a dude, your car better be nicer and cleaner than mine. It's not a high bar, but it's a bar.
2. Where are we going for dinner? You should have already made reservations somewhere, and it better not be a mega chain restaurant (except for Outback or Ruth's Chris). Plan ahead and act like this isn't your first time at the rodeo.
3. What are you going to wear? It had better not be jorts, cargo shorts, or glitter. Your clothing should also be clean and ironed. Put in some effort.
4. Are you a first date kisser? It would be good to know if you are going to make a move or not.
5. Did you go to college/ do you have a job/ do you have ambition? Trust me, this seems to be an issue with some guys. I work my tail off, and I don't do it to support a K-Fed.
6. Do you look decent with your shirt off? I know I do, so you need to be able to accompany me to the beach and pool.
7. What is your living situation? If you are over 30, I am going to expect that you own your own home and no longer live with roommates. And living with your parents is a definite no-no.
8. Are you married/separated/dating/baby daddy? No explanation needed.
9. How many other girls are you texting, calling, dating, or banging? I have a double standard here. Your number had better be zero. My number varies, depending on the day. Sorry I'm not sorry.
10. Are you willing to act as a delivery service for cheese fries/cupcakes/frosties/snocones at random and various times throughout the week? I get hungry at odd times.
11. Has anyone ever complained about your kissing abilities? And your number of makeout partners cannot be as high as mine, but it better be more than your age.
12. Are you a meathead? If so, are you willing to mow A's yard, sans a shirt, while we sit on the deck with martinis and watch? Again, no explanation needed.
13. Have any of your exes ever taken a restraining order or sued you for any reason? Dealbreaker for sure.
14. Are you a felon? Have you ever been arrested for anything? Are you currently being sued? (Trust me, this has already come up this summer)
15. What products do you use in your hair. If you use more than one, we will never work out.
16. Does anyone refer to you as a douchebag, asshole, jerk, creeper, etc? Do you deserve the title? I had enough douchebag to last a lifetime already, so that limit has already been reached this year. Zero tolerance policy now.
17. Do you have a yippy rat dog or a cat? If yes, this would never work out. Manly big dogs are ok and a plus.
18. Do you know how to use a grill and do you use it often? I like steak.
19. How much debt do you have and what is your credit score? Dave Ramsey advises this. And so does my daddy.
20. Do you go to church? Do you believe in Jesus? Again, dealbreaker. And no, mormons don't count.
So there it is. An application to date me. Not too crazy. Stay tuned tomorrow when I provide you a list of initial disclosures about me. (# 1 is I am high maintenance).
-W
1. What kind of car do you drive? This is a first impression, so it is important to put your best foot forward here. As a dude, your car better be nicer and cleaner than mine. It's not a high bar, but it's a bar.
2. Where are we going for dinner? You should have already made reservations somewhere, and it better not be a mega chain restaurant (except for Outback or Ruth's Chris). Plan ahead and act like this isn't your first time at the rodeo.
3. What are you going to wear? It had better not be jorts, cargo shorts, or glitter. Your clothing should also be clean and ironed. Put in some effort.
4. Are you a first date kisser? It would be good to know if you are going to make a move or not.
5. Did you go to college/ do you have a job/ do you have ambition? Trust me, this seems to be an issue with some guys. I work my tail off, and I don't do it to support a K-Fed.
6. Do you look decent with your shirt off? I know I do, so you need to be able to accompany me to the beach and pool.
7. What is your living situation? If you are over 30, I am going to expect that you own your own home and no longer live with roommates. And living with your parents is a definite no-no.
8. Are you married/separated/dating/baby daddy? No explanation needed.
9. How many other girls are you texting, calling, dating, or banging? I have a double standard here. Your number had better be zero. My number varies, depending on the day. Sorry I'm not sorry.
10. Are you willing to act as a delivery service for cheese fries/cupcakes/frosties/snocones at random and various times throughout the week? I get hungry at odd times.
11. Has anyone ever complained about your kissing abilities? And your number of makeout partners cannot be as high as mine, but it better be more than your age.
12. Are you a meathead? If so, are you willing to mow A's yard, sans a shirt, while we sit on the deck with martinis and watch? Again, no explanation needed.
13. Have any of your exes ever taken a restraining order or sued you for any reason? Dealbreaker for sure.
14. Are you a felon? Have you ever been arrested for anything? Are you currently being sued? (Trust me, this has already come up this summer)
15. What products do you use in your hair. If you use more than one, we will never work out.
16. Does anyone refer to you as a douchebag, asshole, jerk, creeper, etc? Do you deserve the title? I had enough douchebag to last a lifetime already, so that limit has already been reached this year. Zero tolerance policy now.
17. Do you have a yippy rat dog or a cat? If yes, this would never work out. Manly big dogs are ok and a plus.
18. Do you know how to use a grill and do you use it often? I like steak.
19. How much debt do you have and what is your credit score? Dave Ramsey advises this. And so does my daddy.
20. Do you go to church? Do you believe in Jesus? Again, dealbreaker. And no, mormons don't count.
So there it is. An application to date me. Not too crazy. Stay tuned tomorrow when I provide you a list of initial disclosures about me. (# 1 is I am high maintenance).
-W
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dear Brian the Ex & Peaches,
Oh Eharmony. You did it again. You sent me not one but two matches that I already knew. This is in addition to the matches that have mutual friends with me.
First, you matched me with Brian, H's ex. H dated Brian throughout college, so I knew a lot about Brian from H. H & I went to Spring Break in Vegas our senior year. Upon our return, Brian dumped H out of the blue. It was really random, but given that Brian was a dead weight around H's neck, I was relieved.
Seriously, H was my bff, but I had met Brian on two, maybe three occasions. Seriously, the dude was a complete introvert. He never went to parties with us. Ever. He wouldn't even be her date to AKPsi functions. It was really strange, and we often wondered how someone so outgoing as H would be with a hermit.
Well imagine my surprise when I clicked on my new matches and saw his face. HOLY SHIT, I exclaimed. Immediately, I called Holly. No answer. (it was roughly around 3 on a Friday, so she was still at work). I texted her to CALL ME BACK ASAP.
So, she got out of her meeting with her VP. Because this was some important stuff. So I read her Brian's profile. It was hilarious. He mentioned at least 10 times how much he liked to hang out with friends. What friends, Brian? If you don't have friends in college, you'll never have them. And then there were the numerous mentions of how much he enjoyed going out and drinking. The two things he HATED in college. Seriously, it was the most complete BS profile ever. Further, he listed his occupation as student. The last we heard, he was managing Applebee's... Aim high, Brian. And, he listed himself as a year younger than he actually is. Awesome.
Then today, I got matched with a guy I went to high school and college with and the guy I gave the nickname of Peaches (not really sure why). Poor peaches. Nice guy, but no thanks eharmony.
-W
First, you matched me with Brian, H's ex. H dated Brian throughout college, so I knew a lot about Brian from H. H & I went to Spring Break in Vegas our senior year. Upon our return, Brian dumped H out of the blue. It was really random, but given that Brian was a dead weight around H's neck, I was relieved.
Seriously, H was my bff, but I had met Brian on two, maybe three occasions. Seriously, the dude was a complete introvert. He never went to parties with us. Ever. He wouldn't even be her date to AKPsi functions. It was really strange, and we often wondered how someone so outgoing as H would be with a hermit.
Well imagine my surprise when I clicked on my new matches and saw his face. HOLY SHIT, I exclaimed. Immediately, I called Holly. No answer. (it was roughly around 3 on a Friday, so she was still at work). I texted her to CALL ME BACK ASAP.
So, she got out of her meeting with her VP. Because this was some important stuff. So I read her Brian's profile. It was hilarious. He mentioned at least 10 times how much he liked to hang out with friends. What friends, Brian? If you don't have friends in college, you'll never have them. And then there were the numerous mentions of how much he enjoyed going out and drinking. The two things he HATED in college. Seriously, it was the most complete BS profile ever. Further, he listed his occupation as student. The last we heard, he was managing Applebee's... Aim high, Brian. And, he listed himself as a year younger than he actually is. Awesome.
Then today, I got matched with a guy I went to high school and college with and the guy I gave the nickname of Peaches (not really sure why). Poor peaches. Nice guy, but no thanks eharmony.
-W
Monday, May 16, 2011
Dear Jay the Puker,
So this weekend I attended the wedding of H & S in Virginia. It was a beautiful wedding for two of the nicest people on God's green earth. I loved every minute of it. At the wedding was Jay the Puker. S had set me up with Jay the Puker when both Jay and I were summer associates in Raleigh after our second year of law school.
The first date was a blind date and it was wonderful. Jay brought me a white rose, had reservations at a nice restaurant, picked out a great bottle of wine. The whole nine yards. So, I agreed to a second date. The night of the second date, I had a migraine and wasn't feeling well, but it was just a short drinks/dinner type of date so I told R, the girl I roomed with that I would be back home in time to catch So You Think You Can Dance.
So we went to Bogart's, home of the best martinis in Raleigh. We each got a martini, and were chatting. But Jay kept slamming back the martinis. I was on my first one, he was on his third. Uh Oh.
I did not know that Jay had been on a summer associate outing the night before. For the uninitiated, prior to the recession, law students were treated like rock stars, didn't have to do any work as summer associates, and just had to sit back and be wined and dined all summer. Ah, the good ole days. Anyhow, Jay had had numerous cocktails the night before, and due to the hangover, had not eaten a thing all day. And now, according to S, Jay was on a date with me and very intimidated. So I order us appetizers at the bar, because Jay was starting to slur his speech. And I continued on to my second and third drinks. I was on my third drink when Jay polished off his 6th and started to literally pass out face first on the bar. I text P to bring in reinforcements. Its going to be a much longer and more complicated night than I thought.
Holy crap. Nothing in life prepares you for the point where your date passes out at the bar. Ever. My sorority sister, A, worked at this restaurant. She came up to me and tells me Jay is about to get thrown out of the bar, because you can't be passing out. Eff my life. Jay drove us here. It is a second date, I have no idea where Jay lives. So, I go to the bathroom where it was quiet to call S and bitch him out/find out where Jay lives so I can put him in a cab home. No answer. Wonderful.
I come out of the bar to witness Jay being escorted out of the bar by security. There is puke all over Jay, all over his suit, all over the bar, and all over the chairs. Disgusting. Security asks me if I know where he lives. I said no, but I would try to find out. Jay can no longer form a sentence, so I ask him to hand me his wallet. He hands me a pukey wallet. Wonderful, what a lovely exchange of body fluids I did not expect. And his license was from Virginia. So the bouncers kicked him out.
Luckily, P had arrived and A was still working there so I had people to hang out with til someone could drive me home. The bartender, feeling sorry for me, said "don't worry he left his bar tab open, so have more drinks." So I did. I had a lot more. And then I met a group of gay guys who were fascinated by what had just happened to me. So I became BFF with them for the night. Invited them to my birthday party and everything. You guys should see the pictures from that night. Haha.
So undeterred by the group of gays surrounding me, Sam's Club wades through to introduce himself to me and ask me what was so hilarious. So Sam's Club starts buying all my drinks. We apparently had our first two kisses that night. Neither of which I remember. So, let the record reflect, that I started dating Sam's Club while blackout after I had a date get thrown out of the bar/restaurant for puking.
Jay called to apologize the next day, but I didn't answer and I just let it go at that. I was dating many other guys at the time, and none of them had puked on me, either. Jay, was a gentleman, however. He called S to make sure I got home okay and he did tip the bartenders several hundred dollars for acting a fool according to A.
Fast forward to the bar exam the following summer. Poor Jay and I get stuck on the same row. So everytime Jay gets up, he has to walk right past me. So awkward. And even though Jay and I are both attorneys in Raleigh now, our paths hadn't crossed again until this weekend. And of course, we pretended we didn't know each other. It was only polite.
-W.
The first date was a blind date and it was wonderful. Jay brought me a white rose, had reservations at a nice restaurant, picked out a great bottle of wine. The whole nine yards. So, I agreed to a second date. The night of the second date, I had a migraine and wasn't feeling well, but it was just a short drinks/dinner type of date so I told R, the girl I roomed with that I would be back home in time to catch So You Think You Can Dance.
So we went to Bogart's, home of the best martinis in Raleigh. We each got a martini, and were chatting. But Jay kept slamming back the martinis. I was on my first one, he was on his third. Uh Oh.
I did not know that Jay had been on a summer associate outing the night before. For the uninitiated, prior to the recession, law students were treated like rock stars, didn't have to do any work as summer associates, and just had to sit back and be wined and dined all summer. Ah, the good ole days. Anyhow, Jay had had numerous cocktails the night before, and due to the hangover, had not eaten a thing all day. And now, according to S, Jay was on a date with me and very intimidated. So I order us appetizers at the bar, because Jay was starting to slur his speech. And I continued on to my second and third drinks. I was on my third drink when Jay polished off his 6th and started to literally pass out face first on the bar. I text P to bring in reinforcements. Its going to be a much longer and more complicated night than I thought.
Holy crap. Nothing in life prepares you for the point where your date passes out at the bar. Ever. My sorority sister, A, worked at this restaurant. She came up to me and tells me Jay is about to get thrown out of the bar, because you can't be passing out. Eff my life. Jay drove us here. It is a second date, I have no idea where Jay lives. So, I go to the bathroom where it was quiet to call S and bitch him out/find out where Jay lives so I can put him in a cab home. No answer. Wonderful.
I come out of the bar to witness Jay being escorted out of the bar by security. There is puke all over Jay, all over his suit, all over the bar, and all over the chairs. Disgusting. Security asks me if I know where he lives. I said no, but I would try to find out. Jay can no longer form a sentence, so I ask him to hand me his wallet. He hands me a pukey wallet. Wonderful, what a lovely exchange of body fluids I did not expect. And his license was from Virginia. So the bouncers kicked him out.
Luckily, P had arrived and A was still working there so I had people to hang out with til someone could drive me home. The bartender, feeling sorry for me, said "don't worry he left his bar tab open, so have more drinks." So I did. I had a lot more. And then I met a group of gay guys who were fascinated by what had just happened to me. So I became BFF with them for the night. Invited them to my birthday party and everything. You guys should see the pictures from that night. Haha.
So undeterred by the group of gays surrounding me, Sam's Club wades through to introduce himself to me and ask me what was so hilarious. So Sam's Club starts buying all my drinks. We apparently had our first two kisses that night. Neither of which I remember. So, let the record reflect, that I started dating Sam's Club while blackout after I had a date get thrown out of the bar/restaurant for puking.
Jay called to apologize the next day, but I didn't answer and I just let it go at that. I was dating many other guys at the time, and none of them had puked on me, either. Jay, was a gentleman, however. He called S to make sure I got home okay and he did tip the bartenders several hundred dollars for acting a fool according to A.
Fast forward to the bar exam the following summer. Poor Jay and I get stuck on the same row. So everytime Jay gets up, he has to walk right past me. So awkward. And even though Jay and I are both attorneys in Raleigh now, our paths hadn't crossed again until this weekend. And of course, we pretended we didn't know each other. It was only polite.
-W.
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