Dear Patrick the Blah,

We went out on Monday night. I turned heads.  You did not.

I've gotta get ready for date 2 with outback so I'm going to keep this simple for you:

1 - you should not constantly be talking about going to the gym, if you are medically considered overweight/obese. if you work out that much, and have yet to lose any weight, you are doing something wrong.
2 - your car is a two door charger.  I don't have a problem with the charger. I have a problem with you buying a 2 door one.  You are in your 30s.  Your car should be a nice sedan or SUV, or a really nice sports car.  The charger kinda tells me you are trashy in your tastes.
3 - do you not have single hobby or friend.  I spent the time talking about friends, traveling, activities.  You talked about your brother in fayetteville.  I suggest you develop both friends and hobbies. You aren't new to this town, you went to both undergrad and grad school here.  Where are your friends?!?!
4 - back to the car thing.  I hate to beat a dead horse here, but you told me that for the past 7 years you drove a car without air conditioning.  We live in the south.  We have summer 8 months a year.  You drive a minimum of 2 hours a day in your car you said.  SO WTF?!?! I think you are probably super cheap, in which case I am not the girl for you.  I'm a cheap date, but not that cheap. Geeze.
5 - do you think you could have tucked your shirt in for our date?  I mean, if you weren't going to take the clothes to the dry cleaner, you would think u could class it up.  Just a little.


He's asked me out a few times since then.  I've been busy, asleep, or "tired."  Read: uninterested

best of luck Patrick, you seem like a nice enough guy.  But in the words of A: I would eat you for breakfast.

-W

Dear Outback,

You were cuter than your pictures, not that I will ever admit that to your face.  You also were pretty funny.

Right up until you said "You are really pretty, for an NC State girl"

Wtf kind of backhanded compliment is that?

Seriously, it is a good thing that you were cute and funny and nice.

Otherwise I wouldn't have made out with you in the outback parking lot on a Sunday night like the makeout whore I am.

-W

Dear City of Raleigh,

Sorry for partying.

The girls and I headed to downtown Raleigh this Friday for some summer shenanigans.  It was like college all over again. Meaning, it was awesome and complete shit show.  Here are some snippets for your enjoyment:

- playing power hour while getting ready. (fratmusic.com has ready made powerhour playlists as well as playlists for anything else you could possibly think of. warning though, it will make you want to drink.)

- A: W, you look like a hooker!

W: I AM a hooker! Shut the fuck up!

(side note, this was shouted on the sidewalk at roughly 9:30pm. right in front of people finishing their dinners.)

A: She is not actually a hooker.

20 minutes late and blocks away:

- W: Do you think that guy knows I am a hooker?

Rando: what's your name?

H: James

Rando: That's a boy's name

H: I used to be a man

Rando: You did not!

H: wouldn't you like to know?

H&W: Hey, Chris the Bouncer, for every douchebag you let in this bar, double the cover and split it with us.

Chris: There is no cover.

H&W: Ok, just pay us in shots then.

H: How old are you?

Rando2: 23

H: you look 7

Rando 2: I usually get told I look 12

H: It's probably because of your Justin Bieber haircut.

W: We're lawyers!

T: No, I'm a speech therapist... you're a lawyer!

W: It's my birthday... MONTH! (over and over and over at top volume)

Rando 3: So your group seems pretty fiesty.

A2: You have no idea.

Rando: Who in the group is most fiesty?

A2: You couldn't handle any of us.

Rando: What about the girl in the pink (W)?

A2: Oh, she would eat you for breakfast.

Rando: It's ok I have my friends for backup.

A2: So does she. See the girl in the black and white dress (H?)

Rando: Yeah

A2: You and all of your friends combined couldn't handle either one of them.

Rando: Yeah right.

A2: Ok, don't say I didn't warn you! W, this guy says he can handle you.

W: Awww, bless his heart!

- at some point I dropped my phone, it broke into 5 pieces. A said that I picked up 2 pieces (the back cover and part of the case, not anything that actually had buttons) and walked off. Leaving them to pick up my phone.

- W: That girl you were just talking to was not cute. (She totally was, I was just in a douchey mood I guess)

Rando3: Oh, you mean my friend's wife?

W: Yeah. Not cute.

- A: H is texting people in your phone. Who is M.S. and how do you know him?  He is really concerned about your inebriated state.

W: Bible Study.

A: I'm going to go remove your phone from H.

- (after punching rando 3 for apparently the 3rd time) Rando 3: Ow! you hit hard!

W: It's because I work out.

Rando 3: Do you really?

W: yep! See my muscles! (and then I proceeded to make the entire table feel my muscles)

and finally, the quote of the night:

Rando 3: You're really cute. I'd like you more if you were sober though.

<3 you guys!

-W

Dear Mr-i-love-you-voicemail-guy,

We met at a bar one night in college. I can't remember if we made out or not.  I'm guessing we didn't make out because you had a soul patch, and I find those things disgusting.  Plus, I invited another guy to hang out with me the night we met, so that could have been awkward.

Anyhow, I must have been drunk enough to give you my number.  And you were crazy enough to use it. Several times a day.  Despite me not returning or responding to your desperate attempts to contact me.

Two weeks after we met, I was at chapter (for the non-greeks in here, weekly sorority meetings).  So I sent you to voicemail.  As everyone was socializing after the close of chapter, I listened to your voicemail.

Shut.Up.

You legit ended your message with an "i love you."  Seriously.  To confirm, I asked another sorority sister to tell me what she heard when she listened to the message. A said, "That's an 'i love you' alright."

Awesome.

So, being me, I played the message on speaker phone for almost the entire sorority.  Guess you never got a chance to date a piece of "heaven on earth" because none of the angels would go out with you after they figured out you were Mr.-I-love-you-voicemail guy.

Next time, keep your crazy-sounding, clingy, creepy thoughts to yourself.

loveyoumeanit!
-A

Happy Memorial Day!

Dear loyal readers,

This weekend I saw a sign that I thought I would share with you as I wait for more freaks to come along:

Better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psycho.


Happy Memorial Day!
~W

Dear Jeff the Freakshow,

You were another eharmony match.  Everytime you opened your mouth on eharmony, you inserted your foot in it.
Exhibit A:
You described yourself as a Christian.  When I asked about your spirituality, you said you didn't believe in any God. Huh?  By definition, then, you aren't a Christian.

Exhibit B:
I asked you to list ten facts about yourself.  You listed that you were an excellent kisser.  That should be a given, but its really kind of weird that you think that is one of the ten most interesting things about you.  Or that i'd take your word for it.  Listen, I've kissed many a fool, making me an excellent judge.  It's kind of like being a lady. If you have to say you are, you aren't.

Exhibit C:
You sent an email to me. It read as follows:

Subject: sigh
Text: you are so beautiful and sexy


Seriously, you fool.  Does this ever work?  I mean c'mon. I closed the match without responding.  Because my response would have been:

subject: sigh.
text: you are neither sexy nor amusing.

And my momma taught me if you can't say anything nice... BLOG ABOUT IT!


Happy Memorial Day!  I'll be at the beach, remembering all our fallen soldiers.

-W

Dear Ryan the Choir Boy (again),

I remember you having one really awkward phone call with me, before you turned psycho.  As it happens, one of my friends D, is also on eharmony, and she mentioned talking to a guy named Ryan.  I warned her, and as it turns out, you had creeped her out as well.

Here are the creep factors you never explained to her: you changed your profile to say you are a lawyer.  You are not a lawyer.  You work at a church, and it is unclear if you ever graduated with a degree in Parks & Tourism (read: one of the easiest degrees ever to walk the face of earth). I mean great, tell a girl you are lawyer, and I guess she'll be impressed.  Or really pissed off when she figures out that you are actually a nutjob who lies about his profession to get a date.  If you don't like what you do for a living, own it and change it.

You also failed to mention to D that you live with your mother.  For real.  Again, no shame in that, but given that you are pushing 30, you should probably disclose that fact. Lots of girls won't date guys who don't have their shit together.  And living with your mom is likely a sign of not having your shit together.

So a bit of final advice for you Ryan.  Neither D nor I will be going out with you.  Turns out girls like us won't date creepers who lie about their education, profession, and living situation.

All the best,
W & D