Dear Mr. Gym Class Hero,

Dear Mr. Gym Teacher,

I picked you out of the crowd at the bar, because you were tragically dressed in a navy v-neck sweater that your mom probably bought for you.   You looked like you were a nice guy; and I thought you could be a project that I could fix up.  So I grabbed your hand and pulled you to the dance floor.  Let’s just accept the fact that you wanted me, because after a few drinks my confidence borders on hubris.   [Example: I was told by several men that night that I was hot.  To which I responded "I know."] 

Then Mr. Gym Teacher, I'm not sure how we got to talking, or what we were talking about, because let’s face it, i was 2 or 3 sheets to the wind.   I know that I asked you what you did and how old you were.   You were a 24 year old gym teacher, and very proud of it.   This is cute, if you are a nice guy.  But eventually you made a comment, which basically stated that I WAS going to go home with you that night.   So of course, I wanted to make it perfectly clear to you that you were not getting inside of this pair of designer denim tonight or at any point.  So, without hesitation I point around the bar and said "There are plenty of other girls at this bar you can go talk to."  Frankly dude, did you really think being a gym teacher is going to get you laid?   Has this worked for you in the past?  Clearly you don't know me; because even if you were a doctor this strategy would not have worked.   As if you hadn't already made enough of an ass out of yourself then you said "I don't date".   Again dude, know your audience.   That night, the last thing I was looking for was a date.   After a serious relationship, the scariest thing is going out on a first date with someone new.  So I certainly wasn't interested in dating anyone; much less an arrogant gym teacher.  In fact, at the bar I had been at 10 min earlier, I ditched a guy because he wanted to take me out on a date the next day; but that's a whole other story.  My point is: I was just looking to dance, have fun, and not worry about dating or going home with anyone that night.   Clearly, you misunderstood.   Later in the night, as I'm giving out my phone number to a different guy at the bar at 1:57am, I glance over to you, and see that you are alone.   Why so sad Mr. Gym Teacher?  You should probably work on your pick up lines.  I'm guessing "I'm a gym teacher, wanna bone?", doesn’t work.  Best of luck in the future. 

xoxo,

M

Dear Matt the Poker,

I just got poked on facebook. Really? I don't think that has happened to me since roughly 2005.  Wow.

But big blog posts headed your way?

So, loyal readers! Get pumped up and happy weekend and GO WOLFPACK!!!
w

Dear Hamilton,

This weekend, A and I went out to the bars with some other girls.  We were drunk and ridiculous (what else is new) and giving out fake names.  Like we do, when we aren't really interested, but we still want to flirt.

So, A strikes up a drunken convo with three guys at a table (dudes reading this blog, if you have empty seats near you, girls will appear. it's not you, our heels are killing us).  We introduce ourselves with fake names as always.  Guys one and two say hello. Not guy three.

Guy three goes "W is not your name!  You went to the College of Management.  You were in ______ club and ______ club with me."

Busted.  Can I point out that college was forever ago, because his name did ring somewhat familiar, but I in no way would have remembered it over 5 years later.

Does stuff like this happen to anyone else?  Or just me?

Sigh,
W

Dear Vegas,

I give in.  Three nights is all I can handle before I lose my ability to think and speak in complete sentences.  Seriously, by the last day in Vegas, I felt like I was wandering around in circles.

We slept in that day, and basically hung out in our fabulous room. MG2 and A3 spent the day shopping, so that was wonderful.

That night, we went to Coyote Ugly's for happy hour.  There, A1 and A2 got involved in a flip cup competition. MG2 and I hung back.  But the other girls on their team SUCKED.  Who sucks at flip cup?  Seriously.  It was there that I paid 8 bucks for two drinks. The first and last money I spent on alcohol in Vegas (except for the pint of rum I used to pregame with).  Under ten bucks for five days. Not bad, not bad at all.  I was super nice to MG2 on this little excursion despite her once again being completely obnoxious with the eye rolling.

When we got back to the hotel, the other girls were going to see Peepshow with Holly Madison from the Girls Next Door.  While, I'm a fan, I'm not a fan of paying a lot of money to see boobs. I have my own.  I can see them every single day for free.

Once they got back from the show, MG2 thankfully went to bed like the Debbie Downer she is.  A1, A2 and I left for the clubs.  I had somehow deleted the text that had us on the list for PURE (did I mention how hungover I was at this point) so we went to JET where A2 had us on the list.  It was a little ghetto for my taste, we had to wait in line, and we couldn't get a bartender's attention.  The final straw was going to the bathroom and seeing the floor littered with cocaine.  Not my scene, y'all.

So we ditched the club and went to the Casino.  A2 wanted to gamble some, while A1 and I scoped out the talent.  The talent was lacking, but we did spot a cute guy next to TWO empty chairs at penny slots. Winning!  And then A2 walks over and says "Hey Trey" and he says "Hey A2".  And that's how you know its time to leave Vegas.

When you are about to hit on a guy who lives in your hometown.  Who works everyday with one of your best friends.  Who would totally ruin the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mantra.

So, we just went home and went to bed.  And spent the next morning trying not to puke on our flights home.

-W

Dear Ahoy,

So the next day, I fully expected an apology from MG2.  She apologized to A1.  But the rest of us, she said not a word to.  Not even me, the person she was talking shit about all night, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

But here is how I felt better about myself.  While she was apologizing to A1, she was wearing her Mom swimsuit that was about the most unflattering cut I have ever seen on anyone.  Seriously it was all wrong on the bottom.  And I was in my bikini, letting my ab outline do the "fuck you" talking for me.  Winning, no?

So anyway, A1 and I hang out for the day, and the other girls split off into twosomes.  A1 and I, in our struggles to find the hotel pool, managed to get us on every VIP list in Las Vegas.  Sorry for Partying and Being Pretty.  Seriously, how we pulled that off when we looked hungover as hell, I'll never know. But I'm not complaining. I think A2 and L got on some guest lists too, but the ones A1 and I signed us up for had better drink specials, so that determined our destiny.

So, A1 and I decide to nurse our hangovers at the Cesar's Palace pool before we switched to our new hotel, Planet Hollywood Westgate.  Sloppy and Poundtown ask to join us, and we let them, because we needed the entertainment.  Best part: Sloppy and Poundtown asked to make sure MG2 wasn't with us, because they hated her guts.  She apparently hit on them a little too hard and didn't get a hint.  Plus, she was mean to them. Understandable.

So, late afternoon, A1 and I leave to go switch our hotels.  Our new suite at Westgate Towers was AMAZING. It was seriously like being on MTV's Real World, as you can see.

Well, MG2 was still being a bitch, and A1 wanted to go hang out with Sloppy some more, so I went along to chaperone, since A1 has a boyfriend.  We joined the boys at the Monte Carlo pool.  There in the most coordinated dude move ever, they did a divide and conquer and A1 split with Sloppy for the Lazy River. And then we switched.  So I was wingman with Poundtown.  He was hilarious.  From Texas. A twin.  It started to sound really familiar (hello Summer 2006 in Madrid with Frick/Frack/Micky/Minnie/Porter/VanDyke).

So Poundtown and I are hitting it off and we get back from the lazy river and Poundtown is all "let's go get some steak."  But A1 has just told Sloppy she has a boyfriend so they walk us back to our hotel, trying to devise a way to get out of dinner.  A1, you owe me a freakin steak.

So we get up to our room, and the other girls are hanging out in the HOT TUB IN OUR BEDROOM. Awesome. So A1 and I join in. MG2 immediately gets out, but not before rolling her eyes and sighing a lot. STFU MG2. I was just ignoring her at this point.  So we all got ready to go out, and we ended up going to Tryst.

On a Friday night, we had VIP from earlier in the day, so we didn't have to wait in the LONG ASS line, we got comped a round of drinks ($20 bucks each) and we didn't have to pay the cover (I heard it was $30, but that seems crazy).  Anyway, Tryst was awesome. Had a giant waterfall, great dance floor, etc.  The drinks were pricey, but I'm a girl so that doesn't really affect me.  So we're all dancing and having a good time. But not MG2.

A1 and A2's booty shaking soon leads a group of guys over to us.  Navy Boys. Ahoy.  So my navy guy eventually decides he wants to spend money on me like he is a sailor on leave, and I felt it was my patriotic duty to let him.  So he gets us a round of Patron shots, to the tune of $30 each.  Plus two Belevedere and pineapple drinks for me and him.  I am handing out the shots and as I hand one to MG2 she looks at me in disgust and goes "I don't do patron." Right in front of Navy.

Rude.

A2, seeing my blood boil at this hateful bitch not only being rude to me, but now to strangers who are generously buying her drinks, forced MG2 to take the shot.  But, MG2 then made another snotty comment right in front of Navy that "Why didn't he buy us all a mixed drink?"

Wtf.  You can't have it both ways MG2.  You can either be nice and social and say thank you like a decent human being.  Or you can call me a slut for getting free drinks, but if you take this route, then at least put your money where your mouth is.  Sit your fat ass in line for a few hours, pay a ridiculous cover and buy yourself all your drinks.  Otherwise, STFU.  Nobody wants to hear your nonsense.

So, Navy and I leave her ungrateful ass and go back to the dance floor.  We have a great time.  The highlight was the gay Indian guy (different from the first night) that fell in love with A2 had a danceoff with Navy. Best danceoff EVER.  Seriously, it made my night.

So, I'm having fun on the dance floor, when A2 comes up and asks me why I want to leave. Huh? I don't want to leave, I'm having fun.  Apparently, MG2 had told A2 that A1 and I had told her (MG2) that we were ready to leave. A2, thought this was weird and confirmed that neither A1 nor I had ever said anything of the sort.  In fact, we hadn't seen MG2 since we left the bar area.  Yup, turns out MG2 was just trying to get everyone to go home because she was not having fun.

You have as much fun as you make, MG2.  So A1 and A2 and I hung out with our Navy boys for a while longer. Navy turned out to be a TERRIBLE kisser, so when our feet started hurting, we headed back to the hotel. But I was FURIOUS at MG2's rude behavior.

SFP and BP, MG2.

-W

Dear Mean Girl (Part 2)

Tonight you really showed your true colors.  I didn't hang out with you all day. I was hanging out with A2 and L. We were supposed to meet up for happy hour at this really great restaurant that I adore.  You and A1 decided to go to a sushi restaurant happy hour instead. I don't eat sushi, so we said we would join you guys after we ate.

By the time we finish up eating, you and A1 are wasted. Loud and obnoxious wasted.  But we join you at the bar to chitchat before it was time to get ready.  A2 and L are seated next to two rather goodlooking guys, Sloppy and Poundtown.  They started a friendly banter.  After a bit, A2, L and I head upstairs to get ready.  You and A2 stay down at the restaurant with the boys to get your flirt on.  Unfortunately for you, you have put on a lot of weight, but your bitchy attitude has remained in place.

You called the boys assholes and douchebags to their face.  While trying to sit in their lap.  In a bar stool.  Seriously, did you expect that to go over well.  Nevertheless, Sloppy got A2's number and texted her that he needed to go upstairs to our room to charge his phone. A2 said no.  Why?  Because we had 6 girls in various stages of undress and 4 of the 6, including you had boyfriends. That's when the shit hit the fan.

A2 and I were in our room, across the hall and two doors down when we hear YELLING.  You are bitching A1 out because she didn't agree to let the boys in the room.  Her theory being that Sloppy and Poundtown could meet A3, who wasn't even at the restaurant.  And I hate to be mean, but I doubt they would have even been interested, if you know what I mean.

So I come over to your room and Holy Moley, I walk in and find you screaming at A1 about how much she has changed into a slut because of my bad influence.  Seriously.  You proceeded to continue to talk shit about me.  While I was standing right there.  Why am I a slut?  Because I accept free drinks from guys at bars.  Seriously, that's it.

But I decided to take the high road and not get into it with you, because you were being ridiculous and not making any sense.  And arguing with drunk people when I could be out and about enjoying my vacation, didn't seem like the smartest idea.

Meanwhile, I had been texting back and forth with Nerd Conference throughout the day, so I was ready to go out and flirt.  So we finally left your crying, pouting, tail in the room and went to the Palms.  We went to the Playboy Club and then to Moon.  Moon has a crazy nice balcony area overlooking the strip.  It was awesome.

Nerd Conference and friends met us out again. The rest of the girls went back to the hotel room, but since I had about zero desire to go back on the off chance that you were still up, I stayed out with the guys.  We drank and talked at the Bellagio and then I went to Nerd Conference's kick ass room at the Palazzo.  It had an amazing view.  I had definite room envy.

We made out for a few and then I got a cab back to our hotel.  I thought that maybe you would get your shit together the next day and the bitchiness was just you being drunk and obnoxious.

I was proved wrong.

-W

Dear Nerd Conference,

I arrived in Vegas ready to party.  Except it was a Wednesday night.  A and I asked the bell hop where to go out that night.  We were told Lavo at the Bellagio would be our best bet.  Fine great.  Off we went.

I tried to be classy. I really did. I wore my high school graduation dress (cheers for me fitting into it over ten years later.)  I wore drunk pearls (fakes, because I've lost way too much nice jewelry to drunken nights).

The players, A1, A2, A3, MG2 (mean girl 2) and myself. A3 & MG1 took a cab to the Bellagio.  They said they weren't going to walk that far. We were at Cesar's. It wasn't that far, folks.  But A1 and A2 and I decided to walk the Strip and people watch.  So we did.

We get a call as we are approaching the Bellagio that Lavo had a ten dollar cover. Do what?  I am a girl. I am with a group of girls. I do not pay cover.  No, thank you.  So I suggested we go somewhere else, but A3 and MG2 had already paid the cover so we went to see what the deal was.  We get to Lavo and sure enough there is a line and cover. Two things I don't approve of.  So I go talk to the paramedic and get my blisters bandaged up (long walk in heels turned out to be a bad idea).  While I'm dealing with that, A1 goes up to the bouncer and says we have three girls, so do we have to pay cover to go to the bar section?  He looks at us, and waves us in.  Perfect.

We walk in and there sitting in the corner are A3 and MG2.  They had apparently not only paid the cover but also bought $20 drinks as well.  Things no girl should ever do.  Did I mention we were like the ONLY girls in this bar?  We were about to find out why.

So, the DJ puts on this new song that I love in Zumba.  So A1 and I go out and create our own dance floor in the bar.  Within 30 seconds of this, we were surrounded by men and drinks were being bought for us.

The main characters that night were Nerd Conference, Mo, Banjo, Married, and Ibby.  Ahhh.  So turns out they were all there for some computer conference.  Which I quickly dubbed the Nerd Conference.  And then I collected their badges.  I think at one point I had five or six.  I looked like a girl after Mardi Gras with all these things around my neck. Good times.

So for whatever reason, I set my sights on Nerd Conference.  He is a Brit, but currently lives in Austin. Except, Drunk W cannot ever hear accents.  So that particular hotness was lost on me.  A2 is tired and not nearly as drunk as A1 and I.  So she is the only one who notices when A3 and MG2 peace out.  We stay until closing and then move from LAVO to the bar in the casino.  Where more drinks were to be had.  And more nerds were to be met.  Here, A2 was annoyed by Banjo (he's like 50 years old wearing a tshirt with "paddle faster, i hear banjos" on it. I shit you not.

So he gives A2 money to gamble with, and shows her his license so that she can be "ok with the 22 year age gap." Sure, buddy, sure.

After a while, we are tired, and hungry and it is morning on the east coast.  So we head back down the strip to our hotel room.  Nerd Conference and I are making out along the way.  He's carrying my shoes and my purse, which was perfect because I decided to do a cartwheel on my way out of the Bellagio.  A1 followed my lead. A2 rolled her eyes.

We get to McDonalds.  They are no longer serving dinner, but have switched to breakfast.  And their internet is down so no credit cards are taken.  Between the 8 adults in our group, we have nine dollars to feed everyone. We get two egg mcmuffins and Ibby orders oatmeal. Nasty.

While eating, I threw the ham from the mcmuffin at A1. It smacked her in the chest. She threw it back at me. A2 had had enough.  Ibby had told us he was gay at some point in the night, but A2 didn't know that. So he was hitting on her hardcore much to our amusement and A2's ire.  It was great.  He also proposed to her. Awesome.

After the food fight, A2 made us leave. We meandered the rest of the way down the strip.  Ibby and I have a heart to heart along the way discussing his love for a girl (despite his being gay... weird, i know). He even recited poetry to me.

We get back to our hotel at 5am.  Roughly 8am back home. Sigh.  The nerd conference boys tried to go up to our rooms. A2 stiff armed them at the elevator. Also hilarious. I kissed Nerd Conference goodbye and he slipped me his card.

Then the girls went to bed while the nerd conference crew headed back to shower before their 7am speech by Mo. Lol. Hilarious. Loved it.  Completely random night full of laughter.

I heart vegas.
-W