Dear 30 Year Old Virgin,

 You were my first date from OKC. We met at a local brewery, you were late (strike 1). I ordered a beer, you ordered water (strike 2). After the orders were taken you stated you were a virgin and asked if this bothered me. I asked if it was for religious purposes, you said no (strike 3). And this was all within 5 mins. I tolerated the rest of the date, you kept getting up every 15 mins to use the bathroom. Seriously do you have that bad of a bladder issue. I quickly drank my beer had my food and stated I had an early day the next day and needed to go to bed. It was 8pm. 

-P

Dear DDS/The Exclusivity Trap,

It has come to my attention that guys are sneaky.  Shock. I know.  But hear me out.  I have recently found myself in a pseudo-relationship that I don't want to be in.

On my last date with DDS, he came to Raleigh.  Fine. Wonderful. But he arrived two hours later than he was supposed to get here. Party foul.  Here's why.  I skipped lunch because we were going to have an early dinner. So I couldn't wait til freaking 9pm to eat.  So I had to hop on over to Wendy's for a cheeseburger and fries before the date. I was not a happy camper.

So anyway, during the date DDS brings up my religious views.  Up until this point, I thought we were pretty much on the same page.  We both go to church every sunday. We both view God as an important part of our lives.  He's Catholic, I'm Southern Baptist, but neither one of us holds denominations as uber important.  So I was shocked when he asked me

"So are you so narrow-minded as to think that the only people going to heaven are Christians?"

Um, DDS, that's kinda the point.  That's the whole basis of Christianity. The Bible is pretty clear that it's Jesus or Hell.  I mean, if  you could get to heaven any other way, then what is the point of Jesus dying on the cross?

So, I'm sitting there.  And for starters, I can't believe he just called me narrow-minded about beliefs he knows are very important to me. You don't name call with people's beliefs. I don't care if they believe in pink elephants, you respect their beliefs. And second, fundamental religious views are dealbreakers, no matter what your religion.

Therefore, later on that night, he spent the night.  Probably because it was 3 hours back home, and he was completely oblivious to my new disdain for him.  So we're sitting in bed, and he says "so I like you a lot. I don't think we should see other people."

In my head I was going "NOOOOOO. don't bring this up now!!!" But I said nothing.  So that got things really awkward really fast.  So DDS started backtracking and saying things "well we don't have to be dating dating, just dating."  WTF?

So I halfheartedly agreed.  Why?  Because he had just pulled the exclusivity trap.  This is a method employed by guys the world over to trap girls into relationships. In my unscientific poll of friends, 3 out of 3 of us had started our relationships in exactly this manner. (Sam's club had pulled the same card too!)

Situation:
- Both in bed.  So there is a slumber party happening.  You don't even have to be fooling around.  You are probably just wanting to fall asleep when he brings up the relationship talk.
- The relationship talk usually consists of a "what are we?" followed by an "i want to be exclusive" discussion.
- At this point the girl has two options.  Agree and be trapped into a relationship.  Or Disagree and 1. feel like a whore because she is spending the night with someone she doesn't even want to date or 2. make things really awkward for the next eight hours.

It's like the ultimate ninja-mind trap.  And the reverse doesn't happen because girls rarely bring up the relationship talk.  And because if they tried the in-the-bed discussion, it wouldn't really work because guys are missing the "i feel like a whore today" gene.

Sigh. So there, I've warned you.  Beware of having slumber parties with anyone you don't actually want to date.  Because they might trap you and you might have to spend a week figuring out how to breakup with someone you didn't want to date in the first place.

-W

Dear Handicapped,

You ruined the date before we got started. How?  We drove up to the restaurant.  You whipped out your grandmother's handicapped parking tag and placed it on the rear view mirror and pulled right into the handicapped space.

You are able-bodied.  You didn't act like it was weird. You acted like it was totally normal to use someone else's handicapped sign. On a first date.

Next time you have a girl accept a date with you, spring for valet and give the handicapped sign back to your grandmother.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do with you.

-X

Dear Lenny the Lame

You requested email conversation immediately on eharmony.  I said why not.  Your emails couldn't be less boring.

"How was your weekend. I hung out with friends."

Seriously, dude, take a creative writing class or something.

But maybe you were shy, so I tried to pull some conversation out of you.

Your profile said you were an "office manager,"  so I asked you what field.  You said actually you were studying ophthalmology.  Great I asked.  Where at?  You said "Wake Tech."

Wake Tech is a community college. Not a medical school. Not sure what you were studying there, but it certainly wasn't ophthalmology.  And I was not amused with your deceitfulness that
1. you had a job
and 2. you had any ambition.

A, my friend, put it best when she said, you wouldn't have even gone out with someone like him in high school. So why would you go out with him now.

Good point, A. I didn't.

-W

Dear Sunday School Setup,

Your mother, bless her heart, was my Sunday School teacher while I was in law school.  You were 30. I was 22.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

You lived at home with her, while I lived alone. She still thought we'd be a good match.

You dropped out of college and worked in a local bar. Read: townie.  I was in a top tier law school.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I wear pearls and sundresses.  You wear all black. She still thought we'd be a good match.

I had just stopped seeing Mudcat.  You were probably his weight, but a full foot shorter than he was.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I politely declined her repeated requests for us to meet.  Low and behold, the last day of finals my 1L year came around.  We pregamed at a friend's house and then headed to the two bars Williamsburg had.  There was a crazy wait outside of the one we wanted to go to. So two friends and I went to the other bar to have some drinks while we waited for the line to die down.

We proceeded to have several shots.  I proceeded to tell them about how my Sunday School teacher was trying to set me up with a complete loser and how it would never happen. Etc.  Not my finest moment, I know.

Flash forward to church on Sunday.  You showed up at church with your mom. She introduced us.  I realized that you were the bartender the night I was telling my friends about you.  I'm sure you heard every word.

Sorry. Or Sorry for Partying. Either way, we wouldn't be a good match.

-W

Dear H and My First Blogging Interview,

Greetings loyal readers.  I hope y'all had a wonderful workday and are enjoying the last few days of summer.

Two things today:

1. H, one of our favorite guest writers, had a story about one of her dates in the September issue of Glamour!  Kudos for her discussing this new phenomenon of unreasonable expectations from guys on dates.  She's famous!  I want to know what you think about this.  Have any of your dates ever tried this move on you (probably not this direct, but maybe)?  Did you fall for it?  If he asked, but was the hottest guy on the planet, would it be a dealbreaker?

2. I was interviewed by R, one of my best college buddies, for her hilarious blog upperbottom.com.  So check that out here.  And, she has agreed to write us a guest blog on how her now husband managed to recover from what apparently was a less-than-stellar first date.  Can't wait to hear about that!

Enjoy!

-W

Dear Sex Sting,

You asked me out in a bar.  Normal.  That happens.  I wasn't interested, but out of curiosity I googled you later on.

Here is what I found:

http://www.todaysthv.com/news/story.aspx?storyid=34689


Yep, that's you.  Mr. Sex Sting Arrestee.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you always google your dates before you go out them.

-A