We had a great first date. You travel the world and we've been to a lot of the same places. You were a little shy, but very handsome. We had great conversation for the first date and actually closed the place down.
The next night, however, you asked me out again. For that night. Um no, not going to happen. Not in a million years. Strike one.
Strike two occurred when we had dinner and then went back to your house to watch a movie. You rented one movie, and I had zero say-so in it. It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. So awkward. Making things worse, you showed me around your house. While clean and large, it was devoid of furniture. You are in your 40s, you should own some furniture by now. What your house was full of, however, was cats. As in two. On your bed. I have a giant dog. So you having cats means that I will never spend the night with you ever.
(Seriously guys with cats and small yippy dogs... these will cockblock you more than anything else I can think of, except for possibly living with your mother)
Strike three was cancelling on a date and then not trying to reschedule for a week. I understand that you may be busy, but you should at least keep me interested.
So, hot pilot, all the best. If you get rid of the cats, maybe we can talk.
xoxo,
W
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Dear Knoxville,
If you have read this blog at all, you know I pick up strays when I am out of town. And instead of leaving them there like any smart female would do, I accept their invitations to come visit me. And so it was, after spending mere hours with Knoxville in Miami, I allowed him to come spend 4 days with me three weeks later.
Of course, because my life is nothing short of one gigantic shitshow... Vegas guy (Nerd Conference) was calling me a bunch during this period as well. He was headed back to vegas for another convention. He really really really wanted me to come out there and spend the week with him. To the tune of had a ticket reserved on American. While, I am normally all up for free vacations, Knoxville happened to have already booked a ticket to come visit me that weekend, so I had to politely decline.
We had been talking a bunch on the phone, and he is a really nice and sweet guy, but to go from 4 hours with someone to 4 days, is a bit much. Marathon dating: it's not for the faint of heart.
I picked him up from the airport Friday morning and he didn't leave until Monday morning. I literally had DAYS to kill. I even took him on a road trip to my favorite hometown restaurant so I could kill 5 hours on Saturday. I'm a girl, I don't plan dates. But when these out of towners come in, they don't know what to do either.
We had fun, but 4 days is a lot of time to spend with someone. He's a really great guy, but he lives 900 miles away. He is not licensed to practice here, nor am I licensed to practice in Florida or Tennessee... but I will be seeing him again when I head back to Miami for my birthday. Assuming of course, that I don't get my very own dateline special before then.
W
Of course, because my life is nothing short of one gigantic shitshow... Vegas guy (Nerd Conference) was calling me a bunch during this period as well. He was headed back to vegas for another convention. He really really really wanted me to come out there and spend the week with him. To the tune of had a ticket reserved on American. While, I am normally all up for free vacations, Knoxville happened to have already booked a ticket to come visit me that weekend, so I had to politely decline.
We had been talking a bunch on the phone, and he is a really nice and sweet guy, but to go from 4 hours with someone to 4 days, is a bit much. Marathon dating: it's not for the faint of heart.
I picked him up from the airport Friday morning and he didn't leave until Monday morning. I literally had DAYS to kill. I even took him on a road trip to my favorite hometown restaurant so I could kill 5 hours on Saturday. I'm a girl, I don't plan dates. But when these out of towners come in, they don't know what to do either.
We had fun, but 4 days is a lot of time to spend with someone. He's a really great guy, but he lives 900 miles away. He is not licensed to practice here, nor am I licensed to practice in Florida or Tennessee... but I will be seeing him again when I head back to Miami for my birthday. Assuming of course, that I don't get my very own dateline special before then.
W
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Dear Herpes Free Pizza
Saturday night in Miami, A was throwing a hissy fit to go to Southbeach. I had never been, so we made the trek. A was beyond wasted, but alas, K and I were pretty sober, having spent the last few hours chitchatting with a friend of K's that we hadn't seen in eons, while A chugged booze.
Sign numero uno we should have gone home: When the cab rolls up, A hops in the front with the cab driver and proceeds to hit on him. Gave him her real name, number, the works. We should have known then...
Sign numero dos: A insists we go to the same club she loved from spring break from five or six years ago. Despite our protests that we are too old for college bars and that spring break does not, in fact, occur during the month of January, we humored her at this point. So we entered the Clevelander. Holy shit. May be the sketchiest place I have ever set foot in.
Sign numero tres: Upon entering, A walks right up to a group of three guys and proclaims to them that we were all newly single. Desperate much? Not to mention... nobody was newly single. She'd had her breakup that summer. K's divorce was final before that, and I was pushing on a year of being single and had already dated several guys during that time. K was mortified. I was irritated to even be in that shit hole, let alone having someone's desperate behavior projected onto me.
Sign numero quatro (aren't you all impressed by my spanish skillz?): The first words out of the three guys A had approached was : We're all happily married. And they all held up their rings as proof. A didn't take the hint, despite them trying to ditch her and K and I trying to get her to talk to ANYONE else in the bar.
Cinco : A sets her heart's desire on The Married, one of the trio. She tells him she wants to make out with him. He tells her "I don't want to make out with you." Right to her face. I'm mortified for her at this point. K abandons all hope at this point and goes to make friends with Drug Dealer. I'm still attempting to play wingman. So I'm talking with Another Married. Another Married tells me that The Married was recently told his wife wanted a divorce via text message. And he also commented about A, saying "Just how desperate is she." It's pretty hard to be a wingman to that. I just said, well, so I moved into a townhome with some girls and the night I move in, I walk smack into her ex boyfriend, who is the current boyfriend of one of my roommates. Small world, and she's taking it terribly.
Six (I can count to five... wahoo): The Married wanders off to talk on the phone, probably with his wife. A follows him and completes a face raping that Daniel from the bar on Thursday would have been proud of.
Seven: Assuming that A was DTF, the Married suddenly decides to leave with A and go back to his hotel room. Another Married was begging for me to take A home or at least come try to chaperone her. A took Another Marrieds whispers to me as a sign of flirting and suggested I go be a homewrecker like her. Um no, thanks A, that's all you. We had literally only been in South Beach for thirty minutes at this point. K and I decided to stay. But, being the awesome friend I am, I had Another Married text me the Married's real name and number so that we could locate A the next day.
Eight: A leaves with all the married me and goes back to their hotel. Not to be seen until 1pm the next day when she wanders home. Apparently, the Married had not asked for her name or number, but after A found out that I had his name and number in my phone, she TOOK MY PHONE AND STOLE THEM and commenced texting. I texted Another Married back to apologize and say that she had taken it, that I did not give them to her. He replied that they had figured that out that that they had been laughing about it all morning. Life lesson you should have learned here A: if he wanted your number, he would have asked for it.
Nine: K, meanwhile, has abandoned A to talk to Drug Dealer, who is this ultra redneck from Ohio. IN CARGO SHORTS. Oh Em Gee. And he annoyed the shit out of me. Having just had to witness the Married fiasco, I didn't have the stomach to wingman for K. And I was completely sober by now, so I prance up to the bar to order myself a drink and get away from Drug Dealer.
Ten: I happen to sit down at the bar next to Henry the Banker. He's roughly my dad's age. He is with two other creepers. Henry though, offers to buy me a drink. I ask for my signature vodka and pineapple juice. He asks me for my brand of vodka. I name it, and Henry makes a snide remark about me picking an expensive brand. Look buddy, I was going to by my own drink, but you offered and then asked my preference. If you don't want to buy me a drink, don't.
Eleven: Henry proceeds to tell me he is a banker from Kansas City and he is out there for work. And one of the creepers he was with is their client. Who just had sex in a strip club. Yes, he said that. Henry asked this guy to say one nice thing about Henry. The creep said "ummm he's a banker." You cannot make this up. But Henry, who is not one who frequents a gym, nor does he have much hair remaining, thought he actually had a chance with me. He starts trying to tell me he can get me a job at a major competitor's firm out of Kansas City, and how he has done that for other women in the past. Real Creep, this one.
Twelve, the bar is closing down. Henry's friends head back to their hotel, which is where the Jersey Shore stayed. Apparently they were really proud to be staying in that herpes haven. Drug Dealer's friends have likewise headed home, so it is me, K, Drug Dealer, and Henry. Drug Dealer suggests we go back to his room and smoke weed. I was like um, no. So we finally agreed to go with Henry back to his hotel for a drink.
Thirteen: We start walking in that direction. Henry is trying to ditch Drug Dealer and K, and Drug Dealer is trying to do the same. K and I, however, each are under the false impression that the other wants to actually spend time with her respective male. Henry and Drug Dealer are being openly hostile to each other and trading insults, which were actually hilarious, but would take too long to type. At some point, it becomes clear, though, that there is no bar in this hotel. Henry was trying to lure us into his hotel room.
Fourteen: Hell no. K and I huddle and determine we don't want to spend another minute with either of these fools. So we decide to just hop in a cab home. Henry and Drug Dealer, though, were eternal optimists. And they were huddling up and discussing how to "Close the deal" and patting each other's butts. It was the most pathetic display since A's behavior earlier that night.
So, we say goodbye to the boys at about 5am. As we get into the cab, people are starting to stretch for the marathon happening that day. They waved at us. Sigh. We're not five minutes down the road when I get a text from Henry: Come up to my room. We're getting a pizza. Herpes free, I promise.
That was his pickup line. I declined. And for the rest of his stay, he tried to get us to come back out with him. Didn't happen. As much as I love pizza, if you have to tell me that it is herpes free, I am not interest.
hahhaa.
-W
Sign numero uno we should have gone home: When the cab rolls up, A hops in the front with the cab driver and proceeds to hit on him. Gave him her real name, number, the works. We should have known then...
Sign numero dos: A insists we go to the same club she loved from spring break from five or six years ago. Despite our protests that we are too old for college bars and that spring break does not, in fact, occur during the month of January, we humored her at this point. So we entered the Clevelander. Holy shit. May be the sketchiest place I have ever set foot in.
Sign numero tres: Upon entering, A walks right up to a group of three guys and proclaims to them that we were all newly single. Desperate much? Not to mention... nobody was newly single. She'd had her breakup that summer. K's divorce was final before that, and I was pushing on a year of being single and had already dated several guys during that time. K was mortified. I was irritated to even be in that shit hole, let alone having someone's desperate behavior projected onto me.
Sign numero quatro (aren't you all impressed by my spanish skillz?): The first words out of the three guys A had approached was : We're all happily married. And they all held up their rings as proof. A didn't take the hint, despite them trying to ditch her and K and I trying to get her to talk to ANYONE else in the bar.
Cinco : A sets her heart's desire on The Married, one of the trio. She tells him she wants to make out with him. He tells her "I don't want to make out with you." Right to her face. I'm mortified for her at this point. K abandons all hope at this point and goes to make friends with Drug Dealer. I'm still attempting to play wingman. So I'm talking with Another Married. Another Married tells me that The Married was recently told his wife wanted a divorce via text message. And he also commented about A, saying "Just how desperate is she." It's pretty hard to be a wingman to that. I just said, well, so I moved into a townhome with some girls and the night I move in, I walk smack into her ex boyfriend, who is the current boyfriend of one of my roommates. Small world, and she's taking it terribly.
Six (I can count to five... wahoo): The Married wanders off to talk on the phone, probably with his wife. A follows him and completes a face raping that Daniel from the bar on Thursday would have been proud of.
Seven: Assuming that A was DTF, the Married suddenly decides to leave with A and go back to his hotel room. Another Married was begging for me to take A home or at least come try to chaperone her. A took Another Marrieds whispers to me as a sign of flirting and suggested I go be a homewrecker like her. Um no, thanks A, that's all you. We had literally only been in South Beach for thirty minutes at this point. K and I decided to stay. But, being the awesome friend I am, I had Another Married text me the Married's real name and number so that we could locate A the next day.
Eight: A leaves with all the married me and goes back to their hotel. Not to be seen until 1pm the next day when she wanders home. Apparently, the Married had not asked for her name or number, but after A found out that I had his name and number in my phone, she TOOK MY PHONE AND STOLE THEM and commenced texting. I texted Another Married back to apologize and say that she had taken it, that I did not give them to her. He replied that they had figured that out that that they had been laughing about it all morning. Life lesson you should have learned here A: if he wanted your number, he would have asked for it.
Nine: K, meanwhile, has abandoned A to talk to Drug Dealer, who is this ultra redneck from Ohio. IN CARGO SHORTS. Oh Em Gee. And he annoyed the shit out of me. Having just had to witness the Married fiasco, I didn't have the stomach to wingman for K. And I was completely sober by now, so I prance up to the bar to order myself a drink and get away from Drug Dealer.
Ten: I happen to sit down at the bar next to Henry the Banker. He's roughly my dad's age. He is with two other creepers. Henry though, offers to buy me a drink. I ask for my signature vodka and pineapple juice. He asks me for my brand of vodka. I name it, and Henry makes a snide remark about me picking an expensive brand. Look buddy, I was going to by my own drink, but you offered and then asked my preference. If you don't want to buy me a drink, don't.
Eleven: Henry proceeds to tell me he is a banker from Kansas City and he is out there for work. And one of the creepers he was with is their client. Who just had sex in a strip club. Yes, he said that. Henry asked this guy to say one nice thing about Henry. The creep said "ummm he's a banker." You cannot make this up. But Henry, who is not one who frequents a gym, nor does he have much hair remaining, thought he actually had a chance with me. He starts trying to tell me he can get me a job at a major competitor's firm out of Kansas City, and how he has done that for other women in the past. Real Creep, this one.
Twelve, the bar is closing down. Henry's friends head back to their hotel, which is where the Jersey Shore stayed. Apparently they were really proud to be staying in that herpes haven. Drug Dealer's friends have likewise headed home, so it is me, K, Drug Dealer, and Henry. Drug Dealer suggests we go back to his room and smoke weed. I was like um, no. So we finally agreed to go with Henry back to his hotel for a drink.
Thirteen: We start walking in that direction. Henry is trying to ditch Drug Dealer and K, and Drug Dealer is trying to do the same. K and I, however, each are under the false impression that the other wants to actually spend time with her respective male. Henry and Drug Dealer are being openly hostile to each other and trading insults, which were actually hilarious, but would take too long to type. At some point, it becomes clear, though, that there is no bar in this hotel. Henry was trying to lure us into his hotel room.
Fourteen: Hell no. K and I huddle and determine we don't want to spend another minute with either of these fools. So we decide to just hop in a cab home. Henry and Drug Dealer, though, were eternal optimists. And they were huddling up and discussing how to "Close the deal" and patting each other's butts. It was the most pathetic display since A's behavior earlier that night.
So, we say goodbye to the boys at about 5am. As we get into the cab, people are starting to stretch for the marathon happening that day. They waved at us. Sigh. We're not five minutes down the road when I get a text from Henry: Come up to my room. We're getting a pizza. Herpes free, I promise.
That was his pickup line. I declined. And for the rest of his stay, he tried to get us to come back out with him. Didn't happen. As much as I love pizza, if you have to tell me that it is herpes free, I am not interest.
hahhaa.
-W
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Dear Miami,
Back in December, A and I decided to go on a super cheap vacation due to a really awesome fare sale on Southwest.com. So in January, we embarked upon our week long excursion to fun in the sun. We stayed with my cousin, K, who happens to live there and is the hostess with the mostest. Love her. Seriously, we punked her by changing into hooker outfits for when she picked us up at the airport and she STILL let us stay.
So, since we were dressed like hookers and it was late when we arrived in Miami, we opted for bed that first night. The second night, however, A and I decided to live la vida loca. Begin makeout contest.
We had dinner at this beautiful restaurant called Crazy About You. The wine started there. After that we went to the Brickell area where my cousin lives for drinking and dancing.
Upon arrival at Baru, Daniel the Colombian chats us up. He sells boats in Miami. He was hilarious. He even tried to help A find boys for her makeout contest, which was useful since there was a language barrier that he could bridge for her. She tried chatting up Eduardo (or something similar... the details are very fuzzy from that night) and found that he didn't speak much English. But his friend was the owner of the bar and sent over a round of some delicious tasting shots.
Those of you who know me, immediately thought "uh oh, W's taking shots... this can't be good." And it wasn't. Anytime you see me out, if you see me taking shots, it probably means I have had so much to drink I can no longer taste anything. Hence, I am ok with taking shots.
A little while later, up comes Knoxville. Now, Knoxville was very cute. As in I had already noticed him across the bar, which is unusual for my self-absorbed self. So when he came up to talk to me, I was a happy camper. He introduced himself, I forgot his name instantly, and instead remembered that he was from Knoxville and that when I asked him what he did for a living, he said he "manipulated people." I said, "So do I. I'm a lawyer." He replied that he was a doctor. His friends were all doctors or medical students, including the one who said "I put people to sleep for a living." Hi, hello, Dateline.
One thing leads to another and Knoxville and I are making out and dancing. Classy, I know. At one point, though, I turn around and see A making out with one of the medical students. And I may have shouted across the bar "A! It looks like you have hump hair!" Because it was such an intense makeout, that her hair was all messed up. Lol. Also -- A gets wingman of the year award right here because Med Student was a douchebag and a half. At one point he told her "I'm only talking to you because my friend likes you friend. To which, A replied "I'm only talking to you because we're in a makeout contest." Love it!
After a bit, we all decide to head to a different bar and the medical students head home. I go to the bathroom first, and upon coming out run into Daniel. Daniel commences to face rape me, right in front of Knoxville. Awkward. But, all is fair in love and makeout contests.
Off to the next bar we head, and at this point K and A are being supreme wingmen because Knoxville and I are acting at about a 25 on the obnoxious scale. We held hands all the way to the next bar, stopping to kiss along the way. Disgusting, I know.
At the next bar, I switch to water, thank the lord. At roughly 3, K and A decide they have had enough and K tells Knoxville where she lives so he can make sure I get home. And off the go. Hello, dateline. Poor life decisions.
Around 4 in the morning, we decide to leave. So Knoxville is out trying his darnedest to get me to go home with him. And of course, I'm having none of it. I am not a hobag. We compromise and agree that he can take me home so we can watch the sunrise over the ocean on his balcony. And then after that hour was up, he could take me home. I made him pinkie-promise me that he would get me home immediately after. Because yes, Dateline, in my head if he pinkie-promised to get me home soon, that was a guarantee he would not kill me and make me swim with the fishes.
So we go back to his place, and we watch the sunrise, and we talk. Til 9am. There was no sleep. Nothing but talking. We must have told each other everything there was to say. I honestly have no clue what we talked about, but I know we just sat on his couch, watched the boats and the sun come up, and chit chatted. Another thing, Knoxville was scheduled to fly out that morning for a week. So, I do remember him trying to change his flights. And in the back of my mind, I was like awww that's sweet but... I don't want him to cramp my style in Miami. Eek. So in the end, we agree that he should just come to Raleigh to visit.
At 9am he drives me home. I've had no sleep. I'm hungover.
I straggle to the front desk in last nights outfit... which is THANKFULLY, jeans and a sweater. I try to make myself understood to them, but between my sleepiness and their Spanglish, I have no idea what is being said. Finally they buzz me up and I arrive back in the apartment. Which is good, because I am pretty sure K would get in a lot of trouble if I didn't show back up. Lol.
The next day... or really later that same day, Daniel texts me to see if we want to go out on his boat with him. I am in no condition to move, let alone ride in a boat with a stranger, so I decline. Yay for good life decisions!
Stay tuned for the Herpes Free Pizza Guy story!
So, since we were dressed like hookers and it was late when we arrived in Miami, we opted for bed that first night. The second night, however, A and I decided to live la vida loca. Begin makeout contest.
We had dinner at this beautiful restaurant called Crazy About You. The wine started there. After that we went to the Brickell area where my cousin lives for drinking and dancing.
Upon arrival at Baru, Daniel the Colombian chats us up. He sells boats in Miami. He was hilarious. He even tried to help A find boys for her makeout contest, which was useful since there was a language barrier that he could bridge for her. She tried chatting up Eduardo (or something similar... the details are very fuzzy from that night) and found that he didn't speak much English. But his friend was the owner of the bar and sent over a round of some delicious tasting shots.
Those of you who know me, immediately thought "uh oh, W's taking shots... this can't be good." And it wasn't. Anytime you see me out, if you see me taking shots, it probably means I have had so much to drink I can no longer taste anything. Hence, I am ok with taking shots.
A little while later, up comes Knoxville. Now, Knoxville was very cute. As in I had already noticed him across the bar, which is unusual for my self-absorbed self. So when he came up to talk to me, I was a happy camper. He introduced himself, I forgot his name instantly, and instead remembered that he was from Knoxville and that when I asked him what he did for a living, he said he "manipulated people." I said, "So do I. I'm a lawyer." He replied that he was a doctor. His friends were all doctors or medical students, including the one who said "I put people to sleep for a living." Hi, hello, Dateline.
One thing leads to another and Knoxville and I are making out and dancing. Classy, I know. At one point, though, I turn around and see A making out with one of the medical students. And I may have shouted across the bar "A! It looks like you have hump hair!" Because it was such an intense makeout, that her hair was all messed up. Lol. Also -- A gets wingman of the year award right here because Med Student was a douchebag and a half. At one point he told her "I'm only talking to you because my friend likes you friend. To which, A replied "I'm only talking to you because we're in a makeout contest." Love it!
After a bit, we all decide to head to a different bar and the medical students head home. I go to the bathroom first, and upon coming out run into Daniel. Daniel commences to face rape me, right in front of Knoxville. Awkward. But, all is fair in love and makeout contests.
Off to the next bar we head, and at this point K and A are being supreme wingmen because Knoxville and I are acting at about a 25 on the obnoxious scale. We held hands all the way to the next bar, stopping to kiss along the way. Disgusting, I know.
At the next bar, I switch to water, thank the lord. At roughly 3, K and A decide they have had enough and K tells Knoxville where she lives so he can make sure I get home. And off the go. Hello, dateline. Poor life decisions.
Around 4 in the morning, we decide to leave. So Knoxville is out trying his darnedest to get me to go home with him. And of course, I'm having none of it. I am not a hobag. We compromise and agree that he can take me home so we can watch the sunrise over the ocean on his balcony. And then after that hour was up, he could take me home. I made him pinkie-promise me that he would get me home immediately after. Because yes, Dateline, in my head if he pinkie-promised to get me home soon, that was a guarantee he would not kill me and make me swim with the fishes.
So we go back to his place, and we watch the sunrise, and we talk. Til 9am. There was no sleep. Nothing but talking. We must have told each other everything there was to say. I honestly have no clue what we talked about, but I know we just sat on his couch, watched the boats and the sun come up, and chit chatted. Another thing, Knoxville was scheduled to fly out that morning for a week. So, I do remember him trying to change his flights. And in the back of my mind, I was like awww that's sweet but... I don't want him to cramp my style in Miami. Eek. So in the end, we agree that he should just come to Raleigh to visit.
At 9am he drives me home. I've had no sleep. I'm hungover.
I straggle to the front desk in last nights outfit... which is THANKFULLY, jeans and a sweater. I try to make myself understood to them, but between my sleepiness and their Spanglish, I have no idea what is being said. Finally they buzz me up and I arrive back in the apartment. Which is good, because I am pretty sure K would get in a lot of trouble if I didn't show back up. Lol.
The next day... or really later that same day, Daniel texts me to see if we want to go out on his boat with him. I am in no condition to move, let alone ride in a boat with a stranger, so I decline. Yay for good life decisions!
Stay tuned for the Herpes Free Pizza Guy story!
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