Dear A,

Thanks for the DLND love!  Don't you just love guys thinking that a few $10 cocktails will do the trick?  Sorry, players, but you start talking conspiracy theories on the first date, and the chastity belt will remain tightly fastened!  If you have any other dating disasters, please send them my way to post!  I loved that story. I especially love that he felt the need to "breakup" after one date.  Holy nutjob.

Now, let's discuss one of the more recent men in your life: Mr.8pack.  Mr. 8pack, I can see, obviously why you like him so.  I mean, he's got that V going on, and abs are nice to look at.  But, he's only going to be a fling.  How do I know?  Because he is more high maintenance than any girl I know.  And when guys are that into themselves, they can't really be that into you. Hello, red flag.

 Plus, you always want to be the better looking one in the relationship, and I honestly don't know how you can compete with an 8pack.  I work out halfheartedly several times a week and my abs look nothing like that, and probably never will.  Perhaps a boob job. I dunno.

But I wholeheartedly endorse having a little ego-boosting attention from someone with a body like that.
In addition, the perks of going out with Mr. 8pack include being able to casually show future boyfriends pictures like this one, to induce a little less beer and a lot more workouts, you know?

So, there you go, A.  Completely unsolicited dating advice from a stranger. Have fun in Paris!

-W

Goodbye Sam's Club,

My joint household account with Sam's Club has finally expired. I'll miss the bulk popcorn purchases, the obscene amount of dog food in one bag, and the fruit roll-ups.  I mean, let's be honest folks, as most-awesome-girlfriend, I was really the only one using the account to stock up on household supplies.  So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that Sam's Club (the ex) won't need his Sam's Club account anymore.  Thus, my account is not going to be reactivated for this year.  Since he no longer has two girlfriends (Thank You Jesus!), he won't need to buy birthday presents and Christmas presents in bulk anymore.

And all God's people said:

Amen.

-W

Dear DDS,

It's over.  Luckily, you took the hint and didn't make things awkward.

I decided to give you one last chance. I told you I wanted to slow things down and not go on "marathon dates."  Although you were unhappy with that and argued somewhat, you soon figured out that we would either slow down or I was out.  So you agreed to more "day dates" and no more sleepovers.

Which was why I was irritated when you set up our next date for a Friday evening.  I said "what part of no slumber parties did you fail to understand?"  So we agreed to meet halfway.  Unfortunately, there is not much between our respective towns.  There are two small towns, one being slightly bigger than the other.  One is slightly closer to me, the other is slightly closer to you.  The one closer to me is the bigger town, with plenty of "chain restaurants" to choose from.  I suggested the bigger town closer to me, because it has decent restaurants and a movie theatre.

You refused, saying that it was "way too far for you to drive there in back in one night."  It was 30 extra minutes one way for you.  The town you wanted me to drive to, had only fast food restaurants, and was 20 extra minutes one way for me.  You idiot.

Annoyed, but realizing that I had already agreed to this date, I agreed.  You picked a restaurant.  I didn't think the town had that restaurant, but you assured me that you had checked on it.

So on the day of the date, I am about to leave the house (earlier than you, because i have a longer drive).  I log onto the internet to get the address.  You idiot, as I had said, that small town had no decent restaurants.  Just fast food. I sent you a message to that effect.  You argued with me. I told you in no uncertain terms, that I had already looked it up, that it didn't exist and we needed an alternative.  I again suggested that we could meet at the larger town and go somewhere different. You again told me that this "impossible."   I almost told you "eff you" and went to fast food in Raleigh, but I decided this was your FINAL chance.

We select a diner and I arrive there earlier than you. Despite stopping for gas. I was highly annoyed that you had a shorter drive by 20 minutes and still managed to be late. Fail.

We muddled through dinner.  At one point you said "Well, I would NEVER live with someone before I was married." All judgmental like.  Coming from the same guy who showed up at my door for date 4 with a suitcase?!?!?!  I informed you, that due to a series of unfortunate events (perfect storm), I had lived briefly with my ex.  And you wanted the details. Perfect, I'm so glad I drove 1.5 hours, one way, to discuss why and how I came to live in my ex's house and the sordid dirty details of why that didn't work out.  That conversation should have happened over the phone, not on the one date we were going to have that week.  The food was terrible.  The company was terrible.  I knew there would be no future dates, but you didn't seem to think the same way.  You tried to kiss me goodnight in the parking lot of the diner/bowling alley.  I backed away.

Next time, DDS, you might want to consider taking the extra 30 minutes out of your life to meet your date at a decent restaurant.  So that she doesn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to eat interstate diner food.  Just sayin'.

Best,
W

Dear Baltimore,

 We emailed and talked on the phone for a few weeks and then decided to meet. I had never been out in Baltimore so I said well I’ll just come up to Baltimore and we can go out. You first talk about what you have groupons for. You told me what you did, I can guess you don’t need coupons for first dates. 




You are in your 30s… I know this isn’t your first date ever. Since we get along so well, I decide not to care. You decide not to use a coupon on the date. However, you did not decide to not tlak about your ex in great detail and use her name multiple times. You also tell me that you are comparing me to her. Are you seriously telling me this?


-P 

Dear Allstars,

This one is for you.  The ones who do things right on dates.  The ones who impress us.  The ones who get second dates.

Here is what you guys have done correctly:
- made reservations
- showed up on time
- had plans for ice cream, a movie, something, anything, after dinner so that you don't turn to me and ask "so what do you want to do now?"
- wore an outfit that is comfortable, yet stylish
- ironed your clothes
- hint of cologne (emphasis on hint)
- insisted on getting popcorn and drinks at the movie, even though you just had dinner 20 minutes prior
- remained sober throughout the entire date
- brought flowers
- brought candy
- complimented me at least three times - outfit, unique thing about me (eyes, hair, smile), and non-physical such as intelligence, wit, humor
- washed and vacuumed the car prior to the date
- asked for a second date
- sent a thank you text that night
- said when you would call within the next three days, and actually called
- set up the second date for that week
- used valet
- asked the waiter to "bring ME the check" so it isn't awkwardly left sitting in the middle of the table
- ordered a nice bottle of wine
- didn't talk exclusively about yourself, ie - seemed interested in getting to know me
- did not ask for a kiss, either did it, or did not. don't talk about it.
- did not try to take me out "for drinks" after and then try to take me home
- wore grownup shoes - ie - not flip flops or running shoes
- offered to say the blessing before dinner (for southern girls, this is an awwwwwwwwww moment)
- didn't swear
- took you to a nice restaurant for the first date. you want the first date to be impressive and memorable boys.
- thanked me for a nice time


What other things have guys done right on dates that impressed you? There are some guys who read this blog for tips, and they want to hear from us!

-W

Dear Capitol Hill,

We were about 97% compatible according to the website.  I had to cancel our first date because of something crazy at work happening. You were a trooper though and rescheduled. We met near the metro because you said you never drive, you live in DC understandable. We get some drinks and order food, we are sitting outside it’s a nice evening. We are doing the initial chit chat.


 Then I ask what you like most about your job on Capitol Hill. You state with a school boy smile and in a creepy voice, “the summer interns”. You then elaborate on your hill hook ups and how great it is because interns are told not to do they keep it quiet. (And Monica Lewinsky was told to keep it quiet too. ) 


At this point I know there is not going to be a 2^nd date. You reassure me of this when you pick up the check and ask if we could split this.


-P 

Dear Mr. Impotence,

You were cute, super nerdy but also super nice; so I thought.  We went out on a nice date. We met and walked to a cute pizza place. The weather was nice the conversation was good. Then you asked if you could walk me home, sure why not. So we get to the front of my building, there is a bench we sit down and you lean in for a kiss. We kiss.

 You pull back and tell me you have an impotence issue.

WTF.

 I must have had a look on my face because you say to me, well I only give you a 6 anyways.  Who says any of that out loud on a first date? 

-P

Dear 30 Year Old Virgin,

 You were my first date from OKC. We met at a local brewery, you were late (strike 1). I ordered a beer, you ordered water (strike 2). After the orders were taken you stated you were a virgin and asked if this bothered me. I asked if it was for religious purposes, you said no (strike 3). And this was all within 5 mins. I tolerated the rest of the date, you kept getting up every 15 mins to use the bathroom. Seriously do you have that bad of a bladder issue. I quickly drank my beer had my food and stated I had an early day the next day and needed to go to bed. It was 8pm. 

-P

Dear DDS/The Exclusivity Trap,

It has come to my attention that guys are sneaky.  Shock. I know.  But hear me out.  I have recently found myself in a pseudo-relationship that I don't want to be in.

On my last date with DDS, he came to Raleigh.  Fine. Wonderful. But he arrived two hours later than he was supposed to get here. Party foul.  Here's why.  I skipped lunch because we were going to have an early dinner. So I couldn't wait til freaking 9pm to eat.  So I had to hop on over to Wendy's for a cheeseburger and fries before the date. I was not a happy camper.

So anyway, during the date DDS brings up my religious views.  Up until this point, I thought we were pretty much on the same page.  We both go to church every sunday. We both view God as an important part of our lives.  He's Catholic, I'm Southern Baptist, but neither one of us holds denominations as uber important.  So I was shocked when he asked me

"So are you so narrow-minded as to think that the only people going to heaven are Christians?"

Um, DDS, that's kinda the point.  That's the whole basis of Christianity. The Bible is pretty clear that it's Jesus or Hell.  I mean, if  you could get to heaven any other way, then what is the point of Jesus dying on the cross?

So, I'm sitting there.  And for starters, I can't believe he just called me narrow-minded about beliefs he knows are very important to me. You don't name call with people's beliefs. I don't care if they believe in pink elephants, you respect their beliefs. And second, fundamental religious views are dealbreakers, no matter what your religion.

Therefore, later on that night, he spent the night.  Probably because it was 3 hours back home, and he was completely oblivious to my new disdain for him.  So we're sitting in bed, and he says "so I like you a lot. I don't think we should see other people."

In my head I was going "NOOOOOO. don't bring this up now!!!" But I said nothing.  So that got things really awkward really fast.  So DDS started backtracking and saying things "well we don't have to be dating dating, just dating."  WTF?

So I halfheartedly agreed.  Why?  Because he had just pulled the exclusivity trap.  This is a method employed by guys the world over to trap girls into relationships. In my unscientific poll of friends, 3 out of 3 of us had started our relationships in exactly this manner. (Sam's club had pulled the same card too!)

Situation:
- Both in bed.  So there is a slumber party happening.  You don't even have to be fooling around.  You are probably just wanting to fall asleep when he brings up the relationship talk.
- The relationship talk usually consists of a "what are we?" followed by an "i want to be exclusive" discussion.
- At this point the girl has two options.  Agree and be trapped into a relationship.  Or Disagree and 1. feel like a whore because she is spending the night with someone she doesn't even want to date or 2. make things really awkward for the next eight hours.

It's like the ultimate ninja-mind trap.  And the reverse doesn't happen because girls rarely bring up the relationship talk.  And because if they tried the in-the-bed discussion, it wouldn't really work because guys are missing the "i feel like a whore today" gene.

Sigh. So there, I've warned you.  Beware of having slumber parties with anyone you don't actually want to date.  Because they might trap you and you might have to spend a week figuring out how to breakup with someone you didn't want to date in the first place.

-W

Dear Handicapped,

You ruined the date before we got started. How?  We drove up to the restaurant.  You whipped out your grandmother's handicapped parking tag and placed it on the rear view mirror and pulled right into the handicapped space.

You are able-bodied.  You didn't act like it was weird. You acted like it was totally normal to use someone else's handicapped sign. On a first date.

Next time you have a girl accept a date with you, spring for valet and give the handicapped sign back to your grandmother.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do with you.

-X

Dear Lenny the Lame

You requested email conversation immediately on eharmony.  I said why not.  Your emails couldn't be less boring.

"How was your weekend. I hung out with friends."

Seriously, dude, take a creative writing class or something.

But maybe you were shy, so I tried to pull some conversation out of you.

Your profile said you were an "office manager,"  so I asked you what field.  You said actually you were studying ophthalmology.  Great I asked.  Where at?  You said "Wake Tech."

Wake Tech is a community college. Not a medical school. Not sure what you were studying there, but it certainly wasn't ophthalmology.  And I was not amused with your deceitfulness that
1. you had a job
and 2. you had any ambition.

A, my friend, put it best when she said, you wouldn't have even gone out with someone like him in high school. So why would you go out with him now.

Good point, A. I didn't.

-W

Dear Sunday School Setup,

Your mother, bless her heart, was my Sunday School teacher while I was in law school.  You were 30. I was 22.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

You lived at home with her, while I lived alone. She still thought we'd be a good match.

You dropped out of college and worked in a local bar. Read: townie.  I was in a top tier law school.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I wear pearls and sundresses.  You wear all black. She still thought we'd be a good match.

I had just stopped seeing Mudcat.  You were probably his weight, but a full foot shorter than he was.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I politely declined her repeated requests for us to meet.  Low and behold, the last day of finals my 1L year came around.  We pregamed at a friend's house and then headed to the two bars Williamsburg had.  There was a crazy wait outside of the one we wanted to go to. So two friends and I went to the other bar to have some drinks while we waited for the line to die down.

We proceeded to have several shots.  I proceeded to tell them about how my Sunday School teacher was trying to set me up with a complete loser and how it would never happen. Etc.  Not my finest moment, I know.

Flash forward to church on Sunday.  You showed up at church with your mom. She introduced us.  I realized that you were the bartender the night I was telling my friends about you.  I'm sure you heard every word.

Sorry. Or Sorry for Partying. Either way, we wouldn't be a good match.

-W

Dear H and My First Blogging Interview,

Greetings loyal readers.  I hope y'all had a wonderful workday and are enjoying the last few days of summer.

Two things today:

1. H, one of our favorite guest writers, had a story about one of her dates in the September issue of Glamour!  Kudos for her discussing this new phenomenon of unreasonable expectations from guys on dates.  She's famous!  I want to know what you think about this.  Have any of your dates ever tried this move on you (probably not this direct, but maybe)?  Did you fall for it?  If he asked, but was the hottest guy on the planet, would it be a dealbreaker?

2. I was interviewed by R, one of my best college buddies, for her hilarious blog upperbottom.com.  So check that out here.  And, she has agreed to write us a guest blog on how her now husband managed to recover from what apparently was a less-than-stellar first date.  Can't wait to hear about that!

Enjoy!

-W

Dear Sex Sting,

You asked me out in a bar.  Normal.  That happens.  I wasn't interested, but out of curiosity I googled you later on.

Here is what I found:

http://www.todaysthv.com/news/story.aspx?storyid=34689


Yep, that's you.  Mr. Sex Sting Arrestee.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you always google your dates before you go out them.

-A