Dear daters,

About a million and a half people are posting this link, lately.  So, I thought I would too.  It's about dating people you know are wrong for you, and stopping doing that, and trusting God with your dating life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs&feature=share

Other updates:
The Vampire story was not about me.  I've asked the girl who sent it in for a more detailed post soon.

I've been so quiet about dating because one of the guys I was dating for a while was awesome, but old, and wealthy.  So while it would make a great blogging story, I can't really discuss it for privacy reasons. (Read: you'd figure out who I was talking about)

I will be updating some blogs about dates with Nerd Conference (the guy I met in Vegas).  He's come out twice to visit me now.  And he still has that hot British Accent. Huzzah for being told you're hot with an accent. ;)

-W

Dear Vampire,

Dear Mr. Vampire:

You clearly suck.  I hate you.  This was one of the worst social experiences of my life.  It was cool for you to kiss me but not cool for you to bite me and leave marks.

Signed:  Has a sharp stake and garlic.

 actual photographs of this incident... 

Dear Mr. Gym Class Hero,

Dear Mr. Gym Teacher,

I picked you out of the crowd at the bar, because you were tragically dressed in a navy v-neck sweater that your mom probably bought for you.   You looked like you were a nice guy; and I thought you could be a project that I could fix up.  So I grabbed your hand and pulled you to the dance floor.  Let’s just accept the fact that you wanted me, because after a few drinks my confidence borders on hubris.   [Example: I was told by several men that night that I was hot.  To which I responded "I know."] 

Then Mr. Gym Teacher, I'm not sure how we got to talking, or what we were talking about, because let’s face it, i was 2 or 3 sheets to the wind.   I know that I asked you what you did and how old you were.   You were a 24 year old gym teacher, and very proud of it.   This is cute, if you are a nice guy.  But eventually you made a comment, which basically stated that I WAS going to go home with you that night.   So of course, I wanted to make it perfectly clear to you that you were not getting inside of this pair of designer denim tonight or at any point.  So, without hesitation I point around the bar and said "There are plenty of other girls at this bar you can go talk to."  Frankly dude, did you really think being a gym teacher is going to get you laid?   Has this worked for you in the past?  Clearly you don't know me; because even if you were a doctor this strategy would not have worked.   As if you hadn't already made enough of an ass out of yourself then you said "I don't date".   Again dude, know your audience.   That night, the last thing I was looking for was a date.   After a serious relationship, the scariest thing is going out on a first date with someone new.  So I certainly wasn't interested in dating anyone; much less an arrogant gym teacher.  In fact, at the bar I had been at 10 min earlier, I ditched a guy because he wanted to take me out on a date the next day; but that's a whole other story.  My point is: I was just looking to dance, have fun, and not worry about dating or going home with anyone that night.   Clearly, you misunderstood.   Later in the night, as I'm giving out my phone number to a different guy at the bar at 1:57am, I glance over to you, and see that you are alone.   Why so sad Mr. Gym Teacher?  You should probably work on your pick up lines.  I'm guessing "I'm a gym teacher, wanna bone?", doesn’t work.  Best of luck in the future. 

xoxo,

M

Dear Matt the Poker,

I just got poked on facebook. Really? I don't think that has happened to me since roughly 2005.  Wow.

But big blog posts headed your way?

So, loyal readers! Get pumped up and happy weekend and GO WOLFPACK!!!
w

Dear Hamilton,

This weekend, A and I went out to the bars with some other girls.  We were drunk and ridiculous (what else is new) and giving out fake names.  Like we do, when we aren't really interested, but we still want to flirt.

So, A strikes up a drunken convo with three guys at a table (dudes reading this blog, if you have empty seats near you, girls will appear. it's not you, our heels are killing us).  We introduce ourselves with fake names as always.  Guys one and two say hello. Not guy three.

Guy three goes "W is not your name!  You went to the College of Management.  You were in ______ club and ______ club with me."

Busted.  Can I point out that college was forever ago, because his name did ring somewhat familiar, but I in no way would have remembered it over 5 years later.

Does stuff like this happen to anyone else?  Or just me?

Sigh,
W

Dear Vegas,

I give in.  Three nights is all I can handle before I lose my ability to think and speak in complete sentences.  Seriously, by the last day in Vegas, I felt like I was wandering around in circles.

We slept in that day, and basically hung out in our fabulous room. MG2 and A3 spent the day shopping, so that was wonderful.

That night, we went to Coyote Ugly's for happy hour.  There, A1 and A2 got involved in a flip cup competition. MG2 and I hung back.  But the other girls on their team SUCKED.  Who sucks at flip cup?  Seriously.  It was there that I paid 8 bucks for two drinks. The first and last money I spent on alcohol in Vegas (except for the pint of rum I used to pregame with).  Under ten bucks for five days. Not bad, not bad at all.  I was super nice to MG2 on this little excursion despite her once again being completely obnoxious with the eye rolling.

When we got back to the hotel, the other girls were going to see Peepshow with Holly Madison from the Girls Next Door.  While, I'm a fan, I'm not a fan of paying a lot of money to see boobs. I have my own.  I can see them every single day for free.

Once they got back from the show, MG2 thankfully went to bed like the Debbie Downer she is.  A1, A2 and I left for the clubs.  I had somehow deleted the text that had us on the list for PURE (did I mention how hungover I was at this point) so we went to JET where A2 had us on the list.  It was a little ghetto for my taste, we had to wait in line, and we couldn't get a bartender's attention.  The final straw was going to the bathroom and seeing the floor littered with cocaine.  Not my scene, y'all.

So we ditched the club and went to the Casino.  A2 wanted to gamble some, while A1 and I scoped out the talent.  The talent was lacking, but we did spot a cute guy next to TWO empty chairs at penny slots. Winning!  And then A2 walks over and says "Hey Trey" and he says "Hey A2".  And that's how you know its time to leave Vegas.

When you are about to hit on a guy who lives in your hometown.  Who works everyday with one of your best friends.  Who would totally ruin the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mantra.

So, we just went home and went to bed.  And spent the next morning trying not to puke on our flights home.

-W

Dear Ahoy,

So the next day, I fully expected an apology from MG2.  She apologized to A1.  But the rest of us, she said not a word to.  Not even me, the person she was talking shit about all night, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

But here is how I felt better about myself.  While she was apologizing to A1, she was wearing her Mom swimsuit that was about the most unflattering cut I have ever seen on anyone.  Seriously it was all wrong on the bottom.  And I was in my bikini, letting my ab outline do the "fuck you" talking for me.  Winning, no?

So anyway, A1 and I hang out for the day, and the other girls split off into twosomes.  A1 and I, in our struggles to find the hotel pool, managed to get us on every VIP list in Las Vegas.  Sorry for Partying and Being Pretty.  Seriously, how we pulled that off when we looked hungover as hell, I'll never know. But I'm not complaining. I think A2 and L got on some guest lists too, but the ones A1 and I signed us up for had better drink specials, so that determined our destiny.

So, A1 and I decide to nurse our hangovers at the Cesar's Palace pool before we switched to our new hotel, Planet Hollywood Westgate.  Sloppy and Poundtown ask to join us, and we let them, because we needed the entertainment.  Best part: Sloppy and Poundtown asked to make sure MG2 wasn't with us, because they hated her guts.  She apparently hit on them a little too hard and didn't get a hint.  Plus, she was mean to them. Understandable.

So, late afternoon, A1 and I leave to go switch our hotels.  Our new suite at Westgate Towers was AMAZING. It was seriously like being on MTV's Real World, as you can see.

Well, MG2 was still being a bitch, and A1 wanted to go hang out with Sloppy some more, so I went along to chaperone, since A1 has a boyfriend.  We joined the boys at the Monte Carlo pool.  There in the most coordinated dude move ever, they did a divide and conquer and A1 split with Sloppy for the Lazy River. And then we switched.  So I was wingman with Poundtown.  He was hilarious.  From Texas. A twin.  It started to sound really familiar (hello Summer 2006 in Madrid with Frick/Frack/Micky/Minnie/Porter/VanDyke).

So Poundtown and I are hitting it off and we get back from the lazy river and Poundtown is all "let's go get some steak."  But A1 has just told Sloppy she has a boyfriend so they walk us back to our hotel, trying to devise a way to get out of dinner.  A1, you owe me a freakin steak.

So we get up to our room, and the other girls are hanging out in the HOT TUB IN OUR BEDROOM. Awesome. So A1 and I join in. MG2 immediately gets out, but not before rolling her eyes and sighing a lot. STFU MG2. I was just ignoring her at this point.  So we all got ready to go out, and we ended up going to Tryst.

On a Friday night, we had VIP from earlier in the day, so we didn't have to wait in the LONG ASS line, we got comped a round of drinks ($20 bucks each) and we didn't have to pay the cover (I heard it was $30, but that seems crazy).  Anyway, Tryst was awesome. Had a giant waterfall, great dance floor, etc.  The drinks were pricey, but I'm a girl so that doesn't really affect me.  So we're all dancing and having a good time. But not MG2.

A1 and A2's booty shaking soon leads a group of guys over to us.  Navy Boys. Ahoy.  So my navy guy eventually decides he wants to spend money on me like he is a sailor on leave, and I felt it was my patriotic duty to let him.  So he gets us a round of Patron shots, to the tune of $30 each.  Plus two Belevedere and pineapple drinks for me and him.  I am handing out the shots and as I hand one to MG2 she looks at me in disgust and goes "I don't do patron." Right in front of Navy.

Rude.

A2, seeing my blood boil at this hateful bitch not only being rude to me, but now to strangers who are generously buying her drinks, forced MG2 to take the shot.  But, MG2 then made another snotty comment right in front of Navy that "Why didn't he buy us all a mixed drink?"

Wtf.  You can't have it both ways MG2.  You can either be nice and social and say thank you like a decent human being.  Or you can call me a slut for getting free drinks, but if you take this route, then at least put your money where your mouth is.  Sit your fat ass in line for a few hours, pay a ridiculous cover and buy yourself all your drinks.  Otherwise, STFU.  Nobody wants to hear your nonsense.

So, Navy and I leave her ungrateful ass and go back to the dance floor.  We have a great time.  The highlight was the gay Indian guy (different from the first night) that fell in love with A2 had a danceoff with Navy. Best danceoff EVER.  Seriously, it made my night.

So, I'm having fun on the dance floor, when A2 comes up and asks me why I want to leave. Huh? I don't want to leave, I'm having fun.  Apparently, MG2 had told A2 that A1 and I had told her (MG2) that we were ready to leave. A2, thought this was weird and confirmed that neither A1 nor I had ever said anything of the sort.  In fact, we hadn't seen MG2 since we left the bar area.  Yup, turns out MG2 was just trying to get everyone to go home because she was not having fun.

You have as much fun as you make, MG2.  So A1 and A2 and I hung out with our Navy boys for a while longer. Navy turned out to be a TERRIBLE kisser, so when our feet started hurting, we headed back to the hotel. But I was FURIOUS at MG2's rude behavior.

SFP and BP, MG2.

-W

Dear Mean Girl (Part 2)

Tonight you really showed your true colors.  I didn't hang out with you all day. I was hanging out with A2 and L. We were supposed to meet up for happy hour at this really great restaurant that I adore.  You and A1 decided to go to a sushi restaurant happy hour instead. I don't eat sushi, so we said we would join you guys after we ate.

By the time we finish up eating, you and A1 are wasted. Loud and obnoxious wasted.  But we join you at the bar to chitchat before it was time to get ready.  A2 and L are seated next to two rather goodlooking guys, Sloppy and Poundtown.  They started a friendly banter.  After a bit, A2, L and I head upstairs to get ready.  You and A2 stay down at the restaurant with the boys to get your flirt on.  Unfortunately for you, you have put on a lot of weight, but your bitchy attitude has remained in place.

You called the boys assholes and douchebags to their face.  While trying to sit in their lap.  In a bar stool.  Seriously, did you expect that to go over well.  Nevertheless, Sloppy got A2's number and texted her that he needed to go upstairs to our room to charge his phone. A2 said no.  Why?  Because we had 6 girls in various stages of undress and 4 of the 6, including you had boyfriends. That's when the shit hit the fan.

A2 and I were in our room, across the hall and two doors down when we hear YELLING.  You are bitching A1 out because she didn't agree to let the boys in the room.  Her theory being that Sloppy and Poundtown could meet A3, who wasn't even at the restaurant.  And I hate to be mean, but I doubt they would have even been interested, if you know what I mean.

So I come over to your room and Holy Moley, I walk in and find you screaming at A1 about how much she has changed into a slut because of my bad influence.  Seriously.  You proceeded to continue to talk shit about me.  While I was standing right there.  Why am I a slut?  Because I accept free drinks from guys at bars.  Seriously, that's it.

But I decided to take the high road and not get into it with you, because you were being ridiculous and not making any sense.  And arguing with drunk people when I could be out and about enjoying my vacation, didn't seem like the smartest idea.

Meanwhile, I had been texting back and forth with Nerd Conference throughout the day, so I was ready to go out and flirt.  So we finally left your crying, pouting, tail in the room and went to the Palms.  We went to the Playboy Club and then to Moon.  Moon has a crazy nice balcony area overlooking the strip.  It was awesome.

Nerd Conference and friends met us out again. The rest of the girls went back to the hotel room, but since I had about zero desire to go back on the off chance that you were still up, I stayed out with the guys.  We drank and talked at the Bellagio and then I went to Nerd Conference's kick ass room at the Palazzo.  It had an amazing view.  I had definite room envy.

We made out for a few and then I got a cab back to our hotel.  I thought that maybe you would get your shit together the next day and the bitchiness was just you being drunk and obnoxious.

I was proved wrong.

-W

Dear Nerd Conference,

I arrived in Vegas ready to party.  Except it was a Wednesday night.  A and I asked the bell hop where to go out that night.  We were told Lavo at the Bellagio would be our best bet.  Fine great.  Off we went.

I tried to be classy. I really did. I wore my high school graduation dress (cheers for me fitting into it over ten years later.)  I wore drunk pearls (fakes, because I've lost way too much nice jewelry to drunken nights).

The players, A1, A2, A3, MG2 (mean girl 2) and myself. A3 & MG1 took a cab to the Bellagio.  They said they weren't going to walk that far. We were at Cesar's. It wasn't that far, folks.  But A1 and A2 and I decided to walk the Strip and people watch.  So we did.

We get a call as we are approaching the Bellagio that Lavo had a ten dollar cover. Do what?  I am a girl. I am with a group of girls. I do not pay cover.  No, thank you.  So I suggested we go somewhere else, but A3 and MG2 had already paid the cover so we went to see what the deal was.  We get to Lavo and sure enough there is a line and cover. Two things I don't approve of.  So I go talk to the paramedic and get my blisters bandaged up (long walk in heels turned out to be a bad idea).  While I'm dealing with that, A1 goes up to the bouncer and says we have three girls, so do we have to pay cover to go to the bar section?  He looks at us, and waves us in.  Perfect.

We walk in and there sitting in the corner are A3 and MG2.  They had apparently not only paid the cover but also bought $20 drinks as well.  Things no girl should ever do.  Did I mention we were like the ONLY girls in this bar?  We were about to find out why.

So, the DJ puts on this new song that I love in Zumba.  So A1 and I go out and create our own dance floor in the bar.  Within 30 seconds of this, we were surrounded by men and drinks were being bought for us.

The main characters that night were Nerd Conference, Mo, Banjo, Married, and Ibby.  Ahhh.  So turns out they were all there for some computer conference.  Which I quickly dubbed the Nerd Conference.  And then I collected their badges.  I think at one point I had five or six.  I looked like a girl after Mardi Gras with all these things around my neck. Good times.

So for whatever reason, I set my sights on Nerd Conference.  He is a Brit, but currently lives in Austin. Except, Drunk W cannot ever hear accents.  So that particular hotness was lost on me.  A2 is tired and not nearly as drunk as A1 and I.  So she is the only one who notices when A3 and MG2 peace out.  We stay until closing and then move from LAVO to the bar in the casino.  Where more drinks were to be had.  And more nerds were to be met.  Here, A2 was annoyed by Banjo (he's like 50 years old wearing a tshirt with "paddle faster, i hear banjos" on it. I shit you not.

So he gives A2 money to gamble with, and shows her his license so that she can be "ok with the 22 year age gap." Sure, buddy, sure.

After a while, we are tired, and hungry and it is morning on the east coast.  So we head back down the strip to our hotel room.  Nerd Conference and I are making out along the way.  He's carrying my shoes and my purse, which was perfect because I decided to do a cartwheel on my way out of the Bellagio.  A1 followed my lead. A2 rolled her eyes.

We get to McDonalds.  They are no longer serving dinner, but have switched to breakfast.  And their internet is down so no credit cards are taken.  Between the 8 adults in our group, we have nine dollars to feed everyone. We get two egg mcmuffins and Ibby orders oatmeal. Nasty.

While eating, I threw the ham from the mcmuffin at A1. It smacked her in the chest. She threw it back at me. A2 had had enough.  Ibby had told us he was gay at some point in the night, but A2 didn't know that. So he was hitting on her hardcore much to our amusement and A2's ire.  It was great.  He also proposed to her. Awesome.

After the food fight, A2 made us leave. We meandered the rest of the way down the strip.  Ibby and I have a heart to heart along the way discussing his love for a girl (despite his being gay... weird, i know). He even recited poetry to me.

We get back to our hotel at 5am.  Roughly 8am back home. Sigh.  The nerd conference boys tried to go up to our rooms. A2 stiff armed them at the elevator. Also hilarious. I kissed Nerd Conference goodbye and he slipped me his card.

Then the girls went to bed while the nerd conference crew headed back to shower before their 7am speech by Mo. Lol. Hilarious. Loved it.  Completely random night full of laughter.

I heart vegas.
-W

Dear Mean Girls (Part 1),

So apparently August was National Be Mean to W month.  I didn't get the memo until too late.  And I've been traveling, had a hurricane hit, etc so I haven't posted much lately.  But don't you worry. Vegas stories are coming your way.

But first, Mean Girl 1. (MG1)  MG1 and I go way back.  Like high school way back.  We were friends in high school. I've been to her house, she's been to mine. I assumed we were still friends, or at the very least on friendly terms.  When I moved away for college and life, she stayed in my hometown.  The last bit of gossip that I heard about her was that she was sleeping with all these dudes at her college (the local university) and that she had been locked up for being bat-shit crazy.  I have no way of knowing if either of these are true, but when you read the rest of the story, you'll come to the same conclusion as I have: If it looks like a duck...  (Plus there was a story in high school that her dad went bat-shit crazy one day and came home and cut up the entire family's clothes and peaced out, causing MG1's mother to go crazy.  I can confirm that MG1's mother was slightly off her rocker.  She made us stand in the cold one night and refused to let us in her house.  Another time she freaked out because we were driving in the rain. Crazy.)


Ok so fast forward to law school or post-law school. I forget which. One of my best friends from college, Seth, starts dating MG1. Full disclosure - Seth and I made out a few times when we first met, but there has been nothing there ever since (nearly ten years). We had grown apart, but still talk and meet up occasionally.  So last year, on Seth's birthday he posts something on facebook about having to make his own birthday cake. I commented on how sad that was (Seth made me birthday cakes in college. the funfetti kind. awesome friend) and thought nothing more of it.  Seth later replied that MG1 had given him a birthday cupcake for his birthday.  So jokingly, I commented back like "a cupcake? you know those things are sold by the dozen."  I thought that was pretty funny.

Holy shitballs.  MG1 lost her ever loving shit. I get a facebook message from her (we're not even friends, she blocked me, which I didn't know until this incident, because you know, I have a life).  Anyway the title of the message was "Fuck You Wendy."  Classy.  The body of the message was basically how dare I make a comment about cupcakes and that I was still the mean girl I was in high school.

Seriously.  Signs you are crazy #34534: you flip your shit over a harmless facebook message.

I forwarded the message to Seth and requested he gain control over MG1.  But I didn't respond to her, because I had nothing to say, and you can't reason with crazy.

So, fast forward to this year.  Seth's old roommate was getting married.  Seth's roommate is a nice guy and we are still friends.  So I was invited to the wedding. Sadly, because Seth was a groomsman, MG1 had to be invited as well.  We were all hopeful she could keep her shit together for a few hours, but the groom seated us at separate tables just to be on the safe side.

We make it through the ceremony just fine.  Then there was an hour to kill while the wedding party took pictures.  So we went to the hotel bar to catch up.  I hadn't seen a lot of these guys since they graduated and most of us went to high school together as well.  So we're all sitting around a big table, having a few drinks. Joking, laughing, having fun.  MG1 thinks now would be an appropriate time to have 4 cocktails. When you have trouble with looking crazy sober, its probably not a good idea to get wasted BEFORE THE RECEPTION.

So all of a sudden, I hear MG1 talking shit about me. Loudly. Did I mention we are seated AT THE SAME TABLE?  Seriously. No class, but once again, I am there to have fun. And under no circumstances am I going to cause a scene at my friends wedding.

We move to the reception, where it is clear she is wasted. I heard she gave some god-awful awkward toasts at her table.  I saw her BEHIND the bar, whispering to the bartender.  Apparently the reception staff had their eye on her the entire evening.  I have been drunk at this hotel site on many occasions. Never have a seen a show quite like her.

So during dinner, MG1 comes to talk to every girl at my table.  And tries to get them to go to the bathroom with her.  They awkwardly did.  The girl nearest me comes back and tells me that the purpose of this bathroom excursion was to continue to talk shit about me.  MG1 has never met many of these girls before in her life.  So now she has made an ass out of herself to my table.  Good job, MG1.  Way to keep a low profile.

Later on in the evening, Seth, his old roommates and I are all standing around talking. One of the roommates tells Seth he can take his bowtie off now that pictures are. So Seth takes it off and somehow it gets handed to me. I put it on my head like a hairbow. just goofing off.  MG1 comes STORMING over to us.  Pushes Seth and starts yelling at him with a finger pointed in his face.  It was so awkward. Everyone felt sorry for Seth, but not wanting to deal with it, we all scattered to the dance floor.

Seth apparently sends her upstairs.  But not before she manages to proposition the photographer to take boudoir pictures of her up in their hotel room. Nope, not slutty at all.

So with MG1 gone, Seth has no one to dance with so I fill in.  I'm sure there is going to be hell to pay when she sees the wedding pictures of Seth and I dancing the last dance together.  But I danced with a lot of my old guy friends that night, so it wasn't a big deal.  But to crazy people, its probably a huge deal.

After the wedding was over, the wedding young folk headed over to a local bar.  While at said bar, a pony carriage drove by.  I shouted PONY and Seth and I bolted from the bar to take a carriage ride down the streets of Durham.  It was fun, but scary.  Especially when the horse weaved into oncoming traffic.

Moral of the story, MG1?  If you don't act like a drunken crazy slut at a wedding reception, perhaps you will get to take a carriage ride with your boyfriend.  But here's hoping that Seth dumps your crazy ass before the next wedding. Cheers!

-W

Dear A,

Thanks for the DLND love!  Don't you just love guys thinking that a few $10 cocktails will do the trick?  Sorry, players, but you start talking conspiracy theories on the first date, and the chastity belt will remain tightly fastened!  If you have any other dating disasters, please send them my way to post!  I loved that story. I especially love that he felt the need to "breakup" after one date.  Holy nutjob.

Now, let's discuss one of the more recent men in your life: Mr.8pack.  Mr. 8pack, I can see, obviously why you like him so.  I mean, he's got that V going on, and abs are nice to look at.  But, he's only going to be a fling.  How do I know?  Because he is more high maintenance than any girl I know.  And when guys are that into themselves, they can't really be that into you. Hello, red flag.

 Plus, you always want to be the better looking one in the relationship, and I honestly don't know how you can compete with an 8pack.  I work out halfheartedly several times a week and my abs look nothing like that, and probably never will.  Perhaps a boob job. I dunno.

But I wholeheartedly endorse having a little ego-boosting attention from someone with a body like that.
In addition, the perks of going out with Mr. 8pack include being able to casually show future boyfriends pictures like this one, to induce a little less beer and a lot more workouts, you know?

So, there you go, A.  Completely unsolicited dating advice from a stranger. Have fun in Paris!

-W

Goodbye Sam's Club,

My joint household account with Sam's Club has finally expired. I'll miss the bulk popcorn purchases, the obscene amount of dog food in one bag, and the fruit roll-ups.  I mean, let's be honest folks, as most-awesome-girlfriend, I was really the only one using the account to stock up on household supplies.  So I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that Sam's Club (the ex) won't need his Sam's Club account anymore.  Thus, my account is not going to be reactivated for this year.  Since he no longer has two girlfriends (Thank You Jesus!), he won't need to buy birthday presents and Christmas presents in bulk anymore.

And all God's people said:

Amen.

-W

Dear DDS,

It's over.  Luckily, you took the hint and didn't make things awkward.

I decided to give you one last chance. I told you I wanted to slow things down and not go on "marathon dates."  Although you were unhappy with that and argued somewhat, you soon figured out that we would either slow down or I was out.  So you agreed to more "day dates" and no more sleepovers.

Which was why I was irritated when you set up our next date for a Friday evening.  I said "what part of no slumber parties did you fail to understand?"  So we agreed to meet halfway.  Unfortunately, there is not much between our respective towns.  There are two small towns, one being slightly bigger than the other.  One is slightly closer to me, the other is slightly closer to you.  The one closer to me is the bigger town, with plenty of "chain restaurants" to choose from.  I suggested the bigger town closer to me, because it has decent restaurants and a movie theatre.

You refused, saying that it was "way too far for you to drive there in back in one night."  It was 30 extra minutes one way for you.  The town you wanted me to drive to, had only fast food restaurants, and was 20 extra minutes one way for me.  You idiot.

Annoyed, but realizing that I had already agreed to this date, I agreed.  You picked a restaurant.  I didn't think the town had that restaurant, but you assured me that you had checked on it.

So on the day of the date, I am about to leave the house (earlier than you, because i have a longer drive).  I log onto the internet to get the address.  You idiot, as I had said, that small town had no decent restaurants.  Just fast food. I sent you a message to that effect.  You argued with me. I told you in no uncertain terms, that I had already looked it up, that it didn't exist and we needed an alternative.  I again suggested that we could meet at the larger town and go somewhere different. You again told me that this "impossible."   I almost told you "eff you" and went to fast food in Raleigh, but I decided this was your FINAL chance.

We select a diner and I arrive there earlier than you. Despite stopping for gas. I was highly annoyed that you had a shorter drive by 20 minutes and still managed to be late. Fail.

We muddled through dinner.  At one point you said "Well, I would NEVER live with someone before I was married." All judgmental like.  Coming from the same guy who showed up at my door for date 4 with a suitcase?!?!?!  I informed you, that due to a series of unfortunate events (perfect storm), I had lived briefly with my ex.  And you wanted the details. Perfect, I'm so glad I drove 1.5 hours, one way, to discuss why and how I came to live in my ex's house and the sordid dirty details of why that didn't work out.  That conversation should have happened over the phone, not on the one date we were going to have that week.  The food was terrible.  The company was terrible.  I knew there would be no future dates, but you didn't seem to think the same way.  You tried to kiss me goodnight in the parking lot of the diner/bowling alley.  I backed away.

Next time, DDS, you might want to consider taking the extra 30 minutes out of your life to meet your date at a decent restaurant.  So that she doesn't have to drive an extra 40 minutes to eat interstate diner food.  Just sayin'.

Best,
W

Dear Baltimore,

 We emailed and talked on the phone for a few weeks and then decided to meet. I had never been out in Baltimore so I said well I’ll just come up to Baltimore and we can go out. You first talk about what you have groupons for. You told me what you did, I can guess you don’t need coupons for first dates. 




You are in your 30s… I know this isn’t your first date ever. Since we get along so well, I decide not to care. You decide not to use a coupon on the date. However, you did not decide to not tlak about your ex in great detail and use her name multiple times. You also tell me that you are comparing me to her. Are you seriously telling me this?


-P 

Dear Allstars,

This one is for you.  The ones who do things right on dates.  The ones who impress us.  The ones who get second dates.

Here is what you guys have done correctly:
- made reservations
- showed up on time
- had plans for ice cream, a movie, something, anything, after dinner so that you don't turn to me and ask "so what do you want to do now?"
- wore an outfit that is comfortable, yet stylish
- ironed your clothes
- hint of cologne (emphasis on hint)
- insisted on getting popcorn and drinks at the movie, even though you just had dinner 20 minutes prior
- remained sober throughout the entire date
- brought flowers
- brought candy
- complimented me at least three times - outfit, unique thing about me (eyes, hair, smile), and non-physical such as intelligence, wit, humor
- washed and vacuumed the car prior to the date
- asked for a second date
- sent a thank you text that night
- said when you would call within the next three days, and actually called
- set up the second date for that week
- used valet
- asked the waiter to "bring ME the check" so it isn't awkwardly left sitting in the middle of the table
- ordered a nice bottle of wine
- didn't talk exclusively about yourself, ie - seemed interested in getting to know me
- did not ask for a kiss, either did it, or did not. don't talk about it.
- did not try to take me out "for drinks" after and then try to take me home
- wore grownup shoes - ie - not flip flops or running shoes
- offered to say the blessing before dinner (for southern girls, this is an awwwwwwwwww moment)
- didn't swear
- took you to a nice restaurant for the first date. you want the first date to be impressive and memorable boys.
- thanked me for a nice time


What other things have guys done right on dates that impressed you? There are some guys who read this blog for tips, and they want to hear from us!

-W

Dear Capitol Hill,

We were about 97% compatible according to the website.  I had to cancel our first date because of something crazy at work happening. You were a trooper though and rescheduled. We met near the metro because you said you never drive, you live in DC understandable. We get some drinks and order food, we are sitting outside it’s a nice evening. We are doing the initial chit chat.


 Then I ask what you like most about your job on Capitol Hill. You state with a school boy smile and in a creepy voice, “the summer interns”. You then elaborate on your hill hook ups and how great it is because interns are told not to do they keep it quiet. (And Monica Lewinsky was told to keep it quiet too. ) 


At this point I know there is not going to be a 2^nd date. You reassure me of this when you pick up the check and ask if we could split this.


-P 

Dear Mr. Impotence,

You were cute, super nerdy but also super nice; so I thought.  We went out on a nice date. We met and walked to a cute pizza place. The weather was nice the conversation was good. Then you asked if you could walk me home, sure why not. So we get to the front of my building, there is a bench we sit down and you lean in for a kiss. We kiss.

 You pull back and tell me you have an impotence issue.

WTF.

 I must have had a look on my face because you say to me, well I only give you a 6 anyways.  Who says any of that out loud on a first date? 

-P

Dear 30 Year Old Virgin,

 You were my first date from OKC. We met at a local brewery, you were late (strike 1). I ordered a beer, you ordered water (strike 2). After the orders were taken you stated you were a virgin and asked if this bothered me. I asked if it was for religious purposes, you said no (strike 3). And this was all within 5 mins. I tolerated the rest of the date, you kept getting up every 15 mins to use the bathroom. Seriously do you have that bad of a bladder issue. I quickly drank my beer had my food and stated I had an early day the next day and needed to go to bed. It was 8pm. 

-P

Dear DDS/The Exclusivity Trap,

It has come to my attention that guys are sneaky.  Shock. I know.  But hear me out.  I have recently found myself in a pseudo-relationship that I don't want to be in.

On my last date with DDS, he came to Raleigh.  Fine. Wonderful. But he arrived two hours later than he was supposed to get here. Party foul.  Here's why.  I skipped lunch because we were going to have an early dinner. So I couldn't wait til freaking 9pm to eat.  So I had to hop on over to Wendy's for a cheeseburger and fries before the date. I was not a happy camper.

So anyway, during the date DDS brings up my religious views.  Up until this point, I thought we were pretty much on the same page.  We both go to church every sunday. We both view God as an important part of our lives.  He's Catholic, I'm Southern Baptist, but neither one of us holds denominations as uber important.  So I was shocked when he asked me

"So are you so narrow-minded as to think that the only people going to heaven are Christians?"

Um, DDS, that's kinda the point.  That's the whole basis of Christianity. The Bible is pretty clear that it's Jesus or Hell.  I mean, if  you could get to heaven any other way, then what is the point of Jesus dying on the cross?

So, I'm sitting there.  And for starters, I can't believe he just called me narrow-minded about beliefs he knows are very important to me. You don't name call with people's beliefs. I don't care if they believe in pink elephants, you respect their beliefs. And second, fundamental religious views are dealbreakers, no matter what your religion.

Therefore, later on that night, he spent the night.  Probably because it was 3 hours back home, and he was completely oblivious to my new disdain for him.  So we're sitting in bed, and he says "so I like you a lot. I don't think we should see other people."

In my head I was going "NOOOOOO. don't bring this up now!!!" But I said nothing.  So that got things really awkward really fast.  So DDS started backtracking and saying things "well we don't have to be dating dating, just dating."  WTF?

So I halfheartedly agreed.  Why?  Because he had just pulled the exclusivity trap.  This is a method employed by guys the world over to trap girls into relationships. In my unscientific poll of friends, 3 out of 3 of us had started our relationships in exactly this manner. (Sam's club had pulled the same card too!)

Situation:
- Both in bed.  So there is a slumber party happening.  You don't even have to be fooling around.  You are probably just wanting to fall asleep when he brings up the relationship talk.
- The relationship talk usually consists of a "what are we?" followed by an "i want to be exclusive" discussion.
- At this point the girl has two options.  Agree and be trapped into a relationship.  Or Disagree and 1. feel like a whore because she is spending the night with someone she doesn't even want to date or 2. make things really awkward for the next eight hours.

It's like the ultimate ninja-mind trap.  And the reverse doesn't happen because girls rarely bring up the relationship talk.  And because if they tried the in-the-bed discussion, it wouldn't really work because guys are missing the "i feel like a whore today" gene.

Sigh. So there, I've warned you.  Beware of having slumber parties with anyone you don't actually want to date.  Because they might trap you and you might have to spend a week figuring out how to breakup with someone you didn't want to date in the first place.

-W

Dear Handicapped,

You ruined the date before we got started. How?  We drove up to the restaurant.  You whipped out your grandmother's handicapped parking tag and placed it on the rear view mirror and pulled right into the handicapped space.

You are able-bodied.  You didn't act like it was weird. You acted like it was totally normal to use someone else's handicapped sign. On a first date.

Next time you have a girl accept a date with you, spring for valet and give the handicapped sign back to your grandmother.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do with you.

-X

Dear Lenny the Lame

You requested email conversation immediately on eharmony.  I said why not.  Your emails couldn't be less boring.

"How was your weekend. I hung out with friends."

Seriously, dude, take a creative writing class or something.

But maybe you were shy, so I tried to pull some conversation out of you.

Your profile said you were an "office manager,"  so I asked you what field.  You said actually you were studying ophthalmology.  Great I asked.  Where at?  You said "Wake Tech."

Wake Tech is a community college. Not a medical school. Not sure what you were studying there, but it certainly wasn't ophthalmology.  And I was not amused with your deceitfulness that
1. you had a job
and 2. you had any ambition.

A, my friend, put it best when she said, you wouldn't have even gone out with someone like him in high school. So why would you go out with him now.

Good point, A. I didn't.

-W

Dear Sunday School Setup,

Your mother, bless her heart, was my Sunday School teacher while I was in law school.  You were 30. I was 22.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

You lived at home with her, while I lived alone. She still thought we'd be a good match.

You dropped out of college and worked in a local bar. Read: townie.  I was in a top tier law school.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I wear pearls and sundresses.  You wear all black. She still thought we'd be a good match.

I had just stopped seeing Mudcat.  You were probably his weight, but a full foot shorter than he was.  She still thought we'd be a good match.

I politely declined her repeated requests for us to meet.  Low and behold, the last day of finals my 1L year came around.  We pregamed at a friend's house and then headed to the two bars Williamsburg had.  There was a crazy wait outside of the one we wanted to go to. So two friends and I went to the other bar to have some drinks while we waited for the line to die down.

We proceeded to have several shots.  I proceeded to tell them about how my Sunday School teacher was trying to set me up with a complete loser and how it would never happen. Etc.  Not my finest moment, I know.

Flash forward to church on Sunday.  You showed up at church with your mom. She introduced us.  I realized that you were the bartender the night I was telling my friends about you.  I'm sure you heard every word.

Sorry. Or Sorry for Partying. Either way, we wouldn't be a good match.

-W

Dear H and My First Blogging Interview,

Greetings loyal readers.  I hope y'all had a wonderful workday and are enjoying the last few days of summer.

Two things today:

1. H, one of our favorite guest writers, had a story about one of her dates in the September issue of Glamour!  Kudos for her discussing this new phenomenon of unreasonable expectations from guys on dates.  She's famous!  I want to know what you think about this.  Have any of your dates ever tried this move on you (probably not this direct, but maybe)?  Did you fall for it?  If he asked, but was the hottest guy on the planet, would it be a dealbreaker?

2. I was interviewed by R, one of my best college buddies, for her hilarious blog upperbottom.com.  So check that out here.  And, she has agreed to write us a guest blog on how her now husband managed to recover from what apparently was a less-than-stellar first date.  Can't wait to hear about that!

Enjoy!

-W

Dear Sex Sting,

You asked me out in a bar.  Normal.  That happens.  I wasn't interested, but out of curiosity I googled you later on.

Here is what I found:

http://www.todaysthv.com/news/story.aspx?storyid=34689


Yep, that's you.  Mr. Sex Sting Arrestee.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you always google your dates before you go out them.

-A

Dear Needstobelockedup,

We had been dating a short while.  We were hanging out one day, and were just chit chatting.  I asked you to tell me something that I didn't know about you.

This is a pretty normal question.  It usually comes with pretty normal responses: I hate peas, my favorite color is red, I have a chicken pox scar.

Nope, not you.  Your verbatim response:

I want to know what it feels like to kill a person.


What.the.EFF!?!?!

Who thinks that?  Who says that?  Seriously, psychopaths. That's who.

And you weren't just joking either.  Turns out your hobby was torturing birds.  And you laughed while you did so.  You apparently only felt bad once, when the poor animal suffered longer than you expected before you bashed its brains in with a hammer.

You do not need a girlfriend.  You need an involuntary commitment at your local mental health facility.

-L

Dear Butterfly Girl,

You were a blind date. A very pretty blind date. I decided to take you to the natural science museum for our first date, before we went to dinner.

That was my first mistake: planning on spending hours with a girl I had never met before.

But I thought I was being nice and planning a nice, casual but fun date for us.

The natural science museum has a butterfly exhibit.  Most girls love butterflies.  They are pretty and graceful and fun.  So I figured I'd win brownie points here.

But alas, you are not most girls.

I would happen to go on a blind date with the one girl in America who is TERRIFIED of butterflies.  Like calls them "creepy crawlies" and runs from them like little kids run from bees.

When we walked into the exhibit, you went catatonic.  I knew that the date had gone south, and suffered through the rest of it like a gentleman.

And you reported back to the person who sat us up that "He took me to a butterfly museum"  with such an air of disgust.  Apparently you think it is normal to hate butterflies.

Hate on. Alone.

-M.

Conversation Commandments

Dear daters,

I have a list of conversation commandments that you shall adhere to, in order to make it through the first few dates without a lot of awkward silences, or ticking off your date.

1. Thou shalt not use offensive language.  Excessive swearing on the first few dates, with someone you hardly know, makes your date wonder if you use this kind of language with everyone.  And makes them question the suitability of bringing you out in public to meet parents, family, coworkers, friends, and/or bosses.

2. Thou shalt not be a racist.  True story, I went on a date with a guy who literally managed to make an offensive comment about every single race there was.  Including voices.  It was disgusting.  And really stupid.  Being as this is date two, he might not know that I have cousins who are half-Koreans.  Or that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is black.  And so on. This is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and with good reason.

3. Thou shalt compliment your date.  Sincerely.  And not on any body part below her neck.

4.  Thou shalt not discuss money.  Your date is not interested in your bank account at this point in the game.  Impressing her by talking about how much you make is vulgar.  If things progress, there is plenty of time to discuss money down the road.

5. Thou shalt not make fun of people.  Including but not limited to: fat people, skinny people, handicapped people, gay people, straight people, agnostics, atheists,  uber-religious people, Democrats, Republicans, little people, pageant queens, drama queens, drag queens, poor people, rich people, blondes, brunettes or redheads.  But stupid people are fair game.  Knock yourself out.

6.  Thou shalt not flirt with anyone other than your date.  It's rude.  It's insulting.  And it's about 100% guaranteed to ensure that this is the last time you will be graced with the company of your date.

7.  Thou shalt say "please" and "thank you."  Be polite to your date, the waitstaff, and anyone else you encounter.  Thank him for dinner.  Thank her for a nice evening.

9.  Thou shalt not give too much information.  True story, I was on a first date with a guy, and he started talking about a conversation he had with his mother.  About his penis. And how it is two-toned. Awkward. He did not get a second date.

10.  Thou shalt do everything in your conversational power to make your date feel comfortable and relaxed.  This means avoiding taboo subjects, broaching controversial subjects cautiously, and being agreeable.  Don't try and "one-up" all of your date's stories.  Be a good listener. Ask follow up questions of her.  Switch the topic if she appears uncomfortable with where the conversation is headed.  Follow her cues, both verbal and nonverbal.


-W

Upperbottom Guest Blog

R, the fabulous writer of upperbottom.com has allowed me to write another guest blog on the lack of planning some guys consider their "A game."  Go check it out.

I've had some good dates lately, so I haven't had much to blog about.  But I'm done traveling for a while so hopefully I can get back in the game.

-W

Dear Tommie the Troll,

I totally forgot about you until tonight, when my happy hour crew began discussing gnomes.

Haha.

Seriously though, I met you at a dinner party hosted by my boyfriend at the time, Sam's Club.  You arrived an hour early.  I had just gotten into town and I was literally stepping out of the shower when the doorbell rang.  As Sam's Club was running around cleaning up his place and getting the food ready, I had to speed get ready and come out and entertain you.  Since no one else would arrive for an hour.

I was nice to you, because I was hostess that evening. I made you feel welcome.  I offered you wine.  I discussed your career.  How very interesting that you are working on your PHD, I said.  Where are you in school?  And since I was a lawyer-in-training, I soon figured out that while you tell people at parties you are working on your doctorate, you are actually working on your bachelor's degree, part time.  There is no shame in that, so I am unsure as to why you felt the need to lie to me about your education.

Anyway, I talked to you sporadically during the evening as a good hostess would.  You were allegedly friends with Sam's Club, so I thought nothing of it til a few weeks later when you sent me a message on Myspace (before facebook let older people in) asking me if I would like to hang out once Sam's Club moved to China. Um really?

I showed the message to Sam's Club, and in his typically Alpha Maleness, he was livid.  He sent word to you via his friends back home, that you were to stay away from me.  And you know what you told his friends?  That I came onto you.  That I wouldn't leave you alone.  That I was pursuing you.

Seriously Tommie, you are 35, short, bald, and have a high school education.  Not to be a total snob here, but nobody bought that for a second.

-W

Dear UFC,

Another guest blog, brought to you by R, a most awesome blogger about life, love, and things that are funny.

Without further ado:

Dear UFC,

(The events in this story took place in 2003.  It was the summer before my junior year of college.  Go wolfpack.)

We met at a BBQ event at our apartment community.  I was wearing one of those sumo wrestling costumes.  And you were with your girlfriend.  

We were all standing around in a big group when someone made a reference to mixed martial arts, to which I responded with some comment having to do with Gracie and jiu jitsu and Team Punishment or whatever.  Basically because my dad made me watch Ultimate Fighting all through middle school and high school.  And by “made me” I mean we’d go to Blockbuster and I’d be all, “where’s the special interest section!?”

You gawked.  I mean, really, to the point that your girlfriend started giving you the side eye and me the stink eye.  But you can’t really accuse a girl of flirting with your boyfriend when said girl is wearing a sumo wrestling costume, now can you?  No.  BBQ ended and we all went home.

Fast forward a month-ish.

You IM’d me.  Not sure how you got my IM name because we’d had no communication and I was even kinda iffy about remembering your name, but I was impressed at your stalking abilities.  +2 points.  You asked me out and I said sure.  After all, you were cute, a good dresser, and cute.  These were basically the things I was looking for in a date.  And of course, I clarified that you were no longer in that relationship.  

Turns out- and this is the crux of this story- you and The Girlfriend had been together for like 4 years before the break-up.  That’s a long time for people who can’t legally drink.  Back to the date…

You picked me up in your old, brown Honda, (-4 points… I was a car snob) and as soon as I sat down you pulled out flowers from the back seat.  Nowadays if my husband did that I’d be all +10 points!  but I was 20 yrs old and all the flowers did were make me feel like you expected to get lucky at the end of the night, whereas all I wanted was a meal.  Eh.

(But also, this was the summer of my Khaki, Pleaded Skort of which I probably wore on this date, so +2 points FOR DEALING WITH THAT.)

You took me to Olive Garden.  Cool.  The food was good and the conversation was pretty good too, although I felt a little uncomfortable when you told me the story about the car accident you had in high school with the major head trauma and that your ex-girlfriend was by your side the entire time you were in the hospital.  It was like that moment on the one-on-one date where the guy is awkwardly talking about hot water heaters damaging the environment, and The Bachelorette is like, yeahhh.  It was just like that.  But you know.  Moving on.  

For dessert you took me to Ruth’s Chris because I “just had to try their crème brulee” but if it’s so good, why didn’t you just spring for dinner there?  -2 points.  But maybe you thought that an expensive restaurant, combined with the IM stalking and the flowers, would have been over the top?  I see your point.  +1.

When you dropped me off at my apartment after dessert, you gave me a hug and invited me on another date.  I said yes.  Mainly because you were excellent at reading body language and realized I wasn’t quite feelin a kiss at this point.  Still thought you were cute though.  

A few days later, you took me to PF Changs (+3 points!  PF Changs!  Holla!), then to your older brother’s apartment to watch a fight on PPV.  Yep, a UFC fight.  It was actually fun and to this day, that was the best knock out I’ve ever seen and I will never forget the gash on that guy’s head… in fact, I’ve never seen so much blood in the octagon before.  Nice date!  I agreed to go out with you again.  Albeit, you were bordering on clingy with your back-to-back date invites and very frequent IMing. (-1) Especially when you suggested I be your date to your frat’s “pimps and hoes” party that was months away.  Ehhhh.

BUT HERE COMES YOUR DEATH SENTENCE, MY FRIEND.

On the afternoon of what was supposed to be our third date, you IM’d me that your little brother had broken his leg during a baseball game, and that you had to meet your family at the hospital.  Alright, no prob, I thought.  

BUT THEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO WITH YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.  

?!?!?!

Like, the hospital where you family was!  I’d been dating you for all of a week, and not exclusively at that!  I don’t want to meet your family, especially not in a hospital where everyone’s freaking out about your brother’s baseball scholarship being taken away.  Someone please say it isn’t so… UFC over here is a stage 4 clinger.  

So I obviously said “no thanks, I’m good.”  You said “no really, you should come!”  I said, “um, it’s cool, I’m kinda busy anyway.”  You said, “but my family would love to meet you!  Please come!”  I thereby declared you bankrupt of points, and at the same time I was probably copying and pasting your messages to not less than two of my friends as evidence I would never see you again, and also, as evidence I needed alternate plans for the evening.  (Pretty sure I ended up on another date.  True story.)

You tried to reschedule our third date and after a kind but affirmative no thanks, you backed off.  About a month later, I heard you were back with your ex-girlfriend.

Now I’m no rocket scientist Dr. Drew Pinsky/Phil, but all things considered, I’m pretty sure I was your rebound.  Maybe you were trying really hard to distract yourself from your ex, or maybe you were trying to make her jealous?  Regardless, NOT MY ISSUE.  You were back together and good for you.   

…

WOW.  THE MIND OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL.  That was fun, W!  Thanks!

-R

Dear Tim the Angry Man,

I had totally forgotten about you until you popped up on my facebook feed a few days ago.  Tim the psycho.  P was friends with you and wanted to set us up on a blind date when I was in Raleigh for the summer during law school.  So she gave you my number and you began texting and calling.  You seemed normal, and I was looking forward to actually meeting you.

Flash forward to Memorial Day weekend 2007.  I had just arrived in Raleigh for my internship. H was in town, so we were going out with several people from her company in town for training.  We were hanging out at a bar, and I was clearly with about 10 guys and H (her company is decidedly male-dominated).  I was flirting with one of the guys (fun fact: he was 6'6 and when I went out with him a few times, it was sooo awkward because I'm so short).  And apparently you saw me and recognized me from my facebook pictures.

I don't remember seeing you, and as I had never met you, I probably wouldn't have recognized you if I had.  But you marched right up to the group I was sitting in the middle of, and proceeded to introduce yourself/bitch me out.  It was the weirdest thing ever.  I'd never met you and yet there I was getting yelled at by a stranger. The tirade included you mentioning that I was a snob, I found you unattractive, you were too short for me, etc.  Talk about awkward.  Everyone just stood there stunned, like who is this guy.

I don't remember what I said or did. I think I tried to be as polite as I could with a nice-to-meet-you-too and then returned to conversing with my party.  You had just used up all three strikes with that rant, and I wasn't about to go out with you then.

But you weren't done yet.  You called me at about 3am that night. Left a five minute voicemail, calling me a bunch of names, including bitch.  Seriously.

I didn't respond and the next day you proceeded to try and chitchat with me like nothing had happened. Uh no.  You have anger management issues that I am unprepared to deal with in someone I've never even gone on a date with.

All the best with your issues,

W

Dear Readers,

Today is a monumental occassion.  I have my first guest blog entry, on my friend R's website: upperbottom.com.

R writes about the hilarious details of everyday life, including Spider Killing.

For my guest blog, I wrote about the Top 10 Mistakes Guys Make in Dating.

Enjoy!

-W

Dear Outback and Matt the Lawyer (Again)

While on vacation in Palm Coast, Florida this week, I received some random texts.  The first was from Outback:

It was a picture of a man in a gorilla costume with the caption: My, brother. I think he's adopted.

Um, what?  I haven't responded to your last text message, that was sent weeks ago.  And now you randomly send me a picture of a gorilla?  Delete me from your phone already, weirdo.

The next random text message was from Matt the Lawyer.  I randomly hear from him, but I am guessing this is probably a mass text he sent out to random girls he thinks he has on the hook.

His text: I bought 2 gallons of summer ale from the brewery in Danville where I grew up.  It's really good! We have to get together and drink it.

Um, Matt. We went out once. I am not going to go "drink gallons of summer ale with you."  I don't even like ale.  At all.  Nor does drinking constitute a real date.  Better luck with the other girls you sent that message to...

-W

Dear DDS,

For our second date, I came up to Richmond (my mom lives there and I was in town for her birthday anyway. No, I did not drive 3 hours just for a date).  But, of course, I had to have some sort of emergency.

The emergency this time: makeup.  I was shopping with my mom, and they were doing some makeovers at Lancome. I was in the market for some new makeup so I let the lady do my eye makeup, and I pre-ordered some neat summer shimmer eye shadow.  We head to some other stores and my eyes are itching like crazy and turning all bloodshot. Holy crap. I'm having an allergic reaction to the eye shadow.

So I hustle back to the department store. The Clinique counter has the best eye makeup remover, so I get that done.  Only now my eyes are red and puffy.  And without makeup. Crap. So I had her cancel the Lancome order.  Turns out they have a lot of perfume in their products.  Clinique doesn't.  Stick with what you know.  So I had to get a complete makeover at the Clinique counter, because the eye makeup removal process messed up the foundation, etc.  So that set me back by about 1 hour.

So basically, I ran home, changed clothes and then headed back out the door to drive the 40 minutes to Richmond.  I get to his apt, and have to parallel park.  I don't parallel park.  So he had to come down and get in my car and help me, but from there, the date goes smoothly.

He takes me on a driving tour of Richmond.  We go people watching and for a walk along the river at Belle Island.  Then we head for drinks and appetizers at Legend Brewery.  The place has a large deck and a great view of the skyline.  Since I'm not a beer drinker, I got a coke and tater tots.  Classy, I know. We watched the sun setting over the city before heading out to our next stop.

After that we head to a wine tasting at C'est Le Vin.  Turns out DDS is friends with the owners.  And they love him and are super sweet and generous.  So our wine glasses were filled and refilled.  With really really delicious wine.  And by tasting, they apparently meant, drink an entire glass for a taste.  I was pretty buzzed by the time we left there to go to dinner.

We had dinner at Tobacco Company. I loved it.  It was delicious food, and a really nice atmosphere.   Very Richmond.  After that, we headed back to the wine bar to complete our tasting.  While the food helped sober me up, the several more glasses of wine completely reversed that course.  And so I finished off the night way too inebriated to drive back to my mom's house.  So I go with him back to his apartment to sober up.

His apartment is downtown, and on the top floor, it has a great view of the skyline.  So we people watched and ate the delicious cupcakes he had bought me.  They were delicious.  He remembered that Frostings is my favorite Richmond bakery, and he had got one of each of my favorites.  Mucho brownie points there.  And so our first kiss was in front of the Richmond sky line.  A much more romantic scene than the guy puking his guts out in Raleigh.

After a while, we fell asleep.  But for the dirty-minded among you, no nothing happened. In fact, he said he didn't want to mess up anything because he really liked me. I know. Aww.

-W

Dear City of Raleigh,

(Please excuse the lack of posts lately, but I've been traveling. To Fargo, ND. Yeah. Hold back your jealousy.)

I went out the night after the date with the crazy-ass texter with Matt.  Matt is a dentist from Virginia (nickname shall be DDS).  We had a great time.  He drove down, got himself a hotel room (bonus points for not awkwardly asking or expecting to spend the night with me), and met me downtown for dinner.

We had a nice dinner at Gravy, and since he drove 3 hours to get here, I felt like I needed to extend the date past the normal "thanksfordinnergottagobye!"  So, after dinner we discussed going to the Bulls game.  But we were in downtown Raleigh, and the game was supposed to have already started.  Plus, storm clouds were forming.  So I suggested we walk over to a block party that I had received a facebook invite to.  We walk to where the party is.  There is no party.  Just a bunch of workers scrambling to put up tents and things before the storm hit.  Which it did.

My hair looks terrific at this point, btw.  Yay humidity.  If someone has some great humidity hair products, please let a girl know! So, we head for an old favorite of mine, Raleigh Times, and snag two prime people watching seats at the bar.  It was great conversation.  He wasn't sketchy at all, which is a first for dates this summer. Let me tell you.  We're chitchatting when suddenly someone grabs my neck.

It's T.  A sorority sister. And she is HAMMERED.  She was part of an amazing race type contest in Raleigh that involved a lot of drinking.  So she had been drinking for approximately 9 hours at this point.  She had also lost her group. Lucky me.  So, she entertained Matt and I for half an hour.  I guess this was paybacks for me being the wasted one a few weeks back when I told her she was a lawyer. Sigh.  So T makes Matt take pictures of us.  She told him the first one was ugly and to try again.  Charming.

She wanders off to find her group, finally.  That's when I look up and see Possum.  Remember the guy that I played dead to avoid talking to?  Yeah, him. He stood there, looking at Matt and then back to me.  Shaking his head the entire time.  Possum stood right beside Matt for a solid hour.  Swell.

So eventually we decide to head out and survey the nightlife.  We walk down the street. I'm a good tour guide, showing him landmarks and such.  I mention the Deb Ball when we get to the Sheraton (coyly leaving out the walk-of-shame-past-the-today-show story).  Matt, being a yankee, has no idea what I'm talking about.  So I have to explain it all to him.  By that time, its getting late and we end up snagging a table on the street for some more people watching.

We're chatting, watching drunk folk, and suddenly I look up and see a fight start approximately 5 feet behind us.  Lovely.  I hop up and tell Matt to move out of the way.  He does, right as a group of guys crash into our table, sending it flying.  Matt turns to me and asks "don't you guys have police in Raleigh?"  No, Matt, apparently we do not.

Believing that to be a sign from above that the date was over, Matt walks me to my car like a gentleman.  When we get to my car in the parking deck, it's that awkward hug goodbye/ask me out again moment.  He asks me out again and we go in for the hug and that's when we hear this AWFUL noise.  Yep, some guy is puking his guts out. How romantic.

So, what a good impression you make Raleigh!  I hope I did not just become the first girl ever to be cockblocked by her city!

-W

Dear Outback (Again),

We met on Friday for dinner and then a comedy show.  While you earned points with the comedy show, because it allowed me to check and item off my bucket list, I was miffed by the following things.  Cumulatively, they are what made me decide that our second date would be our final date.

1. You had me meet you at the comedy place.  You did not even offer to drive me.  Not very polite of you.  But...
2. I think you wanted me to go to City Limits with you after the comedy show.  Seriously, a club on a date. You have got to be joking.
3.  A club for 18 year olds. Um no.
4. You kept pressuring me to drink more, despite your incessant chatter about how you want to make sure I'm not an alcoholic like your past girlfriends... Awkward.
5. You flat out told me that you stopped talking to another girl so that you could concentrate on me.  After one date.  I thought that you were putting a lot of pressure on me to say the same thing, but let's be serious.
6.  You take for freaking forever to say goodbye.  Like kiss me once and let me go home.  Less is more, buddy.
7.  Although you claim to be a non-smoker, I definitely detected a smoking odor when you kissed me. Gross. Dealbreaker.
8.  You told me that you dated a sorority girl in college. And you cooked dinner for her one night and things were heating up when 10 of her sorority sisters showed up at your door to rescue her.  I'm not sure why you would tell me that story.  But it pretty much was the kiss of death for you.  Let's be serious.  Sorority girls are not known for their purity.  So it says something to me about your reputation when the collective wisdom of 10 girls is that their friend should not be alone with you.


So, when you asked me out again, I decided to let you down gently.  I told you that I wasn't free for dinner until mid-July. Read: a month from now.  Take the hint.  But you didn't.  Here is a verbatim text message conversation that followed:

O: I can take a hint.
O: What about drinks? (HAHHAHAHAH, dude, I don't want to see you. not now. not ever. even for drinks.)
O: Be honest, am I wasting my time pursuing you? (Duh.)
W: I am really swamped right now so I probably don't have time for any relationship right now. I think you are a great guy though. (I thought that was nice and to the point. I am really busy, too, so it isn't a total lie.)
O: Thanks


........... I thought that was the end of it. But this morning:

O: If I'm great then we can still have dinner mid July. I beleave [sic - spelling is clearly from Georgia, like him] somebody's getting what love u have to offer.[ not true, I just don't like him. how about he try and grasp that concept: i'd rather be alone than be with him]  So, I guess I'm back to interviewing [wth?] more women. U have enough friends already, but maybe we could do the same. Let me know if u ever need anything. Ps. Do you think their [sic] that actually live the Christian life when their [sic] away from church?  Let me know where that church is when u find it. It would be cheaper than going to Russia. lol. [mail order brides? what in the world?]



Yes, he went from sounding sad and lonely to insulting me.  So for the record, Outback.  Yes, there are girls that live Christian lives.  But they probably don't go to bars on second dates, drink tons of alcohol, or go out with guys who insult them.

and two hours later:
O: By the way, I still think ur great!



I haven't responded. Nor will I.

All the best, weirdo.

- W