We had been dating a short while. We were hanging out one day, and were just chit chatting. I asked you to tell me something that I didn't know about you.
This is a pretty normal question. It usually comes with pretty normal responses: I hate peas, my favorite color is red, I have a chicken pox scar.
Nope, not you. Your verbatim response:
I want to know what it feels like to kill a person.
What.the.EFF!?!?!
Who thinks that? Who says that? Seriously, psychopaths. That's who.
And you weren't just joking either. Turns out your hobby was torturing birds. And you laughed while you did so. You apparently only felt bad once, when the poor animal suffered longer than you expected before you bashed its brains in with a hammer.
You do not need a girlfriend. You need an involuntary commitment at your local mental health facility.
-L
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Dear Butterfly Girl,
You were a blind date. A very pretty blind date. I decided to take you to the natural science museum for our first date, before we went to dinner.
That was my first mistake: planning on spending hours with a girl I had never met before.
But I thought I was being nice and planning a nice, casual but fun date for us.
The natural science museum has a butterfly exhibit. Most girls love butterflies. They are pretty and graceful and fun. So I figured I'd win brownie points here.
But alas, you are not most girls.
I would happen to go on a blind date with the one girl in America who is TERRIFIED of butterflies. Like calls them "creepy crawlies" and runs from them like little kids run from bees.
When we walked into the exhibit, you went catatonic. I knew that the date had gone south, and suffered through the rest of it like a gentleman.
And you reported back to the person who sat us up that "He took me to a butterfly museum" with such an air of disgust. Apparently you think it is normal to hate butterflies.
Hate on. Alone.
-M.
That was my first mistake: planning on spending hours with a girl I had never met before.
But I thought I was being nice and planning a nice, casual but fun date for us.
The natural science museum has a butterfly exhibit. Most girls love butterflies. They are pretty and graceful and fun. So I figured I'd win brownie points here.
But alas, you are not most girls.
I would happen to go on a blind date with the one girl in America who is TERRIFIED of butterflies. Like calls them "creepy crawlies" and runs from them like little kids run from bees.
When we walked into the exhibit, you went catatonic. I knew that the date had gone south, and suffered through the rest of it like a gentleman.
And you reported back to the person who sat us up that "He took me to a butterfly museum" with such an air of disgust. Apparently you think it is normal to hate butterflies.
Hate on. Alone.
-M.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Conversation Commandments
Dear daters,
I have a list of conversation commandments that you shall adhere to, in order to make it through the first few dates without a lot of awkward silences, or ticking off your date.
1. Thou shalt not use offensive language. Excessive swearing on the first few dates, with someone you hardly know, makes your date wonder if you use this kind of language with everyone. And makes them question the suitability of bringing you out in public to meet parents, family, coworkers, friends, and/or bosses.
2. Thou shalt not be a racist. True story, I went on a date with a guy who literally managed to make an offensive comment about every single race there was. Including voices. It was disgusting. And really stupid. Being as this is date two, he might not know that I have cousins who are half-Koreans. Or that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is black. And so on. This is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and with good reason.
3. Thou shalt compliment your date. Sincerely. And not on any body part below her neck.
4. Thou shalt not discuss money. Your date is not interested in your bank account at this point in the game. Impressing her by talking about how much you make is vulgar. If things progress, there is plenty of time to discuss money down the road.
5. Thou shalt not make fun of people. Including but not limited to: fat people, skinny people, handicapped people, gay people, straight people, agnostics, atheists, uber-religious people, Democrats, Republicans, little people, pageant queens, drama queens, drag queens, poor people, rich people, blondes, brunettes or redheads. But stupid people are fair game. Knock yourself out.
6. Thou shalt not flirt with anyone other than your date. It's rude. It's insulting. And it's about 100% guaranteed to ensure that this is the last time you will be graced with the company of your date.
7. Thou shalt say "please" and "thank you." Be polite to your date, the waitstaff, and anyone else you encounter. Thank him for dinner. Thank her for a nice evening.
9. Thou shalt not give too much information. True story, I was on a first date with a guy, and he started talking about a conversation he had with his mother. About his penis. And how it is two-toned. Awkward. He did not get a second date.
10. Thou shalt do everything in your conversational power to make your date feel comfortable and relaxed. This means avoiding taboo subjects, broaching controversial subjects cautiously, and being agreeable. Don't try and "one-up" all of your date's stories. Be a good listener. Ask follow up questions of her. Switch the topic if she appears uncomfortable with where the conversation is headed. Follow her cues, both verbal and nonverbal.
-W
I have a list of conversation commandments that you shall adhere to, in order to make it through the first few dates without a lot of awkward silences, or ticking off your date.
1. Thou shalt not use offensive language. Excessive swearing on the first few dates, with someone you hardly know, makes your date wonder if you use this kind of language with everyone. And makes them question the suitability of bringing you out in public to meet parents, family, coworkers, friends, and/or bosses.
2. Thou shalt not be a racist. True story, I went on a date with a guy who literally managed to make an offensive comment about every single race there was. Including voices. It was disgusting. And really stupid. Being as this is date two, he might not know that I have cousins who are half-Koreans. Or that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world is black. And so on. This is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and with good reason.
3. Thou shalt compliment your date. Sincerely. And not on any body part below her neck.
4. Thou shalt not discuss money. Your date is not interested in your bank account at this point in the game. Impressing her by talking about how much you make is vulgar. If things progress, there is plenty of time to discuss money down the road.
5. Thou shalt not make fun of people. Including but not limited to: fat people, skinny people, handicapped people, gay people, straight people, agnostics, atheists, uber-religious people, Democrats, Republicans, little people, pageant queens, drama queens, drag queens, poor people, rich people, blondes, brunettes or redheads. But stupid people are fair game. Knock yourself out.
6. Thou shalt not flirt with anyone other than your date. It's rude. It's insulting. And it's about 100% guaranteed to ensure that this is the last time you will be graced with the company of your date.
7. Thou shalt say "please" and "thank you." Be polite to your date, the waitstaff, and anyone else you encounter. Thank him for dinner. Thank her for a nice evening.
9. Thou shalt not give too much information. True story, I was on a first date with a guy, and he started talking about a conversation he had with his mother. About his penis. And how it is two-toned. Awkward. He did not get a second date.
10. Thou shalt do everything in your conversational power to make your date feel comfortable and relaxed. This means avoiding taboo subjects, broaching controversial subjects cautiously, and being agreeable. Don't try and "one-up" all of your date's stories. Be a good listener. Ask follow up questions of her. Switch the topic if she appears uncomfortable with where the conversation is headed. Follow her cues, both verbal and nonverbal.
-W
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Upperbottom Guest Blog
R, the fabulous writer of upperbottom.com has allowed me to write another guest blog on the lack of planning some guys consider their "A game." Go check it out.
I've had some good dates lately, so I haven't had much to blog about. But I'm done traveling for a while so hopefully I can get back in the game.
-W
I've had some good dates lately, so I haven't had much to blog about. But I'm done traveling for a while so hopefully I can get back in the game.
-W
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dear Tommie the Troll,
I totally forgot about you until tonight, when my happy hour crew began discussing gnomes.
Haha.
Seriously though, I met you at a dinner party hosted by my boyfriend at the time, Sam's Club. You arrived an hour early. I had just gotten into town and I was literally stepping out of the shower when the doorbell rang. As Sam's Club was running around cleaning up his place and getting the food ready, I had to speed get ready and come out and entertain you. Since no one else would arrive for an hour.
I was nice to you, because I was hostess that evening. I made you feel welcome. I offered you wine. I discussed your career. How very interesting that you are working on your PHD, I said. Where are you in school? And since I was a lawyer-in-training, I soon figured out that while you tell people at parties you are working on your doctorate, you are actually working on your bachelor's degree, part time. There is no shame in that, so I am unsure as to why you felt the need to lie to me about your education.
Anyway, I talked to you sporadically during the evening as a good hostess would. You were allegedly friends with Sam's Club, so I thought nothing of it til a few weeks later when you sent me a message on Myspace (before facebook let older people in) asking me if I would like to hang out once Sam's Club moved to China. Um really?
I showed the message to Sam's Club, and in his typically Alpha Maleness, he was livid. He sent word to you via his friends back home, that you were to stay away from me. And you know what you told his friends? That I came onto you. That I wouldn't leave you alone. That I was pursuing you.
Seriously Tommie, you are 35, short, bald, and have a high school education. Not to be a total snob here, but nobody bought that for a second.
-W
Haha.
Seriously though, I met you at a dinner party hosted by my boyfriend at the time, Sam's Club. You arrived an hour early. I had just gotten into town and I was literally stepping out of the shower when the doorbell rang. As Sam's Club was running around cleaning up his place and getting the food ready, I had to speed get ready and come out and entertain you. Since no one else would arrive for an hour.
I was nice to you, because I was hostess that evening. I made you feel welcome. I offered you wine. I discussed your career. How very interesting that you are working on your PHD, I said. Where are you in school? And since I was a lawyer-in-training, I soon figured out that while you tell people at parties you are working on your doctorate, you are actually working on your bachelor's degree, part time. There is no shame in that, so I am unsure as to why you felt the need to lie to me about your education.
Anyway, I talked to you sporadically during the evening as a good hostess would. You were allegedly friends with Sam's Club, so I thought nothing of it til a few weeks later when you sent me a message on Myspace (before facebook let older people in) asking me if I would like to hang out once Sam's Club moved to China. Um really?
I showed the message to Sam's Club, and in his typically Alpha Maleness, he was livid. He sent word to you via his friends back home, that you were to stay away from me. And you know what you told his friends? That I came onto you. That I wouldn't leave you alone. That I was pursuing you.
Seriously Tommie, you are 35, short, bald, and have a high school education. Not to be a total snob here, but nobody bought that for a second.
-W
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Dear UFC,
Another guest blog, brought to you by R, a most awesome blogger about life, love, and things that are funny.
Without further ado:
Without further ado:
Dear UFC,
(The events in this story took place in 2003. It was the summer before my junior year of college. Go wolfpack.)
We met at a BBQ event at our apartment community. I was wearing one of those sumo wrestling costumes. And you were with your girlfriend.
We were all standing around in a big group when someone made a reference to mixed martial arts, to which I responded with some comment having to do with Gracie and jiu jitsu and Team Punishment or whatever. Basically because my dad made me watch Ultimate Fighting all through middle school and high school. And by “made me” I mean we’d go to Blockbuster and I’d be all, “where’s the special interest section!?”
You gawked. I mean, really, to the point that your girlfriend started giving you the side eye and me the stink eye. But you can’t really accuse a girl of flirting with your boyfriend when said girl is wearing a sumo wrestling costume, now can you? No. BBQ ended and we all went home.
Fast forward a month-ish.
You IM’d me. Not sure how you got my IM name because we’d had no communication and I was even kinda iffy about remembering your name, but I was impressed at your stalking abilities. +2 points. You asked me out and I said sure. After all, you were cute, a good dresser, and cute. These were basically the things I was looking for in a date. And of course, I clarified that you were no longer in that relationship.
Turns out- and this is the crux of this story- you and The Girlfriend had been together for like 4 years before the break-up. That’s a long time for people who can’t legally drink. Back to the date…
You picked me up in your old, brown Honda, (-4 points… I was a car snob) and as soon as I sat down you pulled out flowers from the back seat. Nowadays if my husband did that I’d be all +10 points! but I was 20 yrs old and all the flowers did were make me feel like you expected to get lucky at the end of the night, whereas all I wanted was a meal. Eh.
(But also, this was the summer of my Khaki, Pleaded Skort of which I probably wore on this date, so +2 points FOR DEALING WITH THAT.)
You took me to Olive Garden. Cool. The food was good and the conversation was pretty good too, although I felt a little uncomfortable when you told me the story about the car accident you had in high school with the major head trauma and that your ex-girlfriend was by your side the entire time you were in the hospital. It was like that moment on the one-on-one date where the guy is awkwardly talking about hot water heaters damaging the environment, and The Bachelorette is like, yeahhh. It was just like that. But you know. Moving on.
For dessert you took me to Ruth’s Chris because I “just had to try their crème brulee” but if it’s so good, why didn’t you just spring for dinner there? -2 points. But maybe you thought that an expensive restaurant, combined with the IM stalking and the flowers, would have been over the top? I see your point. +1.
When you dropped me off at my apartment after dessert, you gave me a hug and invited me on another date. I said yes. Mainly because you were excellent at reading body language and realized I wasn’t quite feelin a kiss at this point. Still thought you were cute though.
A few days later, you took me to PF Changs (+3 points! PF Changs! Holla!), then to your older brother’s apartment to watch a fight on PPV. Yep, a UFC fight. It was actually fun and to this day, that was the best knock out I’ve ever seen and I will never forget the gash on that guy’s head… in fact, I’ve never seen so much blood in the octagon before. Nice date! I agreed to go out with you again. Albeit, you were bordering on clingy with your back-to-back date invites and very frequent IMing. (-1) Especially when you suggested I be your date to your frat’s “pimps and hoes” party that was months away. Ehhhh.
BUT HERE COMES YOUR DEATH SENTENCE, MY FRIEND.
On the afternoon of what was supposed to be our third date, you IM’d me that your little brother had broken his leg during a baseball game, and that you had to meet your family at the hospital. Alright, no prob, I thought.
BUT THEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO WITH YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.
?!?!?!
Like, the hospital where you family was! I’d been dating you for all of a week, and not exclusively at that! I don’t want to meet your family, especially not in a hospital where everyone’s freaking out about your brother’s baseball scholarship being taken away. Someone please say it isn’t so… UFC over here is a stage 4 clinger.
So I obviously said “no thanks, I’m good.” You said “no really, you should come!” I said, “um, it’s cool, I’m kinda busy anyway.” You said, “but my family would love to meet you! Please come!” I thereby declared you bankrupt of points, and at the same time I was probably copying and pasting your messages to not less than two of my friends as evidence I would never see you again, and also, as evidence I needed alternate plans for the evening. (Pretty sure I ended up on another date. True story.)
You tried to reschedule our third date and after a kind but affirmative no thanks, you backed off. About a month later, I heard you were back with your ex-girlfriend.
Now I’m no rocket scientist Dr. Drew Pinsky/Phil, but all things considered, I’m pretty sure I was your rebound. Maybe you were trying really hard to distract yourself from your ex, or maybe you were trying to make her jealous? Regardless, NOT MY ISSUE. You were back together and good for you.
…
WOW. THE MIND OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL. That was fun, W! Thanks!
(The events in this story took place in 2003. It was the summer before my junior year of college. Go wolfpack.)
We met at a BBQ event at our apartment community. I was wearing one of those sumo wrestling costumes. And you were with your girlfriend.
We were all standing around in a big group when someone made a reference to mixed martial arts, to which I responded with some comment having to do with Gracie and jiu jitsu and Team Punishment or whatever. Basically because my dad made me watch Ultimate Fighting all through middle school and high school. And by “made me” I mean we’d go to Blockbuster and I’d be all, “where’s the special interest section!?”
You gawked. I mean, really, to the point that your girlfriend started giving you the side eye and me the stink eye. But you can’t really accuse a girl of flirting with your boyfriend when said girl is wearing a sumo wrestling costume, now can you? No. BBQ ended and we all went home.
Fast forward a month-ish.
You IM’d me. Not sure how you got my IM name because we’d had no communication and I was even kinda iffy about remembering your name, but I was impressed at your stalking abilities. +2 points. You asked me out and I said sure. After all, you were cute, a good dresser, and cute. These were basically the things I was looking for in a date. And of course, I clarified that you were no longer in that relationship.
Turns out- and this is the crux of this story- you and The Girlfriend had been together for like 4 years before the break-up. That’s a long time for people who can’t legally drink. Back to the date…
You picked me up in your old, brown Honda, (-4 points… I was a car snob) and as soon as I sat down you pulled out flowers from the back seat. Nowadays if my husband did that I’d be all +10 points! but I was 20 yrs old and all the flowers did were make me feel like you expected to get lucky at the end of the night, whereas all I wanted was a meal. Eh.
(But also, this was the summer of my Khaki, Pleaded Skort of which I probably wore on this date, so +2 points FOR DEALING WITH THAT.)
You took me to Olive Garden. Cool. The food was good and the conversation was pretty good too, although I felt a little uncomfortable when you told me the story about the car accident you had in high school with the major head trauma and that your ex-girlfriend was by your side the entire time you were in the hospital. It was like that moment on the one-on-one date where the guy is awkwardly talking about hot water heaters damaging the environment, and The Bachelorette is like, yeahhh. It was just like that. But you know. Moving on.
For dessert you took me to Ruth’s Chris because I “just had to try their crème brulee” but if it’s so good, why didn’t you just spring for dinner there? -2 points. But maybe you thought that an expensive restaurant, combined with the IM stalking and the flowers, would have been over the top? I see your point. +1.
When you dropped me off at my apartment after dessert, you gave me a hug and invited me on another date. I said yes. Mainly because you were excellent at reading body language and realized I wasn’t quite feelin a kiss at this point. Still thought you were cute though.
A few days later, you took me to PF Changs (+3 points! PF Changs! Holla!), then to your older brother’s apartment to watch a fight on PPV. Yep, a UFC fight. It was actually fun and to this day, that was the best knock out I’ve ever seen and I will never forget the gash on that guy’s head… in fact, I’ve never seen so much blood in the octagon before. Nice date! I agreed to go out with you again. Albeit, you were bordering on clingy with your back-to-back date invites and very frequent IMing. (-1) Especially when you suggested I be your date to your frat’s “pimps and hoes” party that was months away. Ehhhh.
BUT HERE COMES YOUR DEATH SENTENCE, MY FRIEND.
On the afternoon of what was supposed to be our third date, you IM’d me that your little brother had broken his leg during a baseball game, and that you had to meet your family at the hospital. Alright, no prob, I thought.
BUT THEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO WITH YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.
?!?!?!
Like, the hospital where you family was! I’d been dating you for all of a week, and not exclusively at that! I don’t want to meet your family, especially not in a hospital where everyone’s freaking out about your brother’s baseball scholarship being taken away. Someone please say it isn’t so… UFC over here is a stage 4 clinger.
So I obviously said “no thanks, I’m good.” You said “no really, you should come!” I said, “um, it’s cool, I’m kinda busy anyway.” You said, “but my family would love to meet you! Please come!” I thereby declared you bankrupt of points, and at the same time I was probably copying and pasting your messages to not less than two of my friends as evidence I would never see you again, and also, as evidence I needed alternate plans for the evening. (Pretty sure I ended up on another date. True story.)
You tried to reschedule our third date and after a kind but affirmative no thanks, you backed off. About a month later, I heard you were back with your ex-girlfriend.
Now I’m no rocket scientist Dr. Drew Pinsky/Phil, but all things considered, I’m pretty sure I was your rebound. Maybe you were trying really hard to distract yourself from your ex, or maybe you were trying to make her jealous? Regardless, NOT MY ISSUE. You were back together and good for you.
…
WOW. THE MIND OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL. That was fun, W! Thanks!
-R
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Dear Tim the Angry Man,
I had totally forgotten about you until you popped up on my facebook feed a few days ago. Tim the psycho. P was friends with you and wanted to set us up on a blind date when I was in Raleigh for the summer during law school. So she gave you my number and you began texting and calling. You seemed normal, and I was looking forward to actually meeting you.
Flash forward to Memorial Day weekend 2007. I had just arrived in Raleigh for my internship. H was in town, so we were going out with several people from her company in town for training. We were hanging out at a bar, and I was clearly with about 10 guys and H (her company is decidedly male-dominated). I was flirting with one of the guys (fun fact: he was 6'6 and when I went out with him a few times, it was sooo awkward because I'm so short). And apparently you saw me and recognized me from my facebook pictures.
I don't remember seeing you, and as I had never met you, I probably wouldn't have recognized you if I had. But you marched right up to the group I was sitting in the middle of, and proceeded to introduce yourself/bitch me out. It was the weirdest thing ever. I'd never met you and yet there I was getting yelled at by a stranger. The tirade included you mentioning that I was a snob, I found you unattractive, you were too short for me, etc. Talk about awkward. Everyone just stood there stunned, like who is this guy.
I don't remember what I said or did. I think I tried to be as polite as I could with a nice-to-meet-you-too and then returned to conversing with my party. You had just used up all three strikes with that rant, and I wasn't about to go out with you then.
But you weren't done yet. You called me at about 3am that night. Left a five minute voicemail, calling me a bunch of names, including bitch. Seriously.
I didn't respond and the next day you proceeded to try and chitchat with me like nothing had happened. Uh no. You have anger management issues that I am unprepared to deal with in someone I've never even gone on a date with.
All the best with your issues,
W
Flash forward to Memorial Day weekend 2007. I had just arrived in Raleigh for my internship. H was in town, so we were going out with several people from her company in town for training. We were hanging out at a bar, and I was clearly with about 10 guys and H (her company is decidedly male-dominated). I was flirting with one of the guys (fun fact: he was 6'6 and when I went out with him a few times, it was sooo awkward because I'm so short). And apparently you saw me and recognized me from my facebook pictures.
I don't remember seeing you, and as I had never met you, I probably wouldn't have recognized you if I had. But you marched right up to the group I was sitting in the middle of, and proceeded to introduce yourself/bitch me out. It was the weirdest thing ever. I'd never met you and yet there I was getting yelled at by a stranger. The tirade included you mentioning that I was a snob, I found you unattractive, you were too short for me, etc. Talk about awkward. Everyone just stood there stunned, like who is this guy.
I don't remember what I said or did. I think I tried to be as polite as I could with a nice-to-meet-you-too and then returned to conversing with my party. You had just used up all three strikes with that rant, and I wasn't about to go out with you then.
But you weren't done yet. You called me at about 3am that night. Left a five minute voicemail, calling me a bunch of names, including bitch. Seriously.
I didn't respond and the next day you proceeded to try and chitchat with me like nothing had happened. Uh no. You have anger management issues that I am unprepared to deal with in someone I've never even gone on a date with.
All the best with your issues,
W
Friday, July 8, 2011
Dear Readers,
Today is a monumental occassion. I have my first guest blog entry, on my friend R's website: upperbottom.com.
R writes about the hilarious details of everyday life, including Spider Killing.
For my guest blog, I wrote about the Top 10 Mistakes Guys Make in Dating.
Enjoy!
-W
R writes about the hilarious details of everyday life, including Spider Killing.
For my guest blog, I wrote about the Top 10 Mistakes Guys Make in Dating.
Enjoy!
-W
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Dear Outback and Matt the Lawyer (Again)
While on vacation in Palm Coast, Florida this week, I received some random texts. The first was from Outback:
It was a picture of a man in a gorilla costume with the caption: My, brother. I think he's adopted.
Um, what? I haven't responded to your last text message, that was sent weeks ago. And now you randomly send me a picture of a gorilla? Delete me from your phone already, weirdo.
The next random text message was from Matt the Lawyer. I randomly hear from him, but I am guessing this is probably a mass text he sent out to random girls he thinks he has on the hook.
His text: I bought 2 gallons of summer ale from the brewery in Danville where I grew up. It's really good! We have to get together and drink it.
Um, Matt. We went out once. I am not going to go "drink gallons of summer ale with you." I don't even like ale. At all. Nor does drinking constitute a real date. Better luck with the other girls you sent that message to...
-W
It was a picture of a man in a gorilla costume with the caption: My, brother. I think he's adopted.
Um, what? I haven't responded to your last text message, that was sent weeks ago. And now you randomly send me a picture of a gorilla? Delete me from your phone already, weirdo.
The next random text message was from Matt the Lawyer. I randomly hear from him, but I am guessing this is probably a mass text he sent out to random girls he thinks he has on the hook.
His text: I bought 2 gallons of summer ale from the brewery in Danville where I grew up. It's really good! We have to get together and drink it.
Um, Matt. We went out once. I am not going to go "drink gallons of summer ale with you." I don't even like ale. At all. Nor does drinking constitute a real date. Better luck with the other girls you sent that message to...
-W
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