Without further ado:
Dear UFC,
(The events in this story took place in 2003. It was the summer before my junior year of college. Go wolfpack.)
We met at a BBQ event at our apartment community. I was wearing one of those sumo wrestling costumes. And you were with your girlfriend.
We were all standing around in a big group when someone made a reference to mixed martial arts, to which I responded with some comment having to do with Gracie and jiu jitsu and Team Punishment or whatever. Basically because my dad made me watch Ultimate Fighting all through middle school and high school. And by “made me” I mean we’d go to Blockbuster and I’d be all, “where’s the special interest section!?”
You gawked. I mean, really, to the point that your girlfriend started giving you the side eye and me the stink eye. But you can’t really accuse a girl of flirting with your boyfriend when said girl is wearing a sumo wrestling costume, now can you? No. BBQ ended and we all went home.
Fast forward a month-ish.
You IM’d me. Not sure how you got my IM name because we’d had no communication and I was even kinda iffy about remembering your name, but I was impressed at your stalking abilities. +2 points. You asked me out and I said sure. After all, you were cute, a good dresser, and cute. These were basically the things I was looking for in a date. And of course, I clarified that you were no longer in that relationship.
Turns out- and this is the crux of this story- you and The Girlfriend had been together for like 4 years before the break-up. That’s a long time for people who can’t legally drink. Back to the date…
You picked me up in your old, brown Honda, (-4 points… I was a car snob) and as soon as I sat down you pulled out flowers from the back seat. Nowadays if my husband did that I’d be all +10 points! but I was 20 yrs old and all the flowers did were make me feel like you expected to get lucky at the end of the night, whereas all I wanted was a meal. Eh.
(But also, this was the summer of my Khaki, Pleaded Skort of which I probably wore on this date, so +2 points FOR DEALING WITH THAT.)
You took me to Olive Garden. Cool. The food was good and the conversation was pretty good too, although I felt a little uncomfortable when you told me the story about the car accident you had in high school with the major head trauma and that your ex-girlfriend was by your side the entire time you were in the hospital. It was like that moment on the one-on-one date where the guy is awkwardly talking about hot water heaters damaging the environment, and The Bachelorette is like, yeahhh. It was just like that. But you know. Moving on.
For dessert you took me to Ruth’s Chris because I “just had to try their crème brulee” but if it’s so good, why didn’t you just spring for dinner there? -2 points. But maybe you thought that an expensive restaurant, combined with the IM stalking and the flowers, would have been over the top? I see your point. +1.
When you dropped me off at my apartment after dessert, you gave me a hug and invited me on another date. I said yes. Mainly because you were excellent at reading body language and realized I wasn’t quite feelin a kiss at this point. Still thought you were cute though.
A few days later, you took me to PF Changs (+3 points! PF Changs! Holla!), then to your older brother’s apartment to watch a fight on PPV. Yep, a UFC fight. It was actually fun and to this day, that was the best knock out I’ve ever seen and I will never forget the gash on that guy’s head… in fact, I’ve never seen so much blood in the octagon before. Nice date! I agreed to go out with you again. Albeit, you were bordering on clingy with your back-to-back date invites and very frequent IMing. (-1) Especially when you suggested I be your date to your frat’s “pimps and hoes” party that was months away. Ehhhh.
BUT HERE COMES YOUR DEATH SENTENCE, MY FRIEND.
On the afternoon of what was supposed to be our third date, you IM’d me that your little brother had broken his leg during a baseball game, and that you had to meet your family at the hospital. Alright, no prob, I thought.
BUT THEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO WITH YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.
?!?!?!
Like, the hospital where you family was! I’d been dating you for all of a week, and not exclusively at that! I don’t want to meet your family, especially not in a hospital where everyone’s freaking out about your brother’s baseball scholarship being taken away. Someone please say it isn’t so… UFC over here is a stage 4 clinger.
So I obviously said “no thanks, I’m good.” You said “no really, you should come!” I said, “um, it’s cool, I’m kinda busy anyway.” You said, “but my family would love to meet you! Please come!” I thereby declared you bankrupt of points, and at the same time I was probably copying and pasting your messages to not less than two of my friends as evidence I would never see you again, and also, as evidence I needed alternate plans for the evening. (Pretty sure I ended up on another date. True story.)
You tried to reschedule our third date and after a kind but affirmative no thanks, you backed off. About a month later, I heard you were back with your ex-girlfriend.
Now I’m no rocket scientist Dr. Drew Pinsky/Phil, but all things considered, I’m pretty sure I was your rebound. Maybe you were trying really hard to distract yourself from your ex, or maybe you were trying to make her jealous? Regardless, NOT MY ISSUE. You were back together and good for you.
…
WOW. THE MIND OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL. That was fun, W! Thanks!
(The events in this story took place in 2003. It was the summer before my junior year of college. Go wolfpack.)
We met at a BBQ event at our apartment community. I was wearing one of those sumo wrestling costumes. And you were with your girlfriend.
We were all standing around in a big group when someone made a reference to mixed martial arts, to which I responded with some comment having to do with Gracie and jiu jitsu and Team Punishment or whatever. Basically because my dad made me watch Ultimate Fighting all through middle school and high school. And by “made me” I mean we’d go to Blockbuster and I’d be all, “where’s the special interest section!?”
You gawked. I mean, really, to the point that your girlfriend started giving you the side eye and me the stink eye. But you can’t really accuse a girl of flirting with your boyfriend when said girl is wearing a sumo wrestling costume, now can you? No. BBQ ended and we all went home.
Fast forward a month-ish.
You IM’d me. Not sure how you got my IM name because we’d had no communication and I was even kinda iffy about remembering your name, but I was impressed at your stalking abilities. +2 points. You asked me out and I said sure. After all, you were cute, a good dresser, and cute. These were basically the things I was looking for in a date. And of course, I clarified that you were no longer in that relationship.
Turns out- and this is the crux of this story- you and The Girlfriend had been together for like 4 years before the break-up. That’s a long time for people who can’t legally drink. Back to the date…
You picked me up in your old, brown Honda, (-4 points… I was a car snob) and as soon as I sat down you pulled out flowers from the back seat. Nowadays if my husband did that I’d be all +10 points! but I was 20 yrs old and all the flowers did were make me feel like you expected to get lucky at the end of the night, whereas all I wanted was a meal. Eh.
(But also, this was the summer of my Khaki, Pleaded Skort of which I probably wore on this date, so +2 points FOR DEALING WITH THAT.)
You took me to Olive Garden. Cool. The food was good and the conversation was pretty good too, although I felt a little uncomfortable when you told me the story about the car accident you had in high school with the major head trauma and that your ex-girlfriend was by your side the entire time you were in the hospital. It was like that moment on the one-on-one date where the guy is awkwardly talking about hot water heaters damaging the environment, and The Bachelorette is like, yeahhh. It was just like that. But you know. Moving on.
For dessert you took me to Ruth’s Chris because I “just had to try their crème brulee” but if it’s so good, why didn’t you just spring for dinner there? -2 points. But maybe you thought that an expensive restaurant, combined with the IM stalking and the flowers, would have been over the top? I see your point. +1.
When you dropped me off at my apartment after dessert, you gave me a hug and invited me on another date. I said yes. Mainly because you were excellent at reading body language and realized I wasn’t quite feelin a kiss at this point. Still thought you were cute though.
A few days later, you took me to PF Changs (+3 points! PF Changs! Holla!), then to your older brother’s apartment to watch a fight on PPV. Yep, a UFC fight. It was actually fun and to this day, that was the best knock out I’ve ever seen and I will never forget the gash on that guy’s head… in fact, I’ve never seen so much blood in the octagon before. Nice date! I agreed to go out with you again. Albeit, you were bordering on clingy with your back-to-back date invites and very frequent IMing. (-1) Especially when you suggested I be your date to your frat’s “pimps and hoes” party that was months away. Ehhhh.
BUT HERE COMES YOUR DEATH SENTENCE, MY FRIEND.
On the afternoon of what was supposed to be our third date, you IM’d me that your little brother had broken his leg during a baseball game, and that you had to meet your family at the hospital. Alright, no prob, I thought.
BUT THEN YOU ASKED ME TO GO WITH YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.
?!?!?!
Like, the hospital where you family was! I’d been dating you for all of a week, and not exclusively at that! I don’t want to meet your family, especially not in a hospital where everyone’s freaking out about your brother’s baseball scholarship being taken away. Someone please say it isn’t so… UFC over here is a stage 4 clinger.
So I obviously said “no thanks, I’m good.” You said “no really, you should come!” I said, “um, it’s cool, I’m kinda busy anyway.” You said, “but my family would love to meet you! Please come!” I thereby declared you bankrupt of points, and at the same time I was probably copying and pasting your messages to not less than two of my friends as evidence I would never see you again, and also, as evidence I needed alternate plans for the evening. (Pretty sure I ended up on another date. True story.)
You tried to reschedule our third date and after a kind but affirmative no thanks, you backed off. About a month later, I heard you were back with your ex-girlfriend.
Now I’m no rocket scientist Dr. Drew Pinsky/Phil, but all things considered, I’m pretty sure I was your rebound. Maybe you were trying really hard to distract yourself from your ex, or maybe you were trying to make her jealous? Regardless, NOT MY ISSUE. You were back together and good for you.
…
WOW. THE MIND OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD GIRL. That was fun, W! Thanks!
-R
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