Dear Mean Girls (Part 1),

So apparently August was National Be Mean to W month.  I didn't get the memo until too late.  And I've been traveling, had a hurricane hit, etc so I haven't posted much lately.  But don't you worry. Vegas stories are coming your way.

But first, Mean Girl 1. (MG1)  MG1 and I go way back.  Like high school way back.  We were friends in high school. I've been to her house, she's been to mine. I assumed we were still friends, or at the very least on friendly terms.  When I moved away for college and life, she stayed in my hometown.  The last bit of gossip that I heard about her was that she was sleeping with all these dudes at her college (the local university) and that she had been locked up for being bat-shit crazy.  I have no way of knowing if either of these are true, but when you read the rest of the story, you'll come to the same conclusion as I have: If it looks like a duck...  (Plus there was a story in high school that her dad went bat-shit crazy one day and came home and cut up the entire family's clothes and peaced out, causing MG1's mother to go crazy.  I can confirm that MG1's mother was slightly off her rocker.  She made us stand in the cold one night and refused to let us in her house.  Another time she freaked out because we were driving in the rain. Crazy.)


Ok so fast forward to law school or post-law school. I forget which. One of my best friends from college, Seth, starts dating MG1. Full disclosure - Seth and I made out a few times when we first met, but there has been nothing there ever since (nearly ten years). We had grown apart, but still talk and meet up occasionally.  So last year, on Seth's birthday he posts something on facebook about having to make his own birthday cake. I commented on how sad that was (Seth made me birthday cakes in college. the funfetti kind. awesome friend) and thought nothing more of it.  Seth later replied that MG1 had given him a birthday cupcake for his birthday.  So jokingly, I commented back like "a cupcake? you know those things are sold by the dozen."  I thought that was pretty funny.

Holy shitballs.  MG1 lost her ever loving shit. I get a facebook message from her (we're not even friends, she blocked me, which I didn't know until this incident, because you know, I have a life).  Anyway the title of the message was "Fuck You Wendy."  Classy.  The body of the message was basically how dare I make a comment about cupcakes and that I was still the mean girl I was in high school.

Seriously.  Signs you are crazy #34534: you flip your shit over a harmless facebook message.

I forwarded the message to Seth and requested he gain control over MG1.  But I didn't respond to her, because I had nothing to say, and you can't reason with crazy.

So, fast forward to this year.  Seth's old roommate was getting married.  Seth's roommate is a nice guy and we are still friends.  So I was invited to the wedding. Sadly, because Seth was a groomsman, MG1 had to be invited as well.  We were all hopeful she could keep her shit together for a few hours, but the groom seated us at separate tables just to be on the safe side.

We make it through the ceremony just fine.  Then there was an hour to kill while the wedding party took pictures.  So we went to the hotel bar to catch up.  I hadn't seen a lot of these guys since they graduated and most of us went to high school together as well.  So we're all sitting around a big table, having a few drinks. Joking, laughing, having fun.  MG1 thinks now would be an appropriate time to have 4 cocktails. When you have trouble with looking crazy sober, its probably not a good idea to get wasted BEFORE THE RECEPTION.

So all of a sudden, I hear MG1 talking shit about me. Loudly. Did I mention we are seated AT THE SAME TABLE?  Seriously. No class, but once again, I am there to have fun. And under no circumstances am I going to cause a scene at my friends wedding.

We move to the reception, where it is clear she is wasted. I heard she gave some god-awful awkward toasts at her table.  I saw her BEHIND the bar, whispering to the bartender.  Apparently the reception staff had their eye on her the entire evening.  I have been drunk at this hotel site on many occasions. Never have a seen a show quite like her.

So during dinner, MG1 comes to talk to every girl at my table.  And tries to get them to go to the bathroom with her.  They awkwardly did.  The girl nearest me comes back and tells me that the purpose of this bathroom excursion was to continue to talk shit about me.  MG1 has never met many of these girls before in her life.  So now she has made an ass out of herself to my table.  Good job, MG1.  Way to keep a low profile.

Later on in the evening, Seth, his old roommates and I are all standing around talking. One of the roommates tells Seth he can take his bowtie off now that pictures are. So Seth takes it off and somehow it gets handed to me. I put it on my head like a hairbow. just goofing off.  MG1 comes STORMING over to us.  Pushes Seth and starts yelling at him with a finger pointed in his face.  It was so awkward. Everyone felt sorry for Seth, but not wanting to deal with it, we all scattered to the dance floor.

Seth apparently sends her upstairs.  But not before she manages to proposition the photographer to take boudoir pictures of her up in their hotel room. Nope, not slutty at all.

So with MG1 gone, Seth has no one to dance with so I fill in.  I'm sure there is going to be hell to pay when she sees the wedding pictures of Seth and I dancing the last dance together.  But I danced with a lot of my old guy friends that night, so it wasn't a big deal.  But to crazy people, its probably a huge deal.

After the wedding was over, the wedding young folk headed over to a local bar.  While at said bar, a pony carriage drove by.  I shouted PONY and Seth and I bolted from the bar to take a carriage ride down the streets of Durham.  It was fun, but scary.  Especially when the horse weaved into oncoming traffic.

Moral of the story, MG1?  If you don't act like a drunken crazy slut at a wedding reception, perhaps you will get to take a carriage ride with your boyfriend.  But here's hoping that Seth dumps your crazy ass before the next wedding. Cheers!

-W