Dear Kevin the Preacher,

(or why nice guys finish last).  You seemed nice enough in your profile and emails, so I gave you my number.  You started texting ALL THE TIME.  Good mornings. Thinking about yous. Have a great day! Sweet dreams. Etc.  We've never met, so it was a little weird.  It was really weird when you would send me messages of encouragement. About how you believe in me. you.have.never.met.me.  And as a result of my one and only phone call conversation with you, you will never get to meet me.

You called, I was getting ready to go the gym, but I figured how bad could a ten minute call be?  Really bad it turned out.  You started talking about how your job with computers and data protection were top secret... um, been there, got the t-shirt. Ask Sam's Club how that worked out for him.  I shut you up with "well I'm a lawyer, so yeah, I can't discuss my work. period."

But then you switched tactics.  And out of no where you brought up drinking. I made some sort of joke about knowing about drinking, being in a sorority  and all.  You seemed confused, and I found out why a few months later.  The drinking conversation was one-sided.  You proceeded to inform me of when it was ok for Christians to drink by explaining the three motivations Christians could have for drinking.  One of them was "coping."  What the hell?  If you are coping with alcohol and not Jesus, then I think you have problems. 

Clearly, I was disagreeing with his theories, but he wouldn't take a breath so I could get off the phone.  So on and on he droned.  And then he decided to tell me when Christians couldn't drink.  They can't drink to get drunk.  Ever.  Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.  Four days previous to this conversation, I was taking shots at 8am on a party bus to Beach Music Fest. I was drunk by 9am. I am a lightweight.  I weigh 95 pounds.  There is no drinking more than one drink without this Christian being drunk.

Luckily, you said you could back all this up with scripture. Fabulous.  Just what I need.  More lecturing! Yay!  At this point I said that I read the Bible every night myself, and I thought I could handle coming up with my own Christian drinking theories.  And I politely got off the phone, knowing that I would never go out with you.

You apparently didn't feel the same way.  My phone buzzed at 11:30pm.  It was a text from you.  Informing me that you don't actually have a college degree like your eharmony profile says you do. What in the world?!?

So, dear Kevin, whatever your theories are on drinking, just know that Jesus doesn't like liars either. 

-W