Before y'all get your panties in a wad about all these guest posts and summer 2005 flashbacks, just know that 99 cent well drinks are in the forecast for this weekend. So there should be nothing but trouble to come out of that. ;) And, I am leaning on my friends for guest blogs that I know they have ready to go, if they will just type them up.
To preface Goldfish, I present to you an essay on Wingmen, written by the bff.
The Much Anticipated... Critically Acclaimed Entry of the Year.....
WINGMEN!
Ah yes, the handy dandy wingman. Let me define this word once and for all. A wingman is a person who plays a vital role in the hook up potential of a friend. The wingman can be a distracter, an advocator, and even a participator. Let us discuss each of these important roles in more detail.
The distracter. This might be the wingman’s most popular purpose. I always work better with examples so lets set up a little scenario to understand this role a little better. Bob & Joe are at a party. Bob is trying to hook up with Sue. Sue is at the party with Jane. Naturally, Joe becomes Bob’s wingman in Bob’s quest to get his freak on with Sue. Joe’s job is to distract Jane away from Sue so Bob can make his move. Joe does a fabulous wingman job & Bob & Sue do the damn thing.
Now let me say at this point, that the wingman role is not exclusive. Some people may fall into a pattern and always end up playing wingman and never actually being on the other side of the equation (which has no name at this point, strangely enough). But it is totally within the realm of possibility that Bob & Joe could switch roles the very next night and on and on.
The advocator. This role is very important because it can directly impact the hook up potential for the evening. Let’s use the same characters in this example to keep thing simple. Bob, Joe, Sue & Jane are at a party. Let’s say this time Joe wants to hook up with Sue (hey, maybe Sue’s a whore, who are we to judge?) So tonight, Bob is playing wingman for Joe. Bob goes and talks to Sue at the party, bar, wherever. Bob proceeds to talk Joe up to Sue. He goes on and on about what a great guy he is and how he’s the bee’s knees and whatever whatever. Joe steps in and leaves Bob to his devices while Joe goes to talk to Sue. Suddenly Sue has all these amazing thoughts in her head about Joe & since she’s a whore a maybe had too much to drink, Joe succeeds in his goal of the evening…..whatever that might have been…
Finally, the participator! This is the wingman’s favorite role to play because it means they can participate in the hooking up festivities as well! Bob, Joe, Jane & Sue are out again (surprise surprise). Bob wants to get with Jane this time, I mean he know she’s desperate for some attention so he’s going to work this to his advantage. Bob needs Joe to play wingman for him and get Sue’s attention away from Jane. It works and the four end up hooking up with each other—everyone is happy and there you have it.
That about the extent of the wingman. Perhaps there is more to it, but in my experience, those are the 3 main functions.
Another friend wrote in today with additional wingmen:
The facilitator
Assuming the position of the facilitator/baitandswticher wingman (or woman) is most useful when your friend is either has little to no game of their own, or when you are approached by someone who your friend has already claimed. For example. Sue and Jane are out at a bar (alcoholics). Jane says to Sue "Damn, look at Joe over there looking fine". Unfortunately, Joe comes over to Sue and buys her a drink. Wrong girl Joe! Sue makes nice for a little while, then starts to look for a way out or an exit strategy. The exit strategy can be anything from "Oh look, there's my boyfriend now" or "excuse me while I use the bathroom", depending on the severity of the situation. Sue finds a reason to introduce Jane to Joe, and then employs her exit strategy. Viola! Joe and Jane are now talking, good work wingwoman Sue. This is similar to a screen in basketball, or a bait and switch tactic. The same could be happen if Jane was just simply to shy to talk to Joe. This is a good wingman strategy, however it becomes faulty with stage 5 clingers, or if the person you are trying to wingman for is fugly.
For those of you wondering, a stage 5 clinger is: anyone who doesnt get the idea that the person they want, want's nothing to do with them" ex "Jane should stop calling my boyfriend before i beat the hell out of that stage 5 clinger"
I would like to add in a wingman title of my own. This is the rescuer/cockblocker. This is the wingman who will come to your aid when you are being hit on by a troll. This wingman will recognize the situation and immediately come to your aid by discussing your boyfriend, your 7am conference call, your herpes outbreak, or anything else that will get rid of said troll. The rescuer is often mistaken for a cockblocker when rescuing inebriated friends from a troll. But, a rescuer is still a rescuer if your wingman knows that you would not be talking to said troll in a proper (read: sober) state of mind. But I guess to the troll, the rescuer will always be the cockblocker. Oh well.
>>>>>>>>>>>
So back to Goldfish. One summer night, the bff and I tagged along with A to her crush's house party (at his parent's huge house inside-the-beltline). We were specifically there to be her wingmen so that she could get some alone time with her crush. We arrive at the party, and immediately notice a shortage of guys. I immediately switch to my tried and true principle of selecting your target for the night, before the drinking starts. I selected Goldfish. He was really cute. Blond hair. Blue eyes. Nice body. You get the picture.
As you might imagine, the party continues on into the night. Like the perfect wingmen, H and I peel off our selected targets for the evening. This leaves A alone with her crush for hours. The next morning, H and I had to get up early to go to a bridal shower out of town. H comes to get me off the couch, collects A from an upstairs bedroom. We head home, discussing the evening's festivities. It comes out, that despite our best wingmen work, A did not so much as kiss her crush. H and I, on the other hand kissed our targets, because of course, we were in a competition.
And that's when I mentioned that Goldfish had a unique kissing style that I had never in my life encountered. He kisseed purely with closed lips. Pucker your lips and make a goldfish kiss. That was his style, and hence, his nickname was earned. Bless his heart. Cute story, you might say, but boring. But wait! H had made out with his bff and revealed that the bff kissed in the exact same way! What are the odds. Our theory was that they had learned to kiss in this unique manner by 1. either making out with the same girl who was a terrible kisser or 2. kissing each other. Neither way is really acceptable, bless their hearts. But good news, if you ever want excellent wingmen, H & I are here to help you out!
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