Dear Last Night's Date,
I appreciated you driving 3 hours one way to take me on a date. I also appreciated you bringing me cupcakes from my favorite bakery back home. That, sadly, is where my appreciation of you ended.
When I opened the door to find you standing there in your American Eagle polo shirt, I was disappointed. You are in your 30s, time to let American Eagle go to its target demographic, ie-people still in school. I was further disappointed to note that the shirt was untucked and unironed. Then I noticed your pants. Your SHINY dress pants, that didn't even match your shirt. I asked for a night in shinning armor and all I got was you, in your shiny pants. And then your white athletic socks with your brown tennis shoes really completed the ensemble. Seriously, I think the guys on Jersey Shore dress better. And I knew by the look of your outfit, that we were clearly not going anywhere nice for dinner.
You came in, and immediately stood way too close to me. This is a first date, I do not need you in my personal bubble until you are invited. Are we clear?
And then, you committed FIRST DATE UNPARDONABLE SIN: you said "what do you want to do?". Listen, I don't want to come across as rude here, but you asked me out. I did my part. I accepted and got ready and I look awesome and will be your arm candy tonight. You, who didn't even iron your shirt, have just showed up and haven't even had the decency to come up with a gameplan. Dates, especially first dates, are easy. Food should be involved. Then, if that goes well, a post-date activity, if its not too late. You can do a movie, bowling, fun park, minature golf, etc. But nope, you haven't even picked out a restaurant, let alone make a reservation. So I forced you to make a decision and you picked a restaurant. A popular restaurant, which would be packed.
And then you asked me to get out my laptop to look up said restaurant to get the address for it. Sigh. If you put this little effort into date one, I can only assume date 4 is a drive-through. So we drive to the restaurant, and of course, you refuse to do valet. Which is awesome, since parking is scarce. And if we were in college and I knew you were broke, it'd be no big deal. You, however, make six figures. You can afford $4 for valet. And then, in trying to pull into the pay parking lot across the street, you say "I have no cash, do you have any?". WTF?!?! You asked me out, and didn't bring any cash? I didn't have much cash, but having been stranded on a date before, I was not about to part with precious cash that might have to pay for a cab home. So you drove to a parking deck a few blocks away. Good thing I was wearing heels.
We hiked back up to the restaurant. Suprise suprise, without a reservation the wait was 2 hours. I didn't want to stand in heels for 2 hours, so I suggested we go somewhere else. Unfortunately, your attire ensured that we wouldn't be getting into any of the nicer restaurants in town, and at 7pm on a Saturday, even the not-so-nices were on a long wait. So i suggested we head to Durham, where there are lots of restaurants, and where dress codes are not as strict. So you agreed and off we headed.
On the way, you decided, hey lets go to Cary instead. I was like which restaurant in Cary. You replied "Olive Garden." Now, I love a good breadstick as much as the next girl, but the Olive Garden in Cary is sub-par. The food isn't nearly as good as other locations, and there is always a long wait. I voiced this opinion. You said "let's go there anyway." At that point, I started checking emails on my phone and checking out of this date.
At OG, we went to the bar for a much needed drink. I ordered a Bellini. So did you. I asked you if you realized that it was a frozen mixed drink. You said "I want it anyway." So I stared in amazement as you ordered a girlie drink at the bar, while on a date, in the South. Thankfully we got a table right away.
A few bites into dinner you asked me, "Would you have done anything different if you had found out Sam's Club* was cheating on you after you were married?" WTF. We are on date one. At dinner. And you not only just brought up my ex, but also his cheating. You bastard. Not to be deterred by my evil glare at that question, you asked, "Well is there anything that Sam's Club could do to get back with you?" Great, now you have brought it up twice. I appreciate that. I was really hoping to get through a nice meal without having to defend myself to you or bring up a painful past.
After this conversation and some other small talk which proved that we had nothing in common and everything that I thought we had in common based on our previous conversations, was exaggerated greatly. So, I was thankful when after I had only taken a few bites out of my meal, you asked for the check and had my food boxed up. At least the server gave me extra breadsticks to take home. I was hopeful that you had figured out that this date was going nowhere fast and wanted to take me home and put us both out of our misery. Little did I know, that was not your intention. You started petting my arm and leg like a dog during the 20 minute drive home. I wanted to fling myself out of the car.
When we pull into my parking lot, you asked me if my apartment complex towed. They don't, but I was dumbfounded as to why that would be an issue, since you clearly weren't invited to stay. So I lied and said, yes, they were really aggressive about towing, hoping once again, that you would get the point. Nope. As I got out of the car, so did you. I figured you were just going to walk me to the door, and then I could be done with this night.
But as I opened the door, you walked right in and sat down on the couch and made yourself right at home. I said, "well.... I need to go walk my dog now" hoping you'd follow me back out. You didn't. So I walked the dog, for a really long time, hoping you'd just leave. You didn't. So I come back inside and sit down on the couch opposite of you and begin to discuss how early I had to get up. You, Mr. Socially Aware, took that as your cue to get up and come and plop yourself down on my couch, practically on top of me. And to start petting me again. I am not your dog. Back off.
I got up, and at this point, honest-to-god resorted to doing household chores, hoping you'd leave. I went into the kitchen and started unloading the dishwasher. You FOLLOWED me. And just stood there. Right beside me. I knew at this point you were hoping for a kiss. You idiot. This started a game of me walking away, and you following. Until you trapped me. And tried to go in for a kiss. I ducked. You got the side of my hair. Gross. And thankfully, you finally got the picture and went home. But not without a few more "pets." Ick.
Recap:
brownie points : well educated; nice job; paid attention and brought me cupcakes from my favorite bakery back home
strikes: no reservations; refusal to spring for valet; excessive petting
dealbreakers : taking me to the one restaurant I said I didn't want to go to.
*Sam's club is my ex-boyfriend. He is named Sam's Club because he bought me and his girlfriend in China the exact same jewelry for our birthday and Christmas presents, from Sam's Club, the bulk-buying center.
No comments:
Post a Comment