Dear Good Behavior,

Dear Good Behavior,

I met you while working at the Department of Health. You weren’t exactly working for the Department of Health…you were being contracted, if you will, to us to help with our office move across town. No biggie, I was being contracted from a temp agency to work (scanning documents) there too but we DEFINITELY weren’t from the same temp agency….and I was a college student so not having a full time job is okay… but I digress… 

What agency were you with a friend of mine would later ask? Well...Where does the state of North Carolina find cheap (read: free) labor to move furniture? The same place they find people to make license plates and clean up our highways. That’s right: The fine members of society being detained by the Department of Corrections.

Nevertheless you were nice to look at (in a cabana-boy-I’d-never-get-wit kind of way) and clearly had a bit (read: lot) of bad boy in you so there was no reason not to be polite. I am a southern lady after all and it’s rude to not speak when spoken to. One day you decided you were going to get my number and when you didn't get it you decided you were going to intimidate me into it. Sorry buddy…not a chance. Some things you should know about me:
I don’t date guys who have to drink when someone says “Never have I ever been ordered to wear a monitoring bracelets in public.”
I don’t want to ever have to ask a guy I’m dating “What are you in for?”
I don’t have time to waste on people that I have no future with, like guys described in number 1 and 2
I don’t do things I don’t want to…so the more you ask, the more I refuse…
Getting loud at me about it at work is only going to increase the likelihood of number 4.
I’m not scared of you and your convict ass dude.
Weird people are attracted to me...and I'm pretty good at getting rid of them (...though you did put up a fight)

Lesson you should have learned: If a girl isn't willing to give you her number, she’s not into you.

You eventually stop bugging me about it and I'm thinking you're over it. Wrong.

What I did not count on was my (stupid) coworker. She decided me + you = the perfect match and gave you my cell phone number. Ugh.  Yeah “five years for armed robbery” looks awesome on a resume and is just the kind of guy I want to bring home to my mama. I don't care if you were "almost out." (Note: He was in year 4 of his 5 year sentence) I will have to give you credit on figuring out the weakest link and exploiting the opportunity...too bad you got caught. Guess that's how you ended up in jail...but I digress again.

A couple days later at 8am I get a phone call from a random number. I answer it expecting it to hear one of my sorority sisters needing a ride or something and what do I hear: “You have a collect call from the Wake County Department of Corrections, will you accept the charges?” Immediate thought: “What the hell did I miss last night?” I say sure…and instead of a southern girl twang on the other end of the phone I get “Howya doin’ shawty?” (Thug for: “How are you doing this fine morning darling girl?”) Seriously?? But because I’m polite(-ish) I made up some excuse of why I can't talk now and hung up, promptly called into work for the next two days so I wouldn’t see you again before your “contract” was up and make a mental note to slash co-worker's tires at my earliest convenience. You don't see me for the rest of the week and you notice my absence from work as evidenced by the voicemails you left.

Lesson you should have learned: If a girl is willing to give up money to avoid you, she’s not into you.

You didn't and you called every morning for a week. Once the calls stop and I think I'm rid of you. Wrong...again.

Three weeks later I get a 7:00 AM phone call from a 919-515-**** number (Explanation to the reader: 515 is how all NC State campus phone numbers start) and I answer because I thought it was some campus office but NOOOOOOOO…it’s you. And you’re less than a mile from where I’m sleeping. FML. You want me to come meet you in some building before classes start at 8am because you’ve been “contracted” to help with some renovation on campus and you just "have to see me." Seriously?? I don’t get out of bed at 7am for anything (not even breakfast) and I have a special rule against it for convicted thugs. I say “I have to go to class”, you say “Where is your class I’ll meet you,” I say “I can’t hear you”, you repeat “I’ll meet you,” I say “You’re cutting out” and promptly hang up, sigh and go back to sleep.

Lesson you should have learned: If a girl is willing to go to an early class (even if it's fake) instead of talking to you, she’s not into you.

You didn’t and you called every morning for 2 weeks. I avoid all Engineering buildings (where I figured out you been placing the calls from a professors offices. I ignore all calls from university numbers (and as a result miss a few important ones.) But after those two weeks the calls stop and I figure you’re gone. That's right..wrong again.

Three months pass and I get a call from an unknown number. I don’t answer, as the above story has showed me the importance of screening calls. It’s you. The message: “Hey Shawty. You musta missed my calls. Judge let me out early on good behavior. Call me back so we can chill.”

Seriously??

Sigh.

-A.